Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

Who are You When You're Alone?

I liked this shorty from one my of faves @ "Medium", Dan Pedersen.

I marinated in this while I piddled around on this day off. I was home alone, silent and with my own thoughts. One of my most favorite places to be.

"That is the real you. Unshackled from the opinions of others or the need to dominate others for your security."

I came to the conclusion that I am the same 'me' alone that I am when I'm with others. I never feel a need to 'dominate', nor do I care of others' opinions. I don't think I 'am better' than anyone @ my job. Well all do things differently, but I would hope no one looks at me as having an ego.

I basically am who I am. 24/7.

The only thing I believe I'm guilty of when I'm alone is maybe being somewhat harsh on myself. Sometimes my thoughts lean to be critical of my flaws.

But since I'm alone, I've learned to ride the waves of whatever comes up in my head. Instead of trying to deny it, I let it be, then try to put it back where it came from or get rid of it altogether.

When I'm alone, I am:

• Quiet
• Thoughtful
• Mindful
• Meditative
• Angry
• Disappointed
• Lonely
• Thankful
• Artistic
• Creative
• Sad (sometimes)
• Heart Sick

And after I've had time to mull over those feelings, something will usually bring back to 'real life', being in the moment, then I move on.

It's only being human. And comfortable in my skin.

This is Who I Am When I Am Alone.

By: Me

Who Are You? 👀👀

Namaste.

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 

I Am A Badass...

This.

This book right here.

Gives me life.

In reading, I felt like "Jen" was speaking directly to me. I have so many pages tagged that I go back to.

Just to read & re-read. For assurance.

That I am definitely a Badass.

And proud of it.

💋

Your "Word" for 2017

I'm proud of myself for completing thus far 29 photo prompts of December Reflections. The only 2 I missed were days 24 and 25 and I don't believe in going back in this case. I enjoy these because it makes my brain connect a picture to the prompts. It wasn't difficult since I shoot about a gazillion pictures making it easy to go back & connect one with the other.

I will not participate in the last day. I mean I will, but it won't be "MY" word. I've decided not to have a word for the upcoming year. There are already plenty of words out there; I don't need to put another pain in my ass for feeling like failure when I don't 'live up' to the word.' I have enough on my mind.

For instance, the word below was my 2016 word. Yes, I came out strong creating a bold, kick-ass banner that screamed as much. However, I realized in the last few hours of the old year that I haven't done one damn thing that equates 'brave.'

My "2016 unused word" (Photo by Me)

If you want to call walking out on a stressful new job after a 3 year dry period 'brave', then you can count that. I didn't feel brave at all. I felt like I was leaving before the door hit me in the ass, so to speak. It's less painful when you 'fire' yourself than to hear it coming from your boss. Lol!!

My ever-wise friend, Se'lah, gave me this bit of knowledge tonight:

"If something doesn't personally make a difference in your life, there is no need to embrace it." 

My Photo

What? I don't?? Her saying that was SO freeing!!! Why the hell couldn't I have figured that out myself? I need to surround myself more folks spitting wisdom. Now I need to dig into myself to see what other shit is holding me hostage and why I feel married to shit that doesn't make me feel good.

Peace, light and DUH!!!! 😡

God's Pallette

Hey there! It's been a little while. I cannot believe we are on our 11th day of October!!! Time truly does fly. Such a cliché phrase, yet so apparent.

We're having color changes here in Ohio; some trees are brilliant, yet some still hold onto their summer greens. I am fascinated each year at God's Pallette.

Peaceful, bright Westlawn Cemetery. Bliss.

Amazing!!!

Things going on in my life right now:

• Been on a few job interviews to no avail :-(. Trusting in God and practicing patience
• Praying on doubting myself. After each failed interview, a little piece of my 'worth' feels stripped away
• Praying strongly that my mortgage company can work w/me on keeping my house
• Praying strongly that we can find a soft place for my mother to land. Her house is being sold,  she has to be uprooted. This is such a tender matter for me. I'm more worried about her well-being than I am for myself. She is 81 years old, after all. I never imagined dealing with this and seeing the truly 'elderly' in mom. Makes my heart ache
• I haven't been able to get to stylist in months!!! Trying not to look like 'Grandma Moses'; Lol!!

