Much Needed

 Family time. Free to just hang out on my own time with no interruptions. Totally in the moment, surrounded by what truly matters.

"None"

 At the beginning of the ceramics class, introduce yourself/your level of experience. 

I am Tracey. None. And the other 8 had 'none' as well.

A block of clay sat before me, this is all I could come up with.

I consider it perfectly imperfect. Like me. Once glazed/fired (in three weeks), it will be fire engine red. I'll show it off again then.

On spontaneous thing down, 1,000 more to go. 👍

Day By Day

"Day by Day

Day by Day

Oh, Dear Lord

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day" ~ Robin Lamont

I'm still adjusting to this 'new normal' of being by myself. I'm actually loving the HELL out of it, even tho, of course, I miss my son with such intensity. I sometimes (i.e., a lot) sit in silence, in awe, of his/our journey of his illness. And how I knew his would end if I lived to see it, and I did. He'll always be so close. At times I can accept the peace, other times I cry so hard, I get sleepy & need to nap. Riding the wave of grief is letting it toss me around as it does while I hang on. Day. By. Day.

Love & light.

Sign Me Up

 

Ceramics Incense Burners Workshop I'm signed up for; Local Historical Theater showing for $7.00/per ticket. I'm trying out whatever pops up. Good to be spontaneous w/no feedback. #bliss 

The New Normal

Friday, 01/12/2024 was Dwayne's military burial.

Saturday, 01/13/2024 was his memorial.

His obituary said his death was 01/07/2024. I say it was 12/23/2023.

Yet, on Friday, out of the corner of my eye, I 'saw' his spirit leave the house. Out the front door.

I was in the kitchen & saw something move quickly but it looked like him. Black/gray thermal shirt. Seems he glanced & went out the door. I don't even know if that short amount of time has a name. Nano-second, maybe?

It didn't scare me at all. And as I thought about it later, I remembered the doctor said they found him here. At home. It's all still so surreal. 

Otherwise, I'm adjusting to all this space, quiet & alone time. I'm truly diggin' it (like an Old School Record) ~ Meshell Ndegéocello. Been slowly adding little things that make me smile and have meaning, yet keeping things asthetic. 

I didn't attend any services for Dwayne. I'm glad his family laid him to rest. He was so sad, depressed  & sick a lot. Yet 'mean & surly.' I know I immediately seemed detached but it felt necessary once I knew he was gone. And the world keeps turning.

Still Sealed

Today is one month to the day that God took my baby on home and ended his pain/suffering.

I still have yet to read the death certificate. It's still in the envelope the funeral home gave me in a folder with the rest of his 'end stages' of his short life.

Maybe one day ....

This New Year

 Happy New Year!!!!! It sounds funny to say "2024", but we'll get used to it just like the years prior to this one. There has been no truer statement than "time flies." I wish everyone peace, good health and good .... everything.

But on the other hand, should you have adversity in life (and you WILL), I wish you the strength and faith to stay patient and let God work it out beside you/with you/for you. In HIS time. Not yours (ours).

Photo Credit: Alicia Rose Temple

Going into the new year of living alone is interesting at best. I love my peace but I must keep productive. It's easy to fall into TV/social media land, but I like to keep moving. I've made changes to things I've been wanting to do - things that I don't have to hear any feedback about. Things that have needed to 'go' for years but stayed because of resistance from the Sig. Other. So liberating. 👍

Today is the first day the doctors actually said the words "BRAIN. DEAD" re: the Sig. Other. If I haven't said this before, I believe he was gone on the 23rd when his heart failed him but 'protocols' needed to be followed. I feel sad that he is being kept in this 'limbo' state as his children fumble their ways thru what to do. He would be LIVID if he knew he was being kept alive. It was something he said over the years on the regular. Hopefully, he will be peacefully released soon. It's been WAY too long, in my opinion. 😔

I knew my son was leaving earth, but I never dreamed I would lose both him & the Sig. Other in the same month, 20 days apart. It's still extremely surreal. But still I rise. (Maya Angelou)

So ... on those notes, I'm still stumbling around in a semi-very functional fog. Work keeps me on my toes, which I love. It's a challenge daily, even after 7 years. But good. I meet A. LOT. of nice folks. Yep - they're still out there 😊 My mornings and evenings are very quiet. I talk and/or read out loud to myself a lot. My routine so far consists of: leaving work, getting home, ginger tea, Bible study, nap (easily for at least FOUR hours), piddle around w/chores til' I need to get to bed for the next early day. It's what I need for right now.

