Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

Update

Seriously? Day 24? Lol. Sometimes I don't know why I bother with these prompts. 😕

"Inspiring Movie": I loved this one. Eddie Murphy was 'bravo worthy' for sure. If you haven't seen it, don't sleep on it. It's purely worth it.

I got my photos submitted for the Arbor Day Photo Contest ("Tree-Mend-Us). I almost didn't make the deadline. The voting ceremony will be this Friday (27th) then the winners will be announced May 4th @ a ceremony at a very cool art gallery in our city's art district. I'll keep ya posted. Here are the submissions:

On the very cool end, I have a buyer for the black/white photo!! 😀 I never know what to charge for my pictures, but I think I've come up with a reasonable price. I have such a bad habit of under selling my talent/worth. If the buyer isn't happy with the price, that will be okay too.

On a not so cool end, mom's doctor has diagnosed her with "severe Alzheimers." 😩 We're in the process of obtaining guardianship. He said it'll get a lot worse as she'll begin to have angry outbursts. We have tons of information, options, etc., but I am SO heartbroken. He said she's rapidly declining & probably 'won't be with us much longer.' THAT was the heart-squeezer for me & I'm always on the brink of hot tears.

At a time like this, I stay in tight communication with God for strength & constantly reflect on the word "Impermanence" which was taught to me at a time when I was grieving for a friend.

The best we can do is spend as much time w/her as possible while we still have her.

Amen.

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Reading

As the upcoming Holiday season presses down on me, I can't tear myself away from this book.

I picked it up to get some insight with what's going on with mom and I'm getting insight out the ass!

I'm probably only into the fourth chapter and have more than 10 sticky-tabbed pages that I can relate to.

It's almost like we (sibs & I) wrote the book, yet I'm reading it for the first time.

Over the weekend, the promise I previously made to myself to celebrate this Season like a child is quickly diminishing. I don't know if my sadness or bewilderment is because of the book or not. Recognizing so many changes in mom makes me torn. I'm sad @ what's happening to her, pissed at her sometimes CRUEL words and heartbroken watching her try to hang on to what used to be her normalcy.

Yet, with each page I turn to, there 'our situation' is, staring me right in my face.

I'm glad to have found a book written so true, raw and real. I love the way the author is so honest with her feelings.

While preparing Christmas cards, I left mom out. This is something I NEVER would have done, but she doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in..... well.... nothing. Nothing more than having someone drive her all over the city with no intentional destination. Mom was never one to stay at home. When she was still lucid and able to drive, she would take long rides, daily.

She said it got her out of the house. We called it running away from herself. She's never been one to love herself, nor her own company. Hopping behind the wheel was the way she didn't have to deal with her own demons, whatever they may be.

But now, her outings are at our command and limited to friends who take her bowling and our trips to grocery/doctor appts. She's adamant about having a newspaper daily only for us to discover she doesn't read them. I don't think she still does her Bible study either, even though if you ask her, her first quick answer will be YES! I read everything I get my hands on.

Not true. So I knew she would have no appreciation for my photo card I created. Just like she wasn't interested in the "I'm Thankful For You Because...." Thanksgiving card. 😑 She glanced at it, put it down & left it next to her plate at my sister's Thanksgiving dinner.

So...it's either all of that. Or either I need more stamps to finish off mailing my cards; there's no place for the Christmas tree; I'm basically broke or...........

There are no "sides"

I am the daughter

Remember how your parents always were in charge of your lives until you grew up and moved on?

What happens when the roles are forced to change?

Your are the mother

And what happens when the role reversal is met with sheer, intense resistance? When the mother will never admit there are things she can't or doesn't remember? Is it her fear of losing independence? What about when you have 7 siblings who the mother calls "those other people" because they, too, have expressed concern?

Role reversal can be scary

It's time to lay down the role of 'best friend, encourager, cheer-er upper, running buddy" and be honest. When I expressed my own concerns, they were met with disdain. "You've been talking to "them!" "I need you to have you OWN opinion!" "I need someone I can depend on to support me "against them!"

Sigh... there are no "thems", there are only "us." ALL of us. I shared that all concern came from nothing but love.

There are no sides.

