Hello, Ms. New Year

Photo by: Me

Happy New Year to all out there!! They say the new year is the start to a clean slate, but truly - everyday is a clean slate if you think about it.

I haven't for the past couple of years made any resolutions. I just do whatever it is I'm going to do. Besides, I suck @ staying true when I 'resolve.'

However, here are some things that would nice if they would/could happen:

• We find a solution of what to do with mom as her dementia increases
• Mom will allow us to act on her behalf in her best interests
• I will continue to be able to stay in my home. With things shifting, sometime I get just a tad antsy but have to remember God telling me to "be still and know..."
• Carve out serious practice time for the guitar instead of letting it go so long that I have to keep repeating lesson #1
• I can make some type of road trips (or a flight would be even better) to take some new, fresh pictures
• Someone would look @ my FB Photo Bus. page and think, 'OH MY GEEZ, I JUST HAVE TO OWN AN ORIGINAL 😀
• I can get asked to shoot more weddings/parties and charge what I'm worth
• Perhaps at the prompting of Sister #2, create that Photo Book of my pix
• Hoping my creative spark returns. Everything I've touched lately turns out like shit in my eyes
• I can be more real and honest with myself
• I will make time to write here @ least once a week
• I will make time to plop my behind down onto the mat and do yoga again. I know some aches and pains I have sometime can be cured with a solid routine
• Find time to give more attention to my dogs. It's a lot of work taking care of two on your own when it was SUPPOSED to be a joint-project
• Stop spending so much time alone and forge real friendships. Introversy be damned
• May I stretch myself to grow in all ways positive and trust the process

Life is such a beautiful, crazy, mysterious, scary thing.

Photo by: me "Reflections of..."

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

I Am A Badass...

This.

This book right here.

Gives me life.

In reading, I felt like "Jen" was speaking directly to me. I have so many pages tagged that I go back to.

Just to read & re-read. For assurance.

That I am definitely a Badass.

And proud of it.

💋

Feelin' Me

My Collage

So.... one day I realized when removing my head scarf from the night before, that I look rather 'regal' with this thing on. This very thing that I've worn since childhood (don't forget your HEAD RAG!!); this very thing that I see women sport on the regular thinking I would never dare try....

I took it a little further and added some sparkles from crafting down my forehead/third eye and added a touch of lip stick.

And Queen Makeda arrived. I'm not real fond of photos of myself, especially when I try taking a 'selfie' with a full scale DSLR (I don't own a smart phone), but here, I feel.... pretty.

Someone told me I looked like Maya Angelou.

I replied: "AND STILL I RISE." :-)

Standing w/Standing Rock

"The protesters want to see construction of the pipeline halted entirely and its route changed. They point to a rising number of pipeline accidents in recent years as evidence that they are right to be concerned about the safety of their water source. 

“These pipelines are often seeping or leaking in small places, and we don’t have any way to detect them,” Doug Hayes, a staff attorney at the Sierra Club, told The Huffington Post in September. “These are the types of concerns the tribes have, and they’re, frankly, very well-founded.”
Such concerns were part of the reason why the pipeline’s original route, which passed near Bismarck, the state’s capital, was abandoned.
The tribe and its supporters also believe they were not properly consulted concerning the project’s effect on sacred sites and burial grounds."

Now... THIS pisses me off more than the disappointment I felt when 'the new Sheriff' got elected. Haven't the Natives been fucked with enough?

One would think so.

There are no "sides"

I am the daughter

Remember how your parents always were in charge of your lives until you grew up and moved on?

What happens when the roles are forced to change?

Your are the mother

And what happens when the role reversal is met with sheer, intense resistance? When the mother will never admit there are things she can't or doesn't remember? Is it her fear of losing independence? What about when you have 7 siblings who the mother calls "those other people" because they, too, have expressed concern?

Role reversal can be scary

It's time to lay down the role of 'best friend, encourager, cheer-er upper, running buddy" and be honest. When I expressed my own concerns, they were met with disdain. "You've been talking to "them!" "I need you to have you OWN opinion!" "I need someone I can depend on to support me "against them!"

Sigh... there are no "thems", there are only "us." ALL of us. I shared that all concern came from nothing but love.

There are no sides.

NaBloPoMo, etc...

