Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Your "Word" for 2017

I'm proud of myself for completing thus far 29 photo prompts of December Reflections. The only 2 I missed were days 24 and 25 and I don't believe in going back in this case. I enjoy these because it makes my brain connect a picture to the prompts. It wasn't difficult since I shoot about a gazillion pictures making it easy to go back & connect one with the other.

I will not participate in the last day. I mean I will, but it won't be "MY" word. I've decided not to have a word for the upcoming year. There are already plenty of words out there; I don't need to put another pain in my ass for feeling like failure when I don't 'live up' to the word.' I have enough on my mind.

For instance, the word below was my 2016 word. Yes, I came out strong creating a bold, kick-ass banner that screamed as much. However, I realized in the last few hours of the old year that I haven't done one damn thing that equates 'brave.'

My "2016 unused word" (Photo by Me)

If you want to call walking out on a stressful new job after a 3 year dry period 'brave', then you can count that. I didn't feel brave at all. I felt like I was leaving before the door hit me in the ass, so to speak. It's less painful when you 'fire' yourself than to hear it coming from your boss. Lol!!

My ever-wise friend, Se'lah, gave me this bit of knowledge tonight:

"If something doesn't personally make a difference in your life, there is no need to embrace it." 

My Photo

What? I don't?? Her saying that was SO freeing!!! Why the hell couldn't I have figured that out myself? I need to surround myself more folks spitting wisdom. Now I need to dig into myself to see what other shit is holding me hostage and why I feel married to shit that doesn't make me feel good.

Peace, light and DUH!!!! 😡

NaBloPoMo 3/23/2013

One day when browsing around, I came upon the "Suspended Coffees Program." How cool is it? You go into participating stores and donate to the cause; when folks come in that can't afford coffee, they turn in one of these cards & the store will give them a free coffee & a bagel or danish.

When I read about it, I had to know more. I Googled it and sure enough, a very small coffee shop downtown participates. I donated & had a great conversation with "Tommy B" who ran the place while his daughter was out. He said he lived in Chicago but came here to help his daughter/grandkids. He's 100% Italian and wears a black fedora cocked to one side.

I didn't have my camera, but he told me to come back anytime to take pix. I was disappointed to learn our sorry-ass local 'newspaper' hadn't found this gem news worthy. How can you support the small businesses if you don't know they exist? Sigh...

Anywho, Tommy B treated me to once of the best Chai teas I've had in a while, and gave me cards to pass out. The cards aren't necessarily for those who are down; they make nice 'have a coffee on me' gifts. The key is being motivated enough to participate.

Summer Update, Part VI

Beautiful childhood friend, Lori!!!

"Frick 'n Frack", together again :-) (Excuse my look - it was the wine. Lol)

A childhood friend that I reconnected with on Facebook a few years ago showed up at my door. We literally had not seen each other since we were maybe 12/13. After talking on F.Book about what types of wine we like, she showed up about 2 days later, with no notice, with that exact bottle of wine! And what makes this visit so much more special, is that Lori is a breast cancer survivor!!! I followed her journey all the way to her wellness - she is now cancer free!!! So needless to say her journey from Florida to Ohio was all the more special. We are so blessed!!

Friday

"You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall, all you have to do is call and I'll be there, yeah, yeah,
you've got a friend." ~ James Taylor

Picture: me/my hosta garden @ sunset

Advent Day 23/Peace on Earth.

O come, desire of Nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind.
Bid thou our sad divisions cease
And be thyself our King of Peace.

As the days draw closer to the birth of our King, my anticipation quickens. Even though it isn't about the receiving, but the giving, I was able to completely shop for Son & "D" w/out the rush of the crowd, or spending a lot of money. I was able to get things I know they need & want. That gave me a certain amount of peace.

As this past year of oh, so much violence comes to a close, I pray for greater peace in the coming year. Peace in our towns, cities, states, countries and the world.

As we enter another year of life, I pray that we will all stay faithful, peaceful, kind to ourselves and our loved ones, reach out to others, cultivate our relationships that mean so much to us, and keep God in the forefront of our lives.

Our faith, our Father & His Son is all we have left to hang onto to get through each and everything.

We are blessed.

~ Namaste

Picture: me (part of the "lights in the park" display near my home)

Advent Day 17

She went to "Harrods" (Lol!)

Today's gratefulness comes in the form of being thankful for friendship.

My "Italiano Bella", Lisa D. who travels for the world for her job recently had business in London.

