Much Needed

 Family time. Free to just hang out on my own time with no interruptions. Totally in the moment, surrounded by what truly matters.

Best News of the Day

Hey, folks.

Sister #1 has decided to take Sister #2 up on the offer of renting mom's house!!!!

My heart was so overjoyed @ this news.

This means we don't have to rush to get the remaining weird crap outta the house (we still will - there's just no deadline rush).

This means we don't have to put mom's fancy clothes, hats, etc., in storage until it is decided what it to be done with them.

This means the house with the great patio/backyard will stay in the family and we will continue to celebrate there.

This means the Yellow Maple planted in the backyard honoring my brother's memory will continue to have our eyes adore it.

This means Sister #1 will be a HOMEOWNER (as opposed to a townhouse renter).

This means we will still have a reason to go to that side of town (the North East).

This means Sister #1 will take a lovely home and put her lovely touches to it.

This means.....God is always right on time.

All the time.

Peace.

Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

Checkin' In

You turn your back for one minute and another month passes. Hello Ms. March!

03/06/18, 6:15 p.m. backyard sunset by: Me

• I'm finding it hard to believe this June will mark ONE YEAR of my being at the store.
• Nothing more in life has been happening here. I haven't been to Italy, Greece, The Coastal Georgia Islands or any place else that's been on my bucket list forever. Often times I wonder if I'll ever get to any of those places.
• I feel like I live a very quiet life which is cool, but at times can be quite maddening. This lovely quote comforts me in some way:

"Solitude" by: Me

• On the reading front: "A Confident Heart" has become another one of my favorites. I love my faith, God and any good reading that makes me feel even more grateful in my gratitude walk
• "The Story of Arthur Truluv", because I love anything Elizabeth Berg writes
• "They Left Us Everything" because I love a good memoir and it kinda reminds me of what my sibs and I will have to face with mom...
• "Happier At Home" because who doesn't want their home to be simple, comfortable and full of love?
• "Living In Full Bloom" because I'm all in for books that share how to live in constant bloom; and
• "Daughters of Men" perhaps because I didn't have a father/daughter relationship in my life and I love reading about Black Women who do/did

On the art front: Paint chip butterflies on canvas board, hot glue on canvas board covered in foil and polished w/black shoe polish, my contribution to Valentine's Day (acrylic paint on canvas board), and "Loretta and Devine" (named after the amazing Loretta Devine), my first time with Orchids. Side note: "Loretta" is THRIVING: ALL the petals have since fallen off "Devine." 😭 Research says don't trip - she's not dead.

"Loretta"

"Devine"

 Until next time - from this quiet life.

Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Everyone Has A Story

An elder lady let me go ahead of her in the grocery line today. Since she was so kind & friendly, I inquired as to what she was going to prepare with quite a bit of pork. In the time it took for me to check out, I learned/loved of her:

• Friendly
• Kind
• 83 years old
• She still drives herself everywhere
• She wore makeup (brows, powder & lipstick)
• Her outfit was pulled together
• She loves cooking
• FROM SCRATCH
• She cooked daily for her husband and six (6) children; FROM SCRATCH
• TV dinners, if ever, were a "treat" or a "snack"
• Her adult children now cook for their families FROM SCRATCH
• She makes her own Chow-Mein
• She makes her own HANDMADE NOODLES for said Chow-Mein
• She's a pork lover; no chicken and/or beef
• She used be well-known for her pork chop dishes
• She uses bone-less pork chops & Kraut in the crock pot every year for New Year's (one of her son's favorites)
• Her mother died when she was 2 years old
• She grew up in foster homes, the longest being on a farm
• By the time she was 10 years old, she could prepare a full course meal - alone
• Folks aren't kind like they used to be
• She wished my mom a Happy Birthday!! :-)
• Her biggest fear is Alzheimer's/Dementia
• Her Aunt had Alzheimer's and it was/is a horrible condition
• She tries to stay sharp by doing what she loves
• She wished me a Happy New Year
• She hugged me

When I got to my car, hot tears streamed down my face. I felt super-blessed to have had that brief peek into her life, to have met her. But on the other hand, I felt truly bad for mom. My mother was NEVER a bubbly, conversation-starter, friendly person, but when I looked at this lady one year younger than mom, and still so full of life.....

Today, I was definitely in the right place at the exact right time. And I thank God for that.

Peace.

Beautiful, vibrant stranger (Google Image)

Holy crap; Holidays are coming

I am one of the folks who puts so much pressure on themselves for the holidays that I truly go numb. I mean numb like my anxiety reaches such a height that I don't have room for one other thought. Here are my bullet points so I'll keep it short.