Live your life like it's golden!! ~ Jill Scott

1) I've decided to blow up this picture of our darling, Tuesday, into a 11x14 & post it in my room. She is the epitome of life, love and extreme happiness. She wears flowers in her hair, dances in circles, screams songs @ the top of her voice, claps & spins in happy circles, counts in Spanish, and embraces the pure love that flows through her. When I told my brother of my project, he said he prayed when she was born that she would do great things & bring happiness to others. Mission accomplished.

2) For reasons too stupid to go into, I've lost yet another job. I really loved this one; working @ the church w/disabled young men & women. I miss them so much. I'm two days into new unemployment. Clearly, God thought my time there was enough to serve my purpose. Being one to never overstay their welcome, I accept the change. I can't wait to see what He has for me next.

3) #2 rattled me a little. I instantly blamed myself & began the process of pity-party; I'm not worthy. None of this is true, of course, but the human part of me runs to those places. Hides from God, so to speak, instead of running to Him. I trust Him to lead me through all circumstances. Even though it took me to break out in a round of hives to realize it.

4) I've been really faithful to my card making & sending them out to my 'angels.' How cool is it to send cheer to a total stranger & get a reply of how grateful they are for my words? While it's bringing me cheer, the time I spend keeps me sane.

5) I'm ready to get business cards ordered for Cuppa "T" Photography. I post pictures daily @ Facebook with positive response. I'm now working on an order for a set of 10 note cards! Yes, the person could have very well bought blank note cards @ a store, but I'm glad they chose my creations.

6) I've committed to NaBloPoMo February 2014; subject - "Perspective", complete with daily prompts so I won't stray off the planet. I also read up on how to spread the word about the blog after posting. This is a must, otherwise, if not linked to another blog subject, your posts will sit unnoticed.

Until next time ~ Namaste.

"Live!!!"

And my official word for the upcoming New Year is:

"LIVE"

¹live :verb \ˈliv\:to exhibit vigor, gusto, or enthusiasm

Maybe in some way, this can tie in with my bucket list at: http://bucketlist.org/list/traceykinohio/. :-)

Do you have a word that will be your mantra in 2014?

Randoms

I'll admit that in 2014, I want to fly. If I only had the courage. Let go of the fear.

I don't want to drag any 2013 baggage along

I want to realize what is real in my life, stop allowing emptiness & look at the big picture

Life would be perfect if: Some girls had mute buttons; Some guys had edit buttons; Hard times had fast forward buttons; And Good times had pause buttons.

I continue to be interested in new things that seem old, and old things that seem new.

Powerful Beyond Measure

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

In my life, this quote rings strong and true. If you're anything like me, when your light begins to shine too bright, we tend to dim it. Why? When I get compliments on my pictures, my first inner thought is, 'pffttt...anyone & everyone w/a camera could take THAT!'. Why can't I accept that I saw & captured it

Am I afraid of my power beyond measure?

Hello!!!

Hey friends! I'm still here. I know it's been awhile, but I've been spending so much time outside amongst my flowers that I haven't been motivated to write. Not that I have anything going on, but I thought I'd touch base.

I'm still unemployed. I have to admit, I haven't been searching that hard. I'm still trying to figure out what is good for me, but still avoiding any type of law firm. I applied to a couple of administrative jobs; one I didn't get, the other I haven't heard back yet. Trusting God to lead me in the right direction.

My son has been connected with a mentor that gives him four hours per week. This makes both of us feel so much better; he's getting out with "the fellas", and I have time to myself without worrying about having to drive him. So far, they've been to a couple of movies, a football game, The Hall of Fame, etc. We are blessed.

Dahlia #1 in kitchen table sunset

 A couple of weeks ago, I ran into an ex-co-worker at a downtown art studio. It didn't occur to me that she was selling her art until after we screamed & hugged. Lol. She told me after having more employers after we last saw each other, she went back to school for four years & got her degree in Graphic Design, and started doing her art. She makes beautiful colorful collages from magazine pages! Who would've thought?? Framed and matted, they make good abstract art.

Dahlia #2 in kitchen table sunset

Her message to me was to:

• never work for another law firm; they're the most disrespectful, entitled, shit-rolls-down-hill (right into your lap), self-esteem breaker type of places;
• find pleasure in doing what you love to do and make that your living. 