Until next time.

2023 On It's Way Out

 Before 2023 leaves, it left this in it's wake: 

• The nasty disease of Scleroderma/Covid/Pneumonia claimed my baby. My only child at the age of 36. It was the hardest thing ever to watch him suffer and waste away to nothing. My only solace is my faith, asking God for strength DAILY and knowing my boy is no longer suffering. That, alone, brings me peace. It's been a 6 month struggle of nursing home & hospital. Rest in peace, my love.

• One the 23rd of this month, my Significant Other suffered a debilitating heart attack and to this day remains on a ventilator with no brain activity. It happened while I was at work. The doctors say they're glad he had the where with all to dial 911 before becoming unresponsive. No heart beat; no breathing. His 'life' will probably end in the next 48 hours, even though I truly believe his spirit left his body on the 23rd

Now, this is the first time I've been alone in my own home in 36 years. It feels very odd but I'm getting used to it slowly. I'm slowly getting used to the fact that I can finally do what I want, when I want w/out any negative or questionable input.

I'm making small changes to things I've always wanted to.

I don't have to worry about groceries; I eat what and when and if I want.

The silence allows me to hear God's voice.

I feel peace.

I never imagined.

 Hey folks. Still here thank God. Cannot believe it's so into 2023 in all it's madness. Here goes;

Never imagined my son would get an autoimmune disease

Nor that he would loose use of his hands

That I thought it was best to retire him at age 35

That I would dress him/clean him up like when he was a baby

That my Significant Other would become so unwell.

That I would become Supervisor of my department

That the City demands that I update my property w/out giving a damn how you get it done. #bastsards

Happy 2023!!!

 I can't say where 2022 went but it sure flew. 

I can't say I remember much about the first 1/2 of the year as we got hit with a major home extermination issue which is still ongoing. I think it started in August and it was so traumatic, everything else is a blur. We're still living out of totes and nearly the entire house is packed in boxes. Prayerfully, this will be over soon so I can feel good about being in my home again. Uggh...

Nothing more is going on. My son retired @ age 35 from the workforce as the damned Scleroderma has weakened him so, it's not possible. He's lost an incredible amount of weight and is in constant pain. As a mother and caretaker, nothing sustains me like God's comfort, mercy and grace. If anyone happens to read this, I ask that you send up a prayer or two as well. Thanks. 🙏🙏🙏

Our Winter has been pleasant so far in this part of the woods. My heart breaks for those who lost their lives in the Buffalo blizzard. While I'm thinking about it, here a few photos of Fall taken around Thanksgiving. Picture postcard worthy, eh? 

I finally feel comfortable enough to sit and read. Currents are: Lucy by the Sea and What God Can Do. The first is something that takes me away into someone else's life @ the beginning of the dreaded Covid, and the second is for my complete sanity. 😀

So until next time, be well, be safe, be kind.

Time flies when you're ... Living.

Hey. 

Not too much going on as the near year approaches.

Still being the best caretaker I can be to my son and the best employee @ the store.

Still having my house packed in boxes from extermination that started in AUGUST. Still living out of totes & plastic bags. I don't know when I'll feel comfortable enough to unpack again.

This is the 2nd year I've 'skipped' Christmas. No decorations, etc. #liberating

I still try to keep my photography going although I have to admit I haven't been as on it I used to. I was able to catch the last of a foggy morning in my town before it burned off.

I wish you Joy, Comfort & Peace. 😊