• I'm not working (still)
• Bills (what else is new)
• Christmas shopping on extremely limited funds
• Having my mother over for Thanksgiving (she barely eats anything & last year kept her coat on - SCREAM!!!)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• Cooking Thanksgiving dinner (when I'm panicked, I can't focus & cook my best)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• What to get for James (son) for Christmas - especially w/very limited funds
• My sister's annual Ohio State v. Michigan game (great company, great food, but WAY too much alcohol consumed by all, especially the Sig.Other (sigh...........))
• This makes me not want to attend, but I will... which will cause me to drink more wine than usual. :-)

Then on the other hand, I long for the families and the commercials showing everyone gathering for the holidays, laughing, exchanging gifts & having a good time. All the way down to the perfect Christmas decorations by Pier One. Lol.

I would like to enjoy the holidays in these ways:

"Christmas by Pier 1"

"A calm, happy, normal Thanksgiving"; and

"A nice, elegant New Years"

I told mom that I wish our family had traditions we adhered to yearly. She told me to star my own traditions. What is she trying to do, give me a stroke? Lol. But.... if I want it, it has to start with me. And that would cause me to drink more wine that usual. :-)


Photographs via the Internet

There are no "sides"

I am the daughter

Remember how your parents always were in charge of your lives until you grew up and moved on?

What happens when the roles are forced to change?

Your are the mother

And what happens when the role reversal is met with sheer, intense resistance? When the mother will never admit there are things she can't or doesn't remember? Is it her fear of losing independence? What about when you have 7 siblings who the mother calls "those other people" because they, too, have expressed concern?

Role reversal can be scary

It's time to lay down the role of 'best friend, encourager, cheer-er upper, running buddy" and be honest. When I expressed my own concerns, they were met with disdain. "You've been talking to "them!" "I need you to have you OWN opinion!" "I need someone I can depend on to support me "against them!"

Sigh... there are no "thems", there are only "us." ALL of us. I shared that all concern came from nothing but love.

There are no sides.

"Happily ever ... "

 My nephew's wedding went off without a hitch! I was so proud to be asked and so proud to be trusted with such precious memories. Between double shooting with Sony & Canon, I came up with 500 pix. I would say 250+ that I'll use because I like to take burst of three of each shot. This was/is my gift to the young, military couple.

It felt funny to be called "the photographer." Lol. "Oh! the 'photographer' is here, they'd say. I'm glad at the last minute, I decided to use my 20+ year old photo bag to carry all my crap. I felt professional.

 I was shaking with nerves all morning the day of the wedding. Probably because I was the 'main' photographer; no one else. Once I got started, I fell into my zone.

Love this instead of the boring traditional, corney, man/woman cake topper

Sweet details

I'm now in the process of processing & getting the photos ready to send off to the couple. I HATE being this late, but what can I say; I want to make sure each photo is great. I sending off in a couple of wedding albums (hoping not to offend w/my own choice), w/lots of special touches. Who knows where it could lead? Presentation is everything :-)

Sunday

Proverbs 22:6 ~Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

This verse always brings to mind our family "wall of fame." My mother had a wall covered with all nine of her children in their senior and gradation cap/gowns photos. Underneath it all, she had a framed saying with this verse. And it still rings true. And none of us have ever turned from it. Thank you, mom :-)

Pictures: by me; outside of the North Canton City Library

Participating in: The Sunday Community

Advent Day 23/Peace on Earth.

O come, desire of Nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind.
Bid thou our sad divisions cease
And be thyself our King of Peace.

As the days draw closer to the birth of our King, my anticipation quickens. Even though it isn't about the receiving, but the giving, I was able to completely shop for Son & "D" w/out the rush of the crowd, or spending a lot of money. I was able to get things I know they need & want. That gave me a certain amount of peace.

As this past year of oh, so much violence comes to a close, I pray for greater peace in the coming year. Peace in our towns, cities, states, countries and the world.

As we enter another year of life, I pray that we will all stay faithful, peaceful, kind to ourselves and our loved ones, reach out to others, cultivate our relationships that mean so much to us, and keep God in the forefront of our lives.

Our faith, our Father & His Son is all we have left to hang onto to get through each and everything.

We are blessed.

~ Namaste

Picture: me (part of the "lights in the park" display near my home)

When I think of home

 This time of year reminds of a time long ago. When were mere children that LOVED the sign of snow.

We hung around the radio, listening to WHBC; fingers crossed, wishing, that because of snow, no school there would be

 This was THEE time to gather with friends, for sledding, building forts & snowball to the face (Lol!)

 Now that I am an adult,  I think nothing will ever take that place.

Christmas was coming & Santa was near. Our house filled with presents, fruits, candies, & family so dear

I could go on & on, but don't wanna drone

But these are the things I think, when I think of home.
:o)


Lol! Carry on Tuesday: "when I think of home"
(PS: these pictures are from 3/2011; thank God we haven't seen anything like this - thus far.)