While Brenda isn't working right now, she's still in school and selling her art. She loves going to school & said she wishes there was a way she be could paid for being an eternal student. But the thing that got me was: she is very, very happy.

Namaste

vive la différence

I'm loving the touch of adding words to my pictures.
"Cuppa "T" came to me when I got my first DSLR & discovered total freedom.
When encouraged to market myself, I grow shy; even though it is my passion
I say, 'there is so much of 'it' out there already; what will make me unique?'
When deep down I embrace "vive la différence"*
Il est bon**

* (to celebrate ("vive" is equivalent to "long live") being different, meaning it's good that everyone is different.
**(it is good)

Pictures: Cuppa "T" Photography (me) :-)
Carry On Tuesday word prompt: "vive la différence"

Subtle

sub·tle: /ˈsətl/: Adjective

1. (esp. of a change or distinction) So delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe.
2. (of a mixture or effect) Delicately complex and understated.

Synonyms: subtile - fine - delicate - nice - sharp

fine or delicate in meaning or intent; difficult to perceive or understand: subtle irony

Yesterday, I wondered where to hang a picture I love

Then it hit me, in fact it was almost like I heard it out loud

"Change it, move it, claim your space"

So I removed a picture that's been hanging for years

Which is very precious, indeed

But it's not me, nor my life

And now I realize, it never truly was

But was allowed out of respect

My time now

When my action was questioned, I felt strong & proud & fierce

When I let it be known

That it's my time now

Subtly will get you everywhere.

Between You and Me

"I am beautiful in my own way"

"I find my daily meals in places you will never look"

"I am free to go wherever I want"

"I take flight when the spirit moves me"

"I haven no human worries"

"That's the difference between you and me"

Sunday Scribblings word prompt: "between you & me"

"Do You....

 I don't usually get into religious or political things with folks. No religion talks because everyone has their own faith in their own higher power.

I don't talk politics because I am extremely politically incorrect. I don't know enough (or never paid attention enough) to know what was going on, so I steer clear.

... See

 A few days ago, a close friend, who considers himself Islam, sent me a couple of YouTube vids. of a Pastor who mentored him back in the day. The pastor was saying what lies the Bible tells, and the books of the Bible are all stories made up & translated. He said the "King James" version of the Bible was created by a man named James Stuart.

There was another video called "There is no Jesus & he's not coming Back." I didn't bother to watch that one because I couldn't get past the first video.

... what

 I told my friend that this was against everything I had ever learned in my life, and while it was interesting to give a listen, I couldn't agree with it because I know who my Lord & Savior are. The pastor that preaches this & has many videos out there, almost made it sound racially charged.

The things I heard stung me! As my thoughts lingered on them, I had to have some quiet meditation to refocus myself.

I...

...See?"

I KNOW God is my Father. He has gotten me through SO much, and I KNOW Jesus is in my heart and he died on the rugged cross for all of our sins. My faith sustains me; keeps me calm in the storm; God's arms comfort me when I need hugging, love & understanding.

When I was a child, about 9/10 yrs. & took the "big plunge" of asking Jesus to come into my heart forever, my most super favorite Bible School teacher taught me on my five fingers that Jesus said:
1) I
2) shall
3) never
4) leave
5) thee


He never has, and I'll be damned if I start to ever doubt Him.

I'll call this learning lesson: Different strokes for different folks (courtesy of Sly & the Family Stone) Lol.

Pictures taken by: me

Created by: God

Amen :-)

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.  ~Madeleine L'Engle

I am writing with thoughts of my dear Cassie. I've spoke of her here before - she's terminal with cancer, yet she is the strongest person I know. She has had so many setbacks with her health, yet she still shines through. Her faith in God is unwavering! She is now at another cross road  health wise and admits she battles huge bouts of fear, yet God keeps her steady. She is preparing to participate in another marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Please take a look at her donation page & hear a little of her story. And if you feel so inclined, please donate a little. It means so much to her, me and all the others battling and/or survived the nasty cancer. 

Peace, love & comfort to all of you. But especially to my Cassie. :-)

Picture by: me. I chose this picture to show no matter where you're planted, you can still always bloom. Just like Cass.

Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))