"Changes"

Mini 'Burning Bush'

And that is about all I have going on. I'm 'living the dream'. :-)

Self Portrait

 

One of my two birthday hats from my son.

50

Me, dancing like nobody's watching

Unforgotten youth

Getting ready to soar into the sky

... and feel the sunshine on my face

In two days, I'll be 50 years old. It sounds funny to say since I don't feel that old at all. I remember when I was 17, I wondered what I would look like at 30; when I look in the mirror, I don't see any difference except the usual 'life lines' that come along. Oh, and gray hair, but "Mocha Ash #4" takes care of that. :-)

I don't have any major life plans going on. My greatest accomplishment to date is my autistic son, who has grown into a handsome, amazing 25 year old young man. I like to say we 'grew up with each other.'

I am still a huge work in progress. There are areas of my life that I'm unhappy with; may this milestone let me examine myself deep within & free myself from all the mental blockage that I carry. I hope to speak my mind more freely; allow myself to feel more deeply, grow more confident with myself & be more kind/gentle with and to myself.

May I continue to get wiser in my faith and walk the path God puts before me. May I continue to be kind and compassionate to those in need; may I believe in love for myself and open my heart to the possibilities that "it" could happen to and for me.

But mostly, may I release my inner fears and live my best life. For another 50 years.

Namaste. :-)

20 Self Randoms

Happy Zinnias

I'm taking my cue from Sophistishe's blog today & giving you 20 self randoms. Here goes:

1. I have 6 brothers & 2 sisters
2. I used to play clarinet
3. I used to have a great singing voice & would sing constantly
4. I once went to charm school (epic fail)
5. I was a notorious tomboy who preferred overalls & Converse gym shoes over a silly dress any day
6. I can grow a perfect set of 10 nails in a month.
7. I have a dreamy, romantic vision of living in the country in a fab farm house
8. I've found that life is much more peaceful and blessed since I learned to let my autistic son be himself. It's not about me
9. As I get older, I get more shy about the gap 'tween my teeth
10. I don't like pictures of myself
11. I'm a loner. I love grabbing the camera, taking off by myself & going wherever, stopping randomly, maybe ending up in the library with no one's schedule but my own
12. I'm a nice, thoughtful person. Real nice. Lol. "D" says 'too nice.' (???) But I will also cut ya if you piss me off... :-/
13. I'm struggling to think of 7 more randoms....
14. I have a hard time calling myself a 'photographer.'
15. I want to spend some time island hopping the island off the coast of Georgia
16. I don't ever want to work again unless it's something I can totally love. I've never been more relaxed in my life than I have in these last 2 months
17. I am very, very shy in crowds & @ parties
18. I have nice hair (lol!) thanks to a good stylist every 2 weeks & hair/skin/nails vitamins
19. I never meet a stranger
20. I have to be careful not to give my heart away too easily

Subtle

sub·tle: /ˈsətl/: Adjective

1. (esp. of a change or distinction) So delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe.
2. (of a mixture or effect) Delicately complex and understated.

Synonyms: subtile - fine - delicate - nice - sharp

fine or delicate in meaning or intent; difficult to perceive or understand: subtle irony

Yesterday, I wondered where to hang a picture I love

Then it hit me, in fact it was almost like I heard it out loud

"Change it, move it, claim your space"

So I removed a picture that's been hanging for years

Which is very precious, indeed

But it's not me, nor my life

And now I realize, it never truly was

But was allowed out of respect

My time now

When my action was questioned, I felt strong & proud & fierce

When I let it be known

That it's my time now

Subtly will get you everywhere.

Listen to Me

Dear Teen-aged Me,

This is you in your 49th year, five months short of your 50th. I am sure that in itself freaks you out since you thought 30 years was "old." I am going to give you some life tips; keep this list close to you at all times. Do not stray from it and you should do okay:

• Accept what you look like & love yourself. Everybody is different for a reason
• Looks are fleeting so don't worry about being "cute" or "pretty". What will make you awesome is your attitude, your sense of humor, your kind heart, and your smile. Looks may get you into the room, but common sense keeps you in there.
• Besides, the girls that you think are 'all that' become 'not so pretty & slim' later in your life. You will smile about that inside :-)
• NEVER try to 'fit in.' If it's not for you the way you are then walk away
• Stay away from gossipers. If they gossip to & with you; they will surely gossip about you
• Don't ever EVEN think of getting the gap in your teeth closed w/braces. You will find out that it is truly part of what makes you you
• Take your schooling as far as you can. Continue to learn as much as you can forever. Always strive to learn something new, daily, even if it's only a new word. Learn!

