Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 

Your "Word" for 2017

I'm proud of myself for completing thus far 29 photo prompts of December Reflections. The only 2 I missed were days 24 and 25 and I don't believe in going back in this case. I enjoy these because it makes my brain connect a picture to the prompts. It wasn't difficult since I shoot about a gazillion pictures making it easy to go back & connect one with the other.

I will not participate in the last day. I mean I will, but it won't be "MY" word. I've decided not to have a word for the upcoming year. There are already plenty of words out there; I don't need to put another pain in my ass for feeling like failure when I don't 'live up' to the word.' I have enough on my mind.

For instance, the word below was my 2016 word. Yes, I came out strong creating a bold, kick-ass banner that screamed as much. However, I realized in the last few hours of the old year that I haven't done one damn thing that equates 'brave.'

My "2016 unused word" (Photo by Me)

If you want to call walking out on a stressful new job after a 3 year dry period 'brave', then you can count that. I didn't feel brave at all. I felt like I was leaving before the door hit me in the ass, so to speak. It's less painful when you 'fire' yourself than to hear it coming from your boss. Lol!!

My ever-wise friend, Se'lah, gave me this bit of knowledge tonight:

"If something doesn't personally make a difference in your life, there is no need to embrace it." 

My Photo

What? I don't?? Her saying that was SO freeing!!! Why the hell couldn't I have figured that out myself? I need to surround myself more folks spitting wisdom. Now I need to dig into myself to see what other shit is holding me hostage and why I feel married to shit that doesn't make me feel good.

Peace, light and DUH!!!! 😡

Let me bring you up to date....

"WHERE HAVE YOU  BEEN?" is the questions I usually get from family when I 'go under.'

And you know you've been wondering, too. Don't lie to me.. Hhhaaa!!

(Go Under: when one has finally had enough of everything on her plate and chooses to go silent into ones own head; contacts no one, talks to no one & basically fills time doing photography, or making their 100th mixed media collage, and/or reading 2-3 books at one time, and always meditating on ones relationship with God (or whatever one chooses to call their higher power)

Pretty much nothing changed life-wise until I finally.... found a job. This is THEE job I thought I had been waiting three years to get. Small law-firm, even though I had no desire to go back to 'law', it was the only profession I had worked nearly all of my adult life.

About 1 month into this new venture, I realized... I had no clue what I was doing. It was hard trying to absorb the chaotic world of 'family law.' You know - the laws that had to made to curtail the behavior of lives falling apart. Divorce, dissolution, child custody, GALs (guardian ad litems for the interest of the children of the lives falling apart), jealousy, flat out hate, abuse, stalking....Damn!

I'll spare you the remainder of the train wreck, but after a short four month stint, they let me go.

Don't cry for me, Argentina; I was relieved to be let go. Yes, I felt such a release at not having to deal with that part of folks' lives and all the horrendous paperwork and meticulous steps that come along with it all. I found I would show up in a great mood and by the end of the day, I was emotionally worn out.

Short story shorter, I'm back to what Joyce Meyer calls "The Silent Years." This the time when: you are alone w/you dreams for the future, and it seems as if nothing at all is happening. You are just waiting and trying not to give up! It may even seem that what is happening to you is leading you in an opposite direction than what you had imagined. This is the season when God prepares to use you in greater and greater ways.

.... and I'm good with that.

High Anxieties

Having a bit (well, actually a shit load) of anxiety at everything going on right now. I'm finding it very hard to keep my mind still. I had all these things I was going to list, but thought that would be a buzz-kill, so I'll just hold it in (not good).

I will give thanks for another day and all that comes with because as we were taught, 'someone is having a rougher go at it than I am.'

I'm thankful that my resume was noticed @ CareerBuilder.com, even though the job turned out to be in another City. (Scream). At least it's "out there", huh?

I'm thankful for the load of golden leaves about 2 feet deep on my patio. I know everyone rushes to rake, but I like 'walking through the golden."

