Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

Running on Empty

I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.

This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.

When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.

Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

Love (NaBloPoMo (2/14/14)

I remember back in the day, this of valentine could have ecstatic or devastating results. Lol. Wishing you love not only today, but everyday.

Helpless (NaBloPoMo 02/14)

February 2, 2014: "Helpless"
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did you do about it?

I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that I was let from a job that I had at a church working with disabled men & women. I met all expectations of the job, however, they then wanted me to become a commercial van driver to transport clients.

As I suffer from anxiety, this was completely out of the question. I explained time & time again that I would not feel such taking on such task, yet my words fell on deaf ears. I was called in, given an excellent 90 review, but was released to 'for not having the ability to adapt.'

I never felt more helpless in my life. This is a job where it was constant instant gratification and love. I looked forward to going & drug me feet when time to leave. Anxiety is a real, paralyzing condition and for someone to look at me in such a way really hurt.

The only thing I could do was take it to God, accept it and realize that He has a different path for me. Trusting and believe.

Peace & light :-)

Poem

What if there was store
that had love for sale
it wouldn't charge a thing
it would just ask that you prevail

It would want you to love yourself
Deep down to your very soul
Heepings of self-love
served up in a huge bowl

It would require that you treasure your being
because you are wonderfully made
It wouldn't ask anything in return
except that you never let your dreams fade

So come on into this store that sells love
And pick what you like, sent from God above