• Try to keep the self-esteem your family instilled in you. Without it, you will miss out, misuse, mistake, & make bad judgments
• DO. NOT fall into the "guy trap" of being with every guy just because he wants to be with you. Choose for yourself & be very selective & careful. You are much more precious than that
• If you feel pressured to have sex. Don't. You'll thank yourself later.
• DO. NOT confuse sex with love. They are the polar opposites of each other. You may feel extremely special at that time, but you may get your heart broken beyond repair
• No matter what type of employment you have, do it like you love it, and be the best at it. You will be working for God, not man
• Always be able to take care of yourself financially.
• Always have a goal and work toward it, constantly
• Always have a hobby and enjoy it, constantly
• Always believe the best is yet to come
• If you're not happy about something, change it, especially in your relationship(s)
• Don't EVER stay with a guy who hits you, even once. EVER!
• If you're going to have children, marry their father FIRST
• If you're going to marry, talk to your pastor to make sure you guys are on the same page



• Keep God first and foremost @ the helm of your life. Remember how you loved Sunday school? Keep loving it
• Always think and speak positive thoughts & words
• Always remember how beautiful & perfectly made you are
• Stay close to your family; they're really all you have
• That gut feeling in your belly & that little voice in your head? Listen to them. It will make all the difference in the "whats/who's & where's in your life
• Take chances & risks for good things no matter how nervous it might make you; ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships were made for
• Lastly, listen to your mother with the fierceness. She really DOES know everything. She wasn't born your mother; she was a teenager just like you.

Namaste.

What's my flair?

I wonder what is my flair?

Am I bold enough to go with very little hair?


Or wear the reddest of lipsticks

Or the twistiest of twists?

The mic is open on the stage

Waiting for who would dare

Am I courageous enough to get up there?

 And even though its not for me, how big would the butterfly on my back be?



 And the tiny diamonds wore in the nose
When worn so subtly can strike such a pose

The women who rock these things seem sure, confident, kick ass, moving, pushing, going

While I wonder, what is my flair?

Pictures: Internet

Day 18, A Day of Thanks

I have failed epically at giving daily thanks, even though I have been thankful, daily. In keeping with Happenings @ Chaos, my dear friend, Sharon's, timely & daily blessings inspire me.


I am grateful for making what I feel are the right decisions regarding discipline

I am grateful for this beautiful November weather: sunshine & blue skies, even tho temps are high 40's & low 50's.

I am grateful for the beautiful fall mess that is my yard. With the golden yellow leaves from the maple all over the place, I think it looks rustic

I am grateful that it's my house and I don't have to rake if I don't want to. Ever. Lol.

I am grateful that everything will still bloom in its time, even if I don't rake.

I am grateful for the grace I am feeling in the face of adversity about the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving plans have changed multi-times in as many as 3 days. I'm about ready to chuck it all. WITH grace. :-\

I am grateful for Xanax. :-)

Down time

"Time is a very healing place, one in which you can grow."  ~Denise Tanner

With time off of work, one thing I never thought I would do is sleep. Then again, I stay up 'late' because I can right now. After the house has gone to bed, I have total quiet with no one asking me anything or asking anything of me. Bliss.

I have still been getting up to get Son up. There are a few things I would def. need to check; like what he's wearing, how much breakfast is he eating; reminding him of the time. Oh, and to tie his shoes (lol.)

It's been feeling good to crawl back into bed once Son leaves & I give the dogs their time outside, but then I get the noise of the rest of the world; garbage trucks, school buses, city repair workers, lawn mowers. Scream.

Still my precious time alone seems short.I need to realize that downtime doesn't equal house work. Do I know how to have downtime? Since tomorrow is the last of our warm days (I HOPE those 4 days of heat wasn't Indian Summer), I will get out & soak up this last bit of warmth. With camera in hand, of course. :-)