My Story, Part II

 

I'm curious about this second half of my story now that I'm alone. Then I read this by Jennifer Camp from "Loop":

"... But there are pages being written now, My love, pages of story with you as the protagonist. You are the center of the story I am writing with you. And you get to decide, so much, of what happens. You get to work with Me in the shaping of your story, the rise and fall of the details of your life. 

No, you don’t have control over it all. No, you can’t change the setting sometimes, or the other characters with whom you interact. For sometimes I bring those people in and these events into your life, for you to see Me more, love Me and pour Me out a bit more. But you do choose how to enter into your story, or how to dismiss opportunities I bring, reject people you could love. You have a say in what you do within the story. You have a say in whom you love and whom you don’t love, in where you go and what you do with your time.

Oh, your story, My love . . . Do you see it written out? Do you see My fingerprints upon the page? I love looking at it, all the good that has happened, all the places in you where I want to bring hope, all the places in you that still need healing, still need freedom. There are places in you where you still need to see where I was, how I loved you in each place of heartache, disappointment, and pain.

So, let Me show you the story of your life through My eyes. I have some new things to show you, some rises and falls you have not yet seen. And it’s good. I will show you the places where I come, with My presence and My hope and My love, to make it good.

Does this sound good? Let’s look, together, at your story." ~ Love, God

Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

Update

Seriously? Day 24? Lol. Sometimes I don't know why I bother with these prompts. 😕

"Inspiring Movie": I loved this one. Eddie Murphy was 'bravo worthy' for sure. If you haven't seen it, don't sleep on it. It's purely worth it.

I got my photos submitted for the Arbor Day Photo Contest ("Tree-Mend-Us). I almost didn't make the deadline. The voting ceremony will be this Friday (27th) then the winners will be announced May 4th @ a ceremony at a very cool art gallery in our city's art district. I'll keep ya posted. Here are the submissions:

On the very cool end, I have a buyer for the black/white photo!! 😀 I never know what to charge for my pictures, but I think I've come up with a reasonable price. I have such a bad habit of under selling my talent/worth. If the buyer isn't happy with the price, that will be okay too.

On a not so cool end, mom's doctor has diagnosed her with "severe Alzheimers." 😩 We're in the process of obtaining guardianship. He said it'll get a lot worse as she'll begin to have angry outbursts. We have tons of information, options, etc., but I am SO heartbroken. He said she's rapidly declining & probably 'won't be with us much longer.' THAT was the heart-squeezer for me & I'm always on the brink of hot tears.

At a time like this, I stay in tight communication with God for strength & constantly reflect on the word "Impermanence" which was taught to me at a time when I was grieving for a friend.

The best we can do is spend as much time w/her as possible while we still have her.

Amen.

Checkin' In

You turn your back for one minute and another month passes. Hello Ms. March!

03/06/18, 6:15 p.m. backyard sunset by: Me

• I'm finding it hard to believe this June will mark ONE YEAR of my being at the store.
• Nothing more in life has been happening here. I haven't been to Italy, Greece, The Coastal Georgia Islands or any place else that's been on my bucket list forever. Often times I wonder if I'll ever get to any of those places.
• I feel like I live a very quiet life which is cool, but at times can be quite maddening. This lovely quote comforts me in some way:

"Solitude" by: Me

• On the reading front: "A Confident Heart" has become another one of my favorites. I love my faith, God and any good reading that makes me feel even more grateful in my gratitude walk
• "The Story of Arthur Truluv", because I love anything Elizabeth Berg writes
• "They Left Us Everything" because I love a good memoir and it kinda reminds me of what my sibs and I will have to face with mom...
• "Happier At Home" because who doesn't want their home to be simple, comfortable and full of love?
• "Living In Full Bloom" because I'm all in for books that share how to live in constant bloom; and
• "Daughters of Men" perhaps because I didn't have a father/daughter relationship in my life and I love reading about Black Women who do/did

On the art front: Paint chip butterflies on canvas board, hot glue on canvas board covered in foil and polished w/black shoe polish, my contribution to Valentine's Day (acrylic paint on canvas board), and "Loretta and Devine" (named after the amazing Loretta Devine), my first time with Orchids. Side note: "Loretta" is THRIVING: ALL the petals have since fallen off "Devine." 😭 Research says don't trip - she's not dead.

"Loretta"

"Devine"

 Until next time - from this quiet life.

Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

Speak It

This became a reality for me over the last couple of weeks. I'll try to keep it brief.

• Went into a downtown coffee shop, saw this drawing and fell deeply in love upon sight

• I shot a pic & mentioned on FaceBook that I wished someone could draw it for me.
• I get a response from a FB friend that I've never met personally (but have been FB friends for a few years) that he could do for me - no problem
• I'm OVERWHELMED with gratitude. I mean just out of nowhere someone says, 'yeah... I can do that....'
• We haggle over price; well, I haggled - he told me he would do it, send it & let me decide what to pay him
• Now... clearly he doesn't know that I am clueless with that much power. Hell, I don't even know how to charge my OWN photography, let alone put a price on someone else's
• He keeps me posted on his progress, saying he wanted to find or build a frame
• I'm FREAKING over this much generosity. I mean... DYING
• Today...... this arrived

Original by S. Blakely

SERIOUSLY?????? All it took was the 'speaking' of it? Or that he thinks I'm pretty cool & enjoys my photography? What? Who? How? Why?

I cannot even put into words how grateful I am. When I keep thanking him profusely, he just says, 'thanks - glad you like it.'

What price do I put on this? The time he took to sketch this out on canvas, the shipping...

Oy vey.

I am abundantly blessed.

Namaste

Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

Dapper & Happy

Hey folks,

"Today was a good day!" ~ Ice Cube

Nothing big happened.

I just chose to find the happy in every single possible moment.

Even when I went down to social services to ask why they threatened to cut my Medicare.
It turned out to be in error so... that was a happy thing. 👏👏

Then I went to my job to get my schedule.
I love my job, so.... that was a happy thing. 👍

I sat in meditation.  I sat in God's silent presence and read his Words & felt gratitude & love.
So.... that is ALWAYS a happy thing.💗

Then, a good, sweet friend treated me to lunch. She's a former boss; we love each other like sisters.  New resty; lots of laughs & good food.
So... that's always a good, happy thing.🍲

Then I stopped @ the art supply store & picked up more canvas boards; pack of 5 for $3.00
So... that was a REALLY happy thing! 😉

Then between a few friends, I received a lot of bountiful harvest. And A LOT of Morton's Sea Salt Rubs.
So.... that made me VERY thankful, grateful and loved.

Then I came home and re-potted my gorgeous Gerbera Daisy and my Flowering Kale plants.
Plants ARE my happy, so...... you know 🌺🌻🌼

Then I cut all of my grass. I say ALL because I not only have my yard/garden, I also acquired an empty lot from the City. I like the feeling of having everything look so nice and being outside in the fresh air, sweating like a slave and being productive.
So.... that made me feel happy and accomplished. 😁

And FINALLY, a saw a gentlemen today, dressed very 'dapper', i.e., suit, hat, cane. And I told him I thought he looked so.
He replied: "AND YOU LOOK HAPPY!!! IT'S THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I LOOKED AT YOU." 👸👸

So ................... this was the theme song of my day.

It was a good day.

Find your happy in every little thing. It's truly there if you have eyes that see & ears that hear.

Hmm... I think I Might Work There....

Yeah... the 7th month. Summertime here in the midwest. And I finally found a job.

The job thing happened in a strange way. I went into a grocery store chain to check on flowers and came out with a job. Turns out, the chain is/was building a bigger, 'better' grocery and was hiring for employees to man the deli (aka the Cold Cut Counter). I was in my dirty tennis shoes, holey jeans & tank top (my typical daily summer wear), and was interviewed on the spot.

Two days later, they offered me the position. But God..... 😲

I wasn't sure it was real and didn't accept that they truly 'hired' me, even after they gave me a name tag & I started orientation. Lol. That feeling carried on even as I trained for 2 weeks and waited on customers.

So now... the new store is opening on July 12th and I'm on the schedule.

I think I work there. 👀👀

While ever place has it's round of "way too many chiefs and not enuff indians", what I like about this type of work is THE PEOPLE; THE CUSTOMERS; THE ART OF SERVING, and WORKING AS A TEAM. The art of the "Greet, Stay, Have A Nice Day" way of things. I don't know about others, but I can't have too much of a bad day when I'm smiling, telling OTHERS to have a good day when I can't seem to have one my DAMN self!!

This serves my soul better than sitting in an office where you day is dictated by the dick-head in charge's mood. Where no matter what you do, how you do it or how much of your all you give it - it's just never enuff. I won't say what I won't ever do again (because who knows?), but my pref. is being out in the open. Where I can shine.

So as I pull on my required khaki's, my red issued shirt, my name tag & slice fine meats and cheeses to the public's liking, I feel a little spark inside. Because I work there.

I think..... 🙌

July 4th; by me

Just a few

Loved it!!

I never wanted to return this book to the library.

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Even though I probably have enough spiritual reading books to start my own book store, I still adored this one. Mrs. Meyers is so kick ass.

And even though I thought this one would sappy/happy, it really is a good story of faith. Do things like these actually happen?

Let me bring you up to date....

"WHERE HAVE YOU  BEEN?" is the questions I usually get from family when I 'go under.'

And you know you've been wondering, too. Don't lie to me.. Hhhaaa!!