When we met up @ the guys' b-ball game, she told me she had something for me. Of course I bashed her (i.e., you didn't have to that, etc. Why do we say that when we know damn well we loves gifts? Lol)

She was bursting with excitement when she pulled out the Harrods bag. Now, I'm not a fancy girl in any way. I know nothing of labels or whose who/what's what, so when I went past the bag to get to the gift, she said DON'T YOU SEE THAT BAG? It's from HARROD'S, TRACEY; you know "THE" HARRODS. Well.... no I don't or didn't.

My bags usually carry the name of a local grocery or of some store that begins with the word "Dollar." Lol.

So, anywho, she gave me this absolutely beautiful teapot for one. I love everything about it. So 'girly' and so personal brewing my own personal cup. I feel much more elegant sipping tea from this rather than from my usual mug that says "Diva." (Lol!) I feel like I could sit down & have high tea w/the Queen & Kate Middleton.

I am grateful for my friends - those that are tangible, and my dear friends I have met here in cyberworld. As I always say, "I am blessed with your friendship." :-)

Pictures: me

Day 22/THEE Day of Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you guys in the blog cyber world :-) Everyday is a day of thanks and gratefulness. Today I am:

• Grateful for our non-traditional, quiet, peaceful Thanksgiving
• Gail @ Know Your Its; Sharon @ Chaos; Chris @ An Inch; Se'lah @ Necessary Room; Christina @ Soul Aperture; Amy @ Sharp Little Pencil; A. Jarrett @ Sweet Light; Marianne @ Busha Full of Grace; Brooke @ Urban Earth Mama; Sheena @ Sophistishe; Anyes @ Far Away/Sunshine; Shutter Sisters; Carry On Tuesday; Sunday Scribblings; Hooked on Houses & Andrea @ Superhero Journal
• I am grateful for the above blogs that have brought me laughter, sadness, acceptance, peace, comfort, 'hey - she's just like me' moments, friendships, sisterhoods, creativeness, inspirations, kindess & confidence over the last few years. I cherish each of these favorite blogs of mine for they always give me what I need exactly when I go to them
• I am grateful for the sense I had to make a wise moral choice today
• I am grateful that I realize that so many things do not define 'me', including my relationship
  I am grateful that I can hear the 'inner voice' inside me - when I take the time to listen to it
• I am grateful for the technology that allows us to touch each other from afar, sight unseen
• I am grateful that I can feel God working in me, to be the person he created me to be

Amen and amen.

Picture: me

Thanksgiving daily

A dear friend, Sharon @ Chaos Ranch introduced a great idea for giving a day of thanks for the entire month of November. I have pledged to follow suit & have been posting in her comment section. I'll share them here, then post @ her place as I try to recognize my daily blessings:

Day One:

Classic Ohio - near my office

Grateful for:
Even though 1 of our 2 cars died, I still have transportation
Even though things @ the law firm don’t seem solid, I still have a job
Warm clothing, since the temperatures are holding steady in the 40′s
The joy I get from getting into the quiet & doing Bible study
My family (even though we haven’t been together in ages)
The time I give myself to sit down & hand make cards. So therapeutic
The joy I get when the recipients of those cards let me know how right on time the cards are
Good books that touch my soul. Most recently, “The Healing” by Johnathan ODell
Books by “T. Davis Bunn”; I finished “The Quilt” and am starting on “The Messenger”
Grateful EVERYDAY that my dear friend, Cassie, who is terminally ill, was able to walk her THIRD Lymphoma Cancer walk. She is my daily inspiration.

I want to turn the clock back to when people lived in small villages 

 and took care of each other. ~Pete Seeger

Some years ago, I noticed after I lived on this tiny street that it was odd that all the houses had huge trellised rose bushes. Now this was some 15 years ago and folks have done their own thing, like tearing the rose bushes out. By the time I arrived, there was no bush at my house, but I was bestowed with generates of extremely hearty Morning Glories.

But I thought what a time of friendship that must've been.

What is a friend? I'm picturing neighborly friends who: shared excesses of their veggie gardens; shared extra plant seeds; shared rose bush cuttings, shared morning glory seeds, shared fresh made bread; spent time on each others porches, cried together, laughed together, shared meals together, helped each other, loved each other as neighbors, and took care of each other.

What a time that must've been.

Picture: me (patio Hibiscus. My first. It thrives.)

Carry On Tuesday phrase prompt: 'what is a friend?'

"Do You....

 I don't usually get into religious or political things with folks. No religion talks because everyone has their own faith in their own higher power.

I don't talk politics because I am extremely politically incorrect. I don't know enough (or never paid attention enough) to know what was going on, so I steer clear.

... See

 A few days ago, a close friend, who considers himself Islam, sent me a couple of YouTube vids. of a Pastor who mentored him back in the day. The pastor was saying what lies the Bible tells, and the books of the Bible are all stories made up & translated. He said the "King James" version of the Bible was created by a man named James Stuart.