Advent Day 19/Happy Birthday

“It’s [old age] not a surprise, we knew it was coming – make the most of it. So you may not be as fast on your feet, and the image in your mirror may be a little disappointing, but if you are still functioning and not in pain, gratitude should be the name of the game.”
― Betty White, If You Ask Me

My mama turned 80 years old today. She's as gorgeous as ever. She has good health, she has up and down days like all of us. She lives alone, she drives a Jeep, she bowls 3 times a week. still hits the gym & in an "ah-ha" moment, got all of her hair cut off into a sexy super short cut. When we talked on the phone (for 2 hours) last night, she told me she has decided to embrace her beauty. This is something that she NEVER thought she possessed. On this 19th day of Advent, I am grateful, thankful, and SO blessed to still have her in my life.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

Picture: Internet

Sunday

One way to make sure you slow down is to take the time to help an elderly parent/relative. At the height of my supreme coffee buzz while I flew from one task to the other, mom needed help going to the grocery. This is no problem whatsoever, but I knew it would require me to get my 'coffee rush' under control.

At first the irritation of slow motion pissed me off! Lol! (the coffee wasn't cooperating). Then when I watched mom, I felt bad; she confused easily & was truly struggling with her knee. Suddenly, my heart felt warm and I was more than happy to be her eyes, her ears, her feet, her knees. I took on her small list with a vengence. I wanted to take care of her & ensure her safety.

When she dropped me off back @ home, she assured me she was okay with getting the bags out of the jeep. I told her to make sure her garage door was closed first.

Our roles have reversed. I vow to never be 'too busy' when she reaches out.

Picture: me
The Sunday Community

1 Timothy 5:4 ~
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.

Happy Friday, all!! Today, I give you a peek of our Ms. Tuesday Boo-Girl Angel watching her favorite show, "The Back Yardigins." Her intense focus steals my heart. But when she does a little jig & smiles when the music moves her. I pass out from love. Honestly. :-) Take a second to watch & give you day a little happiness, courtesy of Tuesday!

Video: Tuesday's parents

Thankful Thursday

Good Thankful Thursday, everyone! Thanks for dropping by :-) Things that give me thanks today:

• The crock pot! Tis the season!
• My car that gets me where I need to be. I know this is something we may take for granted, but believe me, I've had enough car problems in the past to be thankful
• The walk in the woods @ lunch yesterday
• The beautiful lake I came upon in the middle of the woods (pictured)
• The gazillion sweaters I have for Fall/Winter. I have a sweater fetish
• "D" serving me dinner & us eating together (this is rare)
• Being a friend for a friend, who is losing a friend :-(
• "Thursday Lunch" w/mom. This enhances Thankful Thursday :-)
• Being blessed w/still having mom on earth with us, while I know so many missing their mamas :-(
• Finding new blogs & connecting w/people online. It always reminds me that no matter our race, culture, religion, etc., we truly are all alike. And that's a good thing :-)

That's all I have for this Thursday. Come back again; you're always welcomed.


Pictures by me: :-)
(I like making little arrangements out of what I find on the ground. Just pick up some stuff & throw it together - you'll be surprised.)

Golden Wisdom

s

Mom gave this sweet little gem. Tied closed with a silky gold ribbon. Another thing she & I have in common is not only do we love inspirational books, but we adore "little" books. Between she and I, I'm sure we have enough inspirationals to inspire a small country! (LOL!) We can't help it; they make 'em so dang cute that you cannot resist.

She said the images inside reminded her of my photos (as you can see from her note inside the book). I love it. I held it close to me.

Then I held her close to me.

Then before bed, I read it twice.

The inspirations are so simple and logical that I could almost hear her voice saying them to me.

Thanks, mom. I love you. Always.



Pictures by: me :-}

Clean Slate

Happy Belated New Year Everybody! :-) Prosperity, dreams, wishes, hope, peace & love to all! I feel very excited for what's to come.

I got my book, Still With Me, today in the mail from the give away @ the White Readers Meet Black Authors. Beyond excited - can't wait to start it! The authoress autographed it to me & sent along a separate note! I had almost forgotten I won, so it was a nice ending to the day. She also gave me her email address & invited me to FaceBook her. So cool!

I'm listening to the book Let's Take The Long Way Home on CD. I love reading my books, but I don't give myself time like I should. On CD, I can get through the book while driving to & from work. It's such a relaxing alternative to the usual radio crap & my CD's I've listened to thousands of times. When writers turn their books to CD, they should make sure the reader has what it take to keep the listener interested. One popular book I tried was read by the author, but it was very mundane. No voice inflection.

Both books deal with illness, friendship, loss, love, mothers/daughters. Hitting so close to home right now. 'Long Way' is such a touching memoir. Both the authoress & her deceased friend (subject of the book) have other books out there that I plan to add to my 'to-read' list. Between the books & my friend, Cassie, moving along in her journey, I am humbled, thankful & slapped in the face by perspective 24/7.

