Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

Hello, Ms. New Year

Photo by: Me

Happy New Year to all out there!! They say the new year is the start to a clean slate, but truly - everyday is a clean slate if you think about it.

I haven't for the past couple of years made any resolutions. I just do whatever it is I'm going to do. Besides, I suck @ staying true when I 'resolve.'

However, here are some things that would nice if they would/could happen:

• We find a solution of what to do with mom as her dementia increases
• Mom will allow us to act on her behalf in her best interests
• I will continue to be able to stay in my home. With things shifting, sometime I get just a tad antsy but have to remember God telling me to "be still and know..."
• Carve out serious practice time for the guitar instead of letting it go so long that I have to keep repeating lesson #1
• I can make some type of road trips (or a flight would be even better) to take some new, fresh pictures
• Someone would look @ my FB Photo Bus. page and think, 'OH MY GEEZ, I JUST HAVE TO OWN AN ORIGINAL 😀
• I can get asked to shoot more weddings/parties and charge what I'm worth
• Perhaps at the prompting of Sister #2, create that Photo Book of my pix
• Hoping my creative spark returns. Everything I've touched lately turns out like shit in my eyes
• I can be more real and honest with myself
• I will make time to write here @ least once a week
• I will make time to plop my behind down onto the mat and do yoga again. I know some aches and pains I have sometime can be cured with a solid routine
• Find time to give more attention to my dogs. It's a lot of work taking care of two on your own when it was SUPPOSED to be a joint-project
• Stop spending so much time alone and forge real friendships. Introversy be damned
• May I stretch myself to grow in all ways positive and trust the process

Life is such a beautiful, crazy, mysterious, scary thing.

Photo by: me "Reflections of..."

Running on Empty

I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.

This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.

When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.

Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Getting to know 'Mat"

After reading way too much about it & not doing anything about it, I finally decided to get to know "Mat."

She's nice. Comfortable. Long & squishy.

While she's beautiful to look at, she supports my efforts and encourages me to keep going.

I love being with her in the morning and evening.

Moving into beginner positions, trying to not breathe like a wild dog in heat. 😬

I want this to become of my daily routine. Pushing muscles that I haven't used in years.

I'm much more motivated to do this at home as opposed to signing up for a class. Plus, I can't afford a class right.

And, I really like Adrienne as an instructor. She's pretty cool.

My Photo

My Photo

Namaste.

Just a few

Loved it!!

I never wanted to return this book to the library.

Strength, Courage and Wisdom

Even though I probably have enough spiritual reading books to start my own book store, I still adored this one. Mrs. Meyers is so kick ass.

And even though I thought this one would sappy/happy, it really is a good story of faith. Do things like these actually happen?

Let me bring you up to date....

"WHERE HAVE YOU  BEEN?" is the questions I usually get from family when I 'go under.'

And you know you've been wondering, too. Don't lie to me.. Hhhaaa!!

(Go Under: when one has finally had enough of everything on her plate and chooses to go silent into ones own head; contacts no one, talks to no one & basically fills time doing photography, or making their 100th mixed media collage, and/or reading 2-3 books at one time, and always meditating on ones relationship with God (or whatever one chooses to call their higher power)

Pretty much nothing changed life-wise until I finally.... found a job. This is THEE job I thought I had been waiting three years to get. Small law-firm, even though I had no desire to go back to 'law', it was the only profession I had worked nearly all of my adult life.

About 1 month into this new venture, I realized... I had no clue what I was doing. It was hard trying to absorb the chaotic world of 'family law.' You know - the laws that had to made to curtail the behavior of lives falling apart. Divorce, dissolution, child custody, GALs (guardian ad litems for the interest of the children of the lives falling apart), jealousy, flat out hate, abuse, stalking....Damn!

I'll spare you the remainder of the train wreck, but after a short four month stint, they let me go.

Don't cry for me, Argentina; I was relieved to be let go. Yes, I felt such a release at not having to deal with that part of folks' lives and all the horrendous paperwork and meticulous steps that come along with it all. I found I would show up in a great mood and by the end of the day, I was emotionally worn out.

Short story shorter, I'm back to what Joyce Meyer calls "The Silent Years." This the time when: you are alone w/you dreams for the future, and it seems as if nothing at all is happening. You are just waiting and trying not to give up! It may even seem that what is happening to you is leading you in an opposite direction than what you had imagined. This is the season when God prepares to use you in greater and greater ways.