There was another video called "There is no Jesus & he's not coming Back." I didn't bother to watch that one because I couldn't get past the first video.

... what

 I told my friend that this was against everything I had ever learned in my life, and while it was interesting to give a listen, I couldn't agree with it because I know who my Lord & Savior are. The pastor that preaches this & has many videos out there, almost made it sound racially charged.

The things I heard stung me! As my thoughts lingered on them, I had to have some quiet meditation to refocus myself.

I...

...See?"

I KNOW God is my Father. He has gotten me through SO much, and I KNOW Jesus is in my heart and he died on the rugged cross for all of our sins. My faith sustains me; keeps me calm in the storm; God's arms comfort me when I need hugging, love & understanding.

When I was a child, about 9/10 yrs. & took the "big plunge" of asking Jesus to come into my heart forever, my most super favorite Bible School teacher taught me on my five fingers that Jesus said:
1) I
2) shall
3) never
4) leave
5) thee


He never has, and I'll be damned if I start to ever doubt Him.

I'll call this learning lesson: Different strokes for different folks (courtesy of Sly & the Family Stone) Lol.

Pictures taken by: me

Created by: God

Amen :-)

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.  ~Madeleine L'Engle

I am writing with thoughts of my dear Cassie. I've spoke of her here before - she's terminal with cancer, yet she is the strongest person I know. She has had so many setbacks with her health, yet she still shines through. Her faith in God is unwavering! She is now at another cross road  health wise and admits she battles huge bouts of fear, yet God keeps her steady. She is preparing to participate in another marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Please take a look at her donation page & hear a little of her story. And if you feel so inclined, please donate a little. It means so much to her, me and all the others battling and/or survived the nasty cancer. 

Peace, love & comfort to all of you. But especially to my Cassie. :-)

Picture by: me. I chose this picture to show no matter where you're planted, you can still always bloom. Just like Cass.

Little blessings

I'm gonna be a Grandma!!!! LOL

Okay... I have four ferns hanging on my porch; I noticed a little finch was pretty attached to one in particular. Even when we would sit on the porch, it would fly & hang in mid-air, not afraid of us at all. The other night got windy, so I took the plants down; the little thing flew around like madness looking for the fern. I'm wondering what the????

Then I found out - next morning when I went to re-hang the pots, this is what I found!!! How perfect is it? I immediately ran & got the cammy (... as you can see... DUH!)

I'm thrilled & now extra protective of the fern. I wonder, though; I had been watering & fertilizing heavily with MiracleGro - will the birds come out the size of eagles? LOL!

I'll keep ya posted on the progress of the arrival of my "Grandbirds." :-)

See ya next time!

49 Bye-Byes

While you guys weren't looking, I turned 49 last Saturday! Yay! - thankful & blessed for yet another year.

 I got the title of this post from a great song by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young on the "Four Way Street - Live" album. The words don't apply to me as it's a guy singing about letting his girl walk away with another man, but the title popped in my head & I thought 'why not?'

The birthday was the usual - very low key by my own choice I suppose. The routine going out to eat didn't excite me, nor did... well, anything. There was a jazz/blues fest downtown, but I wasn't familiar with the artists, plus it was so hot.

So, I chose to spend it my way. In the quiet & basically alone, which was just fine with me.

So in this new year of wisdom, I choose a few goals from my 2012 Life Handbook:

1.  Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while I walk, smile.
2.  Read more books than I did in 2011
3.  Sleep (nightly) for 7 hours
4.  Make peace w/my past so it doesn't spoil my present
5. Call and/or see family more often
6.  Forgive everyone for everything
7.  Create & keep in touch with friends
8.  Believe the best is yet to come
9.  When I awake alive each morning, thank God for it; and
10. My inner most is always happy. So... be happy!!!

Caution: Random Crossings

WHAT A GORGEOUS DAY it is today. After the heat & rain of yesterday, the temps have gone back down into high 70's, not a cloud in the sky & I can barely wait to get out of the office!

Over the weekend of June 8-10th, Son will be going to Adult Weekend Camp. We got the list in the mail of items he'll need to bring which translates into nearly everything you would need in life! He's so excited, and I'm excited for him to experience staying away from home for a couple of days & nights.

My sister &; her fiance threw a wonderful summer kick off cook-out @ their home over Memorial holiday; what will be their ongoing tradition. My mom has (or used to have) the "Hot Dog Extravaganza" every summer, my other sister has the "Ohio State/Michigan Party" every Fall, and now the Summer Kick-off. I don't have a theme for anything, but I do invite folks to my porch & patio. Nothing to write home about, but it' cozy.