Otherwise, I'll keep trying to hang in there.

Seagulls @ the park

Wants vs. Needs

With time, Life becomes more about your needs instead of your wants...

I took it upon myself to buy son a small flat screen for his room this Christmas. As I have mentioned before, son is autistic and his view of the world is very, very, different from ours. We should be so fortunate.

First off, he didn't know what it was! Yes, in the world of the fastest, best, easiest electronics, son is completely unaware. He was never interested in video games, nor cell phones or anything but the basics. When it came time to check out the new TV, he said 'but I already HAVE a TV.' I thought with him being a 26 year old guy, he would want to update his room just a wee bit, but again, I was wrong.

I tried pointing out how the TV has a built-in DVD player, etc., etc., etc., only to have him ask me, 'does it have a remote?' As I made over all the features, I could see his face lose interest. Bottom line: he's happy with what he has & doesn't see the need for anything newer, flatter, 'better.'

Is this another lesson? I found that it is. How much of our wants do we mistake for need? He doesn't NEED a new TV, yet he also doesn't WANT a new TV. Prior to Christmas, I've been aching for an iPad. Why? I have a full scale PC that I'm using right now. Suddenly, my want for the newest, thinnest, fastest contraption, waned. Do I NEED that? Certainly not; do I WANT that? No so much anymore.

This lesson from son has been on my mind since Christmas day. The new TV still sits under the tree, totally untouched; the receipt on my dresser. I'm not sure where it belongs now.

"Happily ever ... "

 My nephew's wedding went off without a hitch! I was so proud to be asked and so proud to be trusted with such precious memories. Between double shooting with Sony & Canon, I came up with 500 pix. I would say 250+ that I'll use because I like to take burst of three of each shot. This was/is my gift to the young, military couple.

It felt funny to be called "the photographer." Lol. "Oh! the 'photographer' is here, they'd say. I'm glad at the last minute, I decided to use my 20+ year old photo bag to carry all my crap. I felt professional.

 I was shaking with nerves all morning the day of the wedding. Probably because I was the 'main' photographer; no one else. Once I got started, I fell into my zone.

Love this instead of the boring traditional, corney, man/woman cake topper

Sweet details

I'm now in the process of processing & getting the photos ready to send off to the couple. I HATE being this late, but what can I say; I want to make sure each photo is great. I sending off in a couple of wedding albums (hoping not to offend w/my own choice), w/lots of special touches. Who knows where it could lead? Presentation is everything :-)

Testing, testing...

James 1:2-3 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

Well, friends, time to share. Last Friday 3/22/13 @ 3:25 p.m., I was let go from my job of 11 years. If you've read here before, you know I've mentioned that my workplace was going down, so I somewhat wasn't surprised. Even when I was told "this isn't working out," I wasn't surprised.

Over the weekend, it felt very surreal, especially on Sunday night when I had nothing to prepare for. I filed an unemployment claim online (wow - times have changed since my last firing, Lol). I am prayerful, but I know if any decision is left to my ex-employer, he will deny any attempts. They barely wanted to give employees money (no raises in 7 years), let alone someone who no longer works there.

Prayers, inhaling, then exhaling.

So in these few days, I've done nothing. And I mean nothing. My feelings at first were: failure, what am I really meant to do, etc. Everyone says take time, rest, create, be productive, however, I still feel a heavy weight. My aura is dull. Thinking of finances overwhelms me right now.

I'm still getting  up each morning as 6:00 a.m. to make sure son is out the door & to take my dogs out, so there's no sleeping in. Once I hit the coffee pot & get online, I'm awake. There are plenty of things I could do around the house, but cleaning just isn't in me right now. I feel very tired. Last night, I shut off all things electronic, laid 'cross my bed in total silence & read 3 magazines, cover to cover.

I look at my mess of a desk with all it's inks, stamps, cards, etc., & can't find the groove to create anything right now. A friend suggested that it being springtime, that I hit up all the local nurseries as my love for people & all things flowers would be good for me. At first I got super-excited at the thought, then my mind wandered back to finances.

I truly do not want to go back to the office setting; especially law firms. I've been the office worker for 20+ years. So much attitude, arrogance, pettiness, gossip, mean-ness, blaming; I just want out of all that. Being a Walmart greeter or a cashier @ a grocery story sounds pretty good about now.

I don't know where this new road will take me, but for right now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. I haven't done anything more than wash my face, brush my teeth, shower & that's it. My hair is wondering what the heck am I gonna do with it. (Lol) I haven't touch it in days aside from running my fingers through it. I just have no energy. I think perhaps still a little numb.

Peace, be still.

Still Kickin'

"Growth"

Seems I feel off the planet, eh? Lol. I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. My mind has been a jumbled mess of rush, rush, rush w/my son's basketball, and then I haven't been very inspired. We're in the "gray" period of weather where drear overrules some days. Not a lot of snow, yet very cold, even when the sun does grace us with its presence.

As you can see, I've changed the looks of this place. My "words" for 2013 are "change" and "grow", so I thought I'd start with the easiest thing to do. I like how it looks less cluttered. I have enough clutter in my life, so at least this spot will look nice, clean & organized.

Nothing exciting or new has occurred so far in these 2 weeks into the New Year. It seems my employer is still sinking toward bottom, so I've been doing the resume thing. A good friend offered to "tweak" it a bit - to bring me into the current century. Lol. Or, in her words: "Tracey - NOBODY says "typing" anymore. Nor do they say "wpm" (words per minute); that is so Stone Age. Uggghh... I feel like a relic.

But I'm still kickin'. Peace & light ;-)

Picture: tracey

Grounded

How can I be me when you constantly say
You don't understand how I operate this way

I am the dreamer, with the wonderment of a child. You are the cynic, easily riled

For many years we have been bounded. When neither of us truly well rounded.

The time passes & years have abounded.

But, oh, how my heart longs to be grounded

Pictures: me
Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "grounded"

Gobble, gobble

 Here are some scenes from last year's Thanksgiving @ my house. I only had 2 guests - my mom & her gentleman caller. Even though it was small, my nerves were all over the place. I wanted everything to be just nice.

About an hour into it, I was ready for it to be over. My mother wasn't in the best of moods, she ate enough food to MAYBE fill a mouse, then pushed it around her plate.

 She kept her coat on (she said it was cold in the house) and... let's just say.... well, no let's not say. Lol.

I have come to the conclusion that this year, I will celebrate alone. I'm dropping out of the rat race & won't feel an ounce of guilt about it. "D" has to work from 9-4, Son will eat about 3 or so, and I... well I never actually sit down to eat anyway so it doesn't matter.

And that will be the same for anything else that comes up that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Guilt free.

"Stress is not something that gets to us because of what happens to us, it is what happens to us because we let something get to us."

Pictures: me

Randoms & Sunrises

"Backyard sunrise"

"Being a passenger"

Sunrise in motion

I was a passenger this morning so I had a chance to shoot a couple of sunrise shots out the window. It was magnificent.

Son will be 25 on the 5th of next month. We have been having 'adult' issues with him re: s-e-x. I often have to remind myself, even though he is autistic, he IS a grown young man, so it's been a rather delicate thing to handle. I knew the day would come & I hope I'm guiding him in the right direction. This is usually a father/son
issue, but as I am both, I did my best. Lol. Sigh...

I have 4-1/2 days of vacation I need to take before my 11th year anniversary on the 29th, so next week, I will work 1/2 a day, then be off the rest of the week. I am looking forward to it. I am hoping to organize myself photo-wise, craft-wise, reading wise, slowly break down the yard/patio/porch for the winter & spend some time with mom.

But mostly I'm hoping to relax, slow down & bask in the glow of not having any place to be. :-)

"It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be."
--Eileen Caddy

Pictures: me