.... and I'm good with that.

High Anxieties

Having a bit (well, actually a shit load) of anxiety at everything going on right now. I'm finding it very hard to keep my mind still. I had all these things I was going to list, but thought that would be a buzz-kill, so I'll just hold it in (not good).

I will give thanks for another day and all that comes with because as we were taught, 'someone is having a rougher go at it than I am.'

I'm thankful that my resume was noticed @ CareerBuilder.com, even though the job turned out to be in another City. (Scream). At least it's "out there", huh?

I'm thankful for the load of golden leaves about 2 feet deep on my patio. I know everyone rushes to rake, but I like 'walking through the golden."

Otherwise, I'll keep trying to hang in there.

Seagulls @ the park

The August Break/Day 7

Day Seven word prompt: "Today is..."

So far, today is peaceful @ the lake. One of my most favorite early morning spots on earth.

The August Break 2014

Testing, testing...

James 1:2-3 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

Well, friends, time to share. Last Friday 3/22/13 @ 3:25 p.m., I was let go from my job of 11 years. If you've read here before, you know I've mentioned that my workplace was going down, so I somewhat wasn't surprised. Even when I was told "this isn't working out," I wasn't surprised.

Over the weekend, it felt very surreal, especially on Sunday night when I had nothing to prepare for. I filed an unemployment claim online (wow - times have changed since my last firing, Lol). I am prayerful, but I know if any decision is left to my ex-employer, he will deny any attempts. They barely wanted to give employees money (no raises in 7 years), let alone someone who no longer works there.

Prayers, inhaling, then exhaling.

So in these few days, I've done nothing. And I mean nothing. My feelings at first were: failure, what am I really meant to do, etc. Everyone says take time, rest, create, be productive, however, I still feel a heavy weight. My aura is dull. Thinking of finances overwhelms me right now.

I'm still getting  up each morning as 6:00 a.m. to make sure son is out the door & to take my dogs out, so there's no sleeping in. Once I hit the coffee pot & get online, I'm awake. There are plenty of things I could do around the house, but cleaning just isn't in me right now. I feel very tired. Last night, I shut off all things electronic, laid 'cross my bed in total silence & read 3 magazines, cover to cover.

I look at my mess of a desk with all it's inks, stamps, cards, etc., & can't find the groove to create anything right now. A friend suggested that it being springtime, that I hit up all the local nurseries as my love for people & all things flowers would be good for me. At first I got super-excited at the thought, then my mind wandered back to finances.

I truly do not want to go back to the office setting; especially law firms. I've been the office worker for 20+ years. So much attitude, arrogance, pettiness, gossip, mean-ness, blaming; I just want out of all that. Being a Walmart greeter or a cashier @ a grocery story sounds pretty good about now.

I don't know where this new road will take me, but for right now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. I haven't done anything more than wash my face, brush my teeth, shower & that's it. My hair is wondering what the heck am I gonna do with it. (Lol) I haven't touch it in days aside from running my fingers through it. I just have no energy. I think perhaps still a little numb.

Peace, be still.

Still Kickin'

"Growth"

Seems I feel off the planet, eh? Lol. I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. My mind has been a jumbled mess of rush, rush, rush w/my son's basketball, and then I haven't been very inspired. We're in the "gray" period of weather where drear overrules some days. Not a lot of snow, yet very cold, even when the sun does grace us with its presence.

As you can see, I've changed the looks of this place. My "words" for 2013 are "change" and "grow", so I thought I'd start with the easiest thing to do. I like how it looks less cluttered. I have enough clutter in my life, so at least this spot will look nice, clean & organized.

Nothing exciting or new has occurred so far in these 2 weeks into the New Year. It seems my employer is still sinking toward bottom, so I've been doing the resume thing. A good friend offered to "tweak" it a bit - to bring me into the current century. Lol. Or, in her words: "Tracey - NOBODY says "typing" anymore. Nor do they say "wpm" (words per minute); that is so Stone Age. Uggghh... I feel like a relic.

But I'm still kickin'. Peace & light ;-)

Picture: tracey

Gobble, gobble

 Here are some scenes from last year's Thanksgiving @ my house. I only had 2 guests - my mom & her gentleman caller. Even though it was small, my nerves were all over the place. I wanted everything to be just nice.