 I think it sounds funny to say that I'm soon to be 49 years old. I can remember when I was 17, I used to look @ myself in the mirror & ask myself, 'wonder what will I look like when I'm 25, then 30. I don't know what I thought I would 'morph' into, but I'm pretty happy with myself. I still feel like a teenager inside even if the ole body tries to tell me differently.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up... :-)

I wish I had a "Busha" (Polish for Grandmother), or a grandmother, preferably one with some spunk.  We have an 89-year old client who goes dancing twice a week w/her boyfriend. She's always dressed to the hilt & exudes so much life & spark! She would be such a positive influence on me.

The on the other hand, I wish my neighbors were the gay couple of Modern Family. No offense to anyone, but men whom are gay are the most honest, upbeat, positive, 'live your best life' type of people. My mom always told me they're the best friend you could ever have & I believe it. They're comfortable w/themselves & not afraid to show it. I saw a couple @ the nursery truly GUSHING over the beauty of a Calla Lily. It made me smile.

And I think we'd be great neighbors. :-)

Thankful & blessed

Happy Sunday, all!

I haven't given any Thankful Thursdays lately, but I am truly thankful for so much!!

Here is our Sweet Baby Tuesday, girl!!! Hasn't she grown & changed so? She's up to 9 pounds now - what her dad weighed when he was born. I had better hurry & send her outfits, etc., before she outgrows. I am so thankful she's thriving, isn't she beautiful? :-)


My next HUGE thanks is to God for letting the amazing Cassie thrive in spite of her trials and tribulations with her health. She has pressed on so that she is now a Sitting Judge in Training (she doesn't like when I call her "judge" already). She's here with her very own Bailiff.

But how great is God, really? Cassie has been near death so many times, yet here she stands, proudly, in her judge's robe. Who would've thought she would've made it from the Caring Bridge Cancer Center to this very moment? To say I am proud of her is the understatement of the century.

Palms clasped in prayer of thanks.

"She"

There is one friend in the life of each of us who seems not a separate person, however dear and beloved, but an expansion, an interpretation, of one's self, the very meaning of one's soul. ~Edith Wharton

I have been trying to write here for several days, but kept not being able to stay motivated. For all of the thoughts running through my head, when I got here, I would draw blank.

Palms clasped in prayer for a dear friend who is preparing for a life-changing journey.

We are miles apart, yet standing right next to each other. We are holding hands, laughing and touching the water. She reads my thoughts before I even know what they are. I make her laugh, deep belly laughs. We share our secrets, our fears, our loves, our dreams. She has taught me how to live, laugh and love, and shown me the light when all I could see was dark.

She taught me how to open my heart and soul and look at myself with kindness. She taught me to step out into the open and share my words when I didn't think it was possible. She taught me that I truly am an artist, and while I still think that sounds crazy, I believe it's true.

She's shown me that reaching out to others' needs are really all that JAH asks of us, and that there is truly only One Love.

So, I take and hold of the hands of my beautiful friend, of whom my eyes has never seen in the physical, yet whose souls meet each day. And on the day that our eyes do meet, we will step right in beat with each other, because we've known each other all along.

She is love, and so very loved. :-)

Tiny messages

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer

It's always cool how just when I'm having a crazy moment, I'll find one of these little treasures made especially for me. I have them everywhere sprinkled around the house & my bedroom. Just when I'm about to scream out loud, I look over & see a tiny message (exhale);

When I'm spreading myself very thin, I might look around & my eye will catch what I need to do (balance);

And just when the world looks gray, mean, and lifeless, a little word will remind of the good things to find (joy).

These are only a fraction of the blessings that came from my 'encounter with another human being, whom I can always count on to rekindle my inner spirit'. One love, to Se'Lah & her Necessary Room.

Thank you, sistergirlfriend.

Picture by: me :0)

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, Safe, Prosperous New Year!! Let's all hold hands and go into New Year together, leaving all unhealthy, toxic, worry-some, nasty stuff behind, and let our lights shine bright!

As you can see, Son is all pleased with "Cenation" (WWE for those who don't know - like I didn't). Nothing keeps you grounded like having a 24 year young man who still believes in Santa and smiles accordingly. He'll smile like that all day, like he always does.

Loving my hand-made sun catcher from a co-worker's talented husband. It's pretty, rain or shine.

And don't you love the colors of this delicious, oh so soft, knitted scarf? My neck will be drenched in deliciousness :-)

"D" is working until 1:00 p.m., so I'd better get started on getting the ham on and trying my hand @ Chocolate Chip Cream Cheese Cookies from Just a Pinch. Such a great site for simple, down home recipes.

So many blessings & love today. I hope all of your homes are filled with the spirit & the reason for the season.

Peace, love & blessings. ~ me :-)