Running on Empty

I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.

This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.

When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.

Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

A new Sheriff in town....

This year is truly flying. Only one more month left in 2016.

Amazing.

After eight years, we now have a new Commander In Chief. Amazingly, it's Donald Trump.

Yes, that Donald Trump. The only one. Do you know anyone else by that name?

Now, I am NOT political in anyway, but I do have enough sense to perk up when the hairs on the back of my neck rise.

Regardless of whom you liked this election, I tended to lean toward the person who was NOT promoting division, hate, insults, potty-mouth, and out-right lack of caring for fellow human beings.

When the hate-spewing commercials first started rolling and Trump said "... and you tell them to go FUCK themselves....", I was completely mortified. NEVER in the history of my time have I heard anyone say that so blatantly in such an important matter as running our country.

I knew it was downhill from there.

But what really hurt me were the folks who all agreed with the words he chanted. And now here we are.

I'm not panicked because God is the first and the last. My life won't change any more than it changed when Obama was in the White House.

Folks who are hoping Trump fails have backward thinking because we'll ALL fail. I read something the other day that said "hoping Trump fails is like hoping the pilot crashes the plane that we're ALL ON!!!"

And on that note, carry on.

"Live!!!"

And my official word for the upcoming New Year is:

"LIVE"

¹live :verb \ˈliv\:to exhibit vigor, gusto, or enthusiasm

Maybe in some way, this can tie in with my bucket list at: http://bucketlist.org/list/traceykinohio/. :-)

Do you have a word that will be your mantra in 2014?

Sunday

D. James Kennedy, Christmas Stories for the Heart
The star of Bethlehem was a star of hope that led the wise men to the fulfillment of their expectations, the success of their expedition. Nothing in this world is more fundamental for success in life than hope, and this star pointed to our only source for true hope: Jesus Christ.

Picture: me
The Sunday Community

"Do You....

 I don't usually get into religious or political things with folks. No religion talks because everyone has their own faith in their own higher power.

I don't talk politics because I am extremely politically incorrect. I don't know enough (or never paid attention enough) to know what was going on, so I steer clear.

... See

 A few days ago, a close friend, who considers himself Islam, sent me a couple of YouTube vids. of a Pastor who mentored him back in the day. The pastor was saying what lies the Bible tells, and the books of the Bible are all stories made up & translated. He said the "King James" version of the Bible was created by a man named James Stuart.

There was another video called "There is no Jesus & he's not coming Back." I didn't bother to watch that one because I couldn't get past the first video.

... what

 I told my friend that this was against everything I had ever learned in my life, and while it was interesting to give a listen, I couldn't agree with it because I know who my Lord & Savior are. The pastor that preaches this & has many videos out there, almost made it sound racially charged.

The things I heard stung me! As my thoughts lingered on them, I had to have some quiet meditation to refocus myself.

I...

...See?"

I KNOW God is my Father. He has gotten me through SO much, and I KNOW Jesus is in my heart and he died on the rugged cross for all of our sins. My faith sustains me; keeps me calm in the storm; God's arms comfort me when I need hugging, love & understanding.

When I was a child, about 9/10 yrs. & took the "big plunge" of asking Jesus to come into my heart forever, my most super favorite Bible School teacher taught me on my five fingers that Jesus said:
1) I
2) shall
3) never
4) leave
5) thee


He never has, and I'll be damned if I start to ever doubt Him.

I'll call this learning lesson: Different strokes for different folks (courtesy of Sly & the Family Stone) Lol.

Pictures taken by: me

Created by: God

Amen :-)

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.  ~Madeleine L'Engle

I am writing with thoughts of my dear Cassie. I've spoke of her here before - she's terminal with cancer, yet she is the strongest person I know. She has had so many setbacks with her health, yet she still shines through. Her faith in God is unwavering! She is now at another cross road  health wise and admits she battles huge bouts of fear, yet God keeps her steady. She is preparing to participate in another marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Please take a look at her donation page & hear a little of her story. And if you feel so inclined, please donate a little. It means so much to her, me and all the others battling and/or survived the nasty cancer. 

Peace, love & comfort to all of you. But especially to my Cassie. :-)

Picture by: me. I chose this picture to show no matter where you're planted, you can still always bloom. Just like Cass.

Little blessings

I'm gonna be a Grandma!!!! LOL

Okay... I have four ferns hanging on my porch; I noticed a little finch was pretty attached to one in particular. Even when we would sit on the porch, it would fly & hang in mid-air, not afraid of us at all. The other night got windy, so I took the plants down; the little thing flew around like madness looking for the fern. I'm wondering what the????

Then I found out - next morning when I went to re-hang the pots, this is what I found!!! How perfect is it? I immediately ran & got the cammy (... as you can see... DUH!)

I'm thrilled & now extra protective of the fern. I wonder, though; I had been watering & fertilizing heavily with MiracleGro - will the birds come out the size of eagles? LOL!

I'll keep ya posted on the progress of the arrival of my "Grandbirds." :-)

See ya next time!

"Tuesday on a Wednesday"

"Every girl needs a lil' black dress..."

How about this hunk of burnin' love? Could you love her any more? I'm so crazy about her - I can't go into WalMart without buying her a thing or two... or three.... okay - or four! Lol. Little girl things are so pretty; with Son, it was just the basic boy stuff - but girls - there are so many sweet things. I've sent outfits (including the black dress), her 1st pair or slippers, sandals, headbands, a Pooh Bear. I eyed an Ohio State cheerleading outfit, but it's much too big for her.

For now... :-)

Everyone is making their journey out to L.A. to visit her.

Hopefully, Son & I can take that trip as well. In true "me" fashion, I'm already panicking about airlines fees, taking off work, when to go, etc., etc., etc. I don't know why I find it so hard to let go & live.

Exhale.

In the meanwhile, I'll continue to share our girl with ya.

Giving thanks

 Happy Easter, all! I happened upon an Easter Egg Hunt during my walk yesterday. Lucky, lucky me!

 Complete with "Mr. Bunny."

 This one is my favorite. Painted plastic egg.

However, I bow my head & clasp my hands in prayer of thanks to our Savior for dying & rising on this day for us. He lives eternally, especially in my heart. Happy Easter to you and your families. Enjoy the day! :-)

Honest

I have found that when folks say that they want honesty, that honesty is not what they're looking for at all.

I believe that sometimes they have versions of honesty that require hearing only what they want to hear.

I have found that when you hold honesty in for long, and it finally exposes itself, it strikes a nerve in those who doubt your honesty. Because you never exposed it.

So, speak only with honesty and truth at all times, so you'll never be doubted.

And that is the honest truth.

Pictures by: me

Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "honest"

Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))