About an hour into it, I was ready for it to be over. My mother wasn't in the best of moods, she ate enough food to MAYBE fill a mouse, then pushed it around her plate.

 She kept her coat on (she said it was cold in the house) and... let's just say.... well, no let's not say. Lol.

I have come to the conclusion that this year, I will celebrate alone. I'm dropping out of the rat race & won't feel an ounce of guilt about it. "D" has to work from 9-4, Son will eat about 3 or so, and I... well I never actually sit down to eat anyway so it doesn't matter.

And that will be the same for anything else that comes up that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Guilt free.

"Stress is not something that gets to us because of what happens to us, it is what happens to us because we let something get to us."

Pictures: me

Randoms & Sunrises

"Backyard sunrise"

"Being a passenger"

Sunrise in motion

I was a passenger this morning so I had a chance to shoot a couple of sunrise shots out the window. It was magnificent.

Son will be 25 on the 5th of next month. We have been having 'adult' issues with him re: s-e-x. I often have to remind myself, even though he is autistic, he IS a grown young man, so it's been a rather delicate thing to handle. I knew the day would come & I hope I'm guiding him in the right direction. This is usually a father/son
issue, but as I am both, I did my best. Lol. Sigh...

I have 4-1/2 days of vacation I need to take before my 11th year anniversary on the 29th, so next week, I will work 1/2 a day, then be off the rest of the week. I am looking forward to it. I am hoping to organize myself photo-wise, craft-wise, reading wise, slowly break down the yard/patio/porch for the winter & spend some time with mom.

But mostly I'm hoping to relax, slow down & bask in the glow of not having any place to be. :-)

"It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be."
--Eileen Caddy

Pictures: me 

We had a very foggy morning yesterday. I took advantage of noticing "God's jewels" spread in the bushes. I walk past this bush every morning coming into the office, yet on this day, it was magical. Does this not give you a whole new respect for spiders & their amazing art? Hats off to you, Mr. & Mrs. Spiders :-)

"Morning is the best of all times in the garden. The sun is not yet hot. Sweet vapors rise from the earth. Night dew clings to the soil and makes plants glisten. Birds call to one another. Bees are already at work." ~ William Longgood
 

I love coming out onto the porch or patio in the early morning (before 6 a.m.) and soaking in the quiet. It's when I quiet my mind, listen, then take each moment at a time.

It truly does give my day a peaceful start.

~Namaste :-)

Pictures from my yard by me: royal blue bell, & Gabriel's trumpet, or "moon plant." When the trumpet opened, Mr. Bee was already inside. I believe he just may have spent the night in there. :-)

Wilted...

Let it go...

 Saying hello from the scorching Big OH. The temp. is 100, yet feels like 106. It has never been this hot in HOF (Hall of Fame) town, ever. I would go on and on, but why bother. We all know what it's like to be hot. Lol.

I treated myself to some bubbles @ the Dollar Tree today. So damn hot, it was all I could do to blow a couple, then I was done. Even though I was in the shade. Whew!

"D" got promoted this past week. Big congrats to him. He wants to shine. He is a good manager, yet so military. The Army will always be in him. Even all the way down to his clothes. I'll just say starch is a constant must in the house. His clothes could stand in the corner on their own. Lol.

Treat yourself...

I got 3 books from Amazon for $12 & that was only for shipping! The books literally cost $.01. I truly need a wall of built in book shelves. "Letters to My Daughter", "The Welcome Table", & "Dori Sanders Country Cooking". Firstly, I love Maya Angelou's words so her words of wisdom to the daughter she never had, yet we are all her daughters, is amazing. With both writers; I like hearing stories behind their recipes. D. Sanders wrote 2 other books (Clover & Her Own Place) & works the family roadside peach stand. How cool IS that? She completely rocks.

Touch the water

I happened upon this little lake in the middle of walking trails near work. I couldn't believe how green/blue the water was. Picnic tables were around, but I didn't feel comfortable so isolated so deep in the woods alone. Plus it was hot.

Blessings & cool temps to you.

Search

In my days of feeling confused

Frightened

Unsure

Lost

Insecure

and uncertain

I search for beauty to bring me peace.


Pictures by; me (St. Joseph's Catholic Church)
Sunday Scribbling post: "Search"