Lastly, on New Year's Day, it soared to a high of 55-60 degrees! Welcome to Ohio. I dropped everything on the spot, & took a walk.

Cleary, the willows were confused. they're now covered in 3" of snow...

The park's ice rink was definitely 'red-lighted' (thin ice)

A soft spot in the woods...

I used to climb all over & play on this wall when I was a kid. I love how worn it is...

Finally, I came upon the spot that kept me glued in tracks.

Reflections that reminded me of this excellent post about "adventure" from Own Your Own Beauty. Let's "go out and see what it is in life that might bring us joy."

Bring it on in 2011! :-)

Pictures by: ;-)

With kid gloves...

Having an autistic son is the only type of child I know about raising.

Everyday I wake, I am thankful that God gave him to me - perfectly created.

In the beginning of his life & diagnosis, I tried to mold him to be a normal child.

When my stupidity melted away, so did my self-imposed burden.

You see, this child had a few things to teach me.

He taught me

• patience
• acceptance
• wonderment
• how not to sweat the small stuff
• how to greet each day as if it was a second chance at living
• to wake from sleep with excitement of what the day could hold
• to take pleasure in the smallest of things
• to be content with you have
• not to want what you really don't need
• to be thankful for everything
• to not worry about anything
• to know that whatever you need, God will provide it
• to treat people w/the kindness, even though it will not always be returned
• to always smile
• & to let your happiness shine out to the world through your eyes.

Him coming into my life was the best treatment for whatever ailed me. And after taking lessons from him, I found that nothing really 'ailed' me after all.

Amen.








Sunday Scribbling prompt: "treatment"

As an ode to my previous love list I posted last month, I had random thoughts last nite & wanted to add in these film jewels.

My mother turned me on the old goodies when I was not yet a teenager. She grew up adoring the 'old hollywood' (back when it had class; not this shit they have out there now). I knew Angela Lansbury, Rita Hayward, Jose Ferrer & his wife, Rosemary Clooney, Liz & Dick; oh! - the list was endless. This lasted well into my teenage years. Mom would tell me early in the day that something was coming on that night & it was our unspoken date. When the time would come, we would usually go to her room while she would tell me each movie star's name, their bio, etc. I loved that time! I didn't know any chick my age that was getting this type of lesson.

So in tribute to Mom, here are our favorite movies from back in the day. Just typing this list makes me smile. I told mom I was doing this & each movie I read off made her swoon! (LOL!) We're silly romantics at heart.

• Splendor in the Grass (Natalie Wood/Warren Beatty)
• Love w/the Proper Stranger (Natalie Wood/Steve McQueen)
  
• Back Street (Rita Hayward)
• Love Is a Many Splendored Thing (William Holden/Jennifer Holiday)
• A Summer Place (Troy Donohue/Sandra Dee)
• Peyton Place (Lana Turner)
• Susan Slade (Troy Donohue/Connie Stevens)
• Sayonara (Marlon Brando)
• Magnificent Obsession (Jane Wyman/Rock Hudson)
• Play Misty For Me (Clint Eastwood)
  
• Imitation of Life (Lana Turner)**
• Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?**
• Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte**
• Valley of the Dolls**

**Note: these are not romance movies, but ones we still watched together. We still today quote different lines from 'em during our silly moments! The 'campy' Valley of the Dolls is still my fave. When mom told me that Sharon Tate had died & how she died, I was unhinged. I couldn't imagine such a thing. It bothered me for a long time, almost to the point of obsession. I read everything I could get my hands on about crazy-assed Manson & 'family.' Remember, I was probably 12/13 in the mid-late 70's.

I also have to laugh @ how proper times were back then. I remember in V.of the Dolls, they bleeped out the word "hell." All those years I wondered what they blocked until I finally saw the 'uncut' version. (Ha!) I guess the stars of old would roll over if they could hear the words on TV today.... :-0!!!

The first gift...

I'm surprised @ how I'm really mind-screwing my 29 days of giving challenge. Suddenly, I'm conscious of looking at everything I do - am I giving? Is this a gift? This is really not the time for me to analyze something so simple.

I won't mention what I do each day in the way of giving here (@ the site I will though - they encourage it), but to kick it off, I'll say that spending 1/2 the day w/mom today was my gift to her. She enjoys uninterrupted time w/me, so any time I can give her is a gift. I enjoy it as much as she does. When she lights up & we laugh & giggle for hours & talk non-stop about any random thing, it's a gift to me as well.