(Go Under: when one has finally had enough of everything on her plate and chooses to go silent into ones own head; contacts no one, talks to no one & basically fills time doing photography, or making their 100th mixed media collage, and/or reading 2-3 books at one time, and always meditating on ones relationship with God (or whatever one chooses to call their higher power)

Pretty much nothing changed life-wise until I finally.... found a job. This is THEE job I thought I had been waiting three years to get. Small law-firm, even though I had no desire to go back to 'law', it was the only profession I had worked nearly all of my adult life.

About 1 month into this new venture, I realized... I had no clue what I was doing. It was hard trying to absorb the chaotic world of 'family law.' You know - the laws that had to made to curtail the behavior of lives falling apart. Divorce, dissolution, child custody, GALs (guardian ad litems for the interest of the children of the lives falling apart), jealousy, flat out hate, abuse, stalking....Damn!

I'll spare you the remainder of the train wreck, but after a short four month stint, they let me go.

Don't cry for me, Argentina; I was relieved to be let go. Yes, I felt such a release at not having to deal with that part of folks' lives and all the horrendous paperwork and meticulous steps that come along with it all. I found I would show up in a great mood and by the end of the day, I was emotionally worn out.

Short story shorter, I'm back to what Joyce Meyer calls "The Silent Years." This the time when: you are alone w/you dreams for the future, and it seems as if nothing at all is happening. You are just waiting and trying not to give up! It may even seem that what is happening to you is leading you in an opposite direction than what you had imagined. This is the season when God prepares to use you in greater and greater ways.

.... and I'm good with that.

A new Sheriff in town....

This year is truly flying. Only one more month left in 2016.

Amazing.

After eight years, we now have a new Commander In Chief. Amazingly, it's Donald Trump.

Yes, that Donald Trump. The only one. Do you know anyone else by that name?

Now, I am NOT political in anyway, but I do have enough sense to perk up when the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

Regardless of whom you liked this election, I tended to lean toward the person who was NOT promoting division, hate, insults, potty-mouth, and out-right lack of caring for fellow human beings.

When the hate-spewing commercials first started rolling and Trump said "... and you tell them to go FUCK themselves....", I was completely mortified. NEVER in the history of my time have I heard anyone say that so blatantly in such an important matter as running our country.

I knew it was downhill from there.

But what really hurt me were the folks who all agreed with the words he chanted. And now here we are.

I'm not panicked because God is the first and the last. My life won't change any more than it changed when Obama was in the White House.

Folks who are hoping Trump fails have backward thinking because we'll ALL fail. I read something the other day that said "hoping Trump fails is like hoping the pilot crashes the plane that we're ALL ON!!!"

And on that note, carry on.

2015

I've been needing to get stuff out of my head into this space for such a while, that now I can't put words together! It's good to be back in my little piece of the world after being offline since mid-November. To catch up: Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentine's Day and Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Now, back to me. Lol.

Things are going along, with or without me. The status of my house is still in the air. I've worried myself over it so long that I've just given it to God. Worrying doesn't fix or add anything to the situation. Actually, I've come to a calming peace about it.

March 23rd was three years that I've been out of work. I won't dwell on that one right now.

Mom is becoming increasingly forgetful, which is good considering she's 82 years. I cannot put into words the way I feel about watching her lose herself. She also seems increasingly sad. I mean she was never a happy person anyway, but now she can't find the joy in anything.

I'm very patient with her though. She may ask the same question 4 times w/in 20 minutes, but it's okay. She's still beautiful and still getting around, so there is much to be thankful for.

I've been reading TONS of books and magazines over these months. I should've made a list to share. I picked up this little cutie; it so fits me :-)

Spring has arrived!! I already see signs of plants returning after a brutal cold winter. It's always amazing how God does everything in His own time. There is a time and season for everything, and He's always right on time. "To everything turn, turn, turn........"

Peace & light.

God's Pallette

Hey there! It's been a little while. I cannot believe we are on our 11th day of October!!! Time truly does fly. Such a cliché phrase, yet so apparent.

We're having color changes here in Ohio; some trees are brilliant, yet some still hold onto their summer greens. I am fascinated each year at God's Pallette.

Peaceful, bright Westlawn Cemetery. Bliss.

Amazing!!!

Things going on in my life right now:

• Been on a few job interviews to no avail :-(. Trusting in God and practicing patience
• Praying on doubting myself. After each failed interview, a little piece of my 'worth' feels stripped away
• Praying strongly that my mortgage company can work w/me on keeping my house
• Praying strongly that we can find a soft place for my mother to land. Her house is being sold,  she has to be uprooted. This is such a tender matter for me. I'm more worried about her well-being than I am for myself. She is 81 years old, after all. I never imagined dealing with this and seeing the truly 'elderly' in mom. Makes my heart ache
• I haven't been able to get to stylist in months!!! Trying not to look like 'Grandma Moses'; Lol!!

"Changes"

Mini 'Burning Bush'

And that is about all I have going on. I'm 'living the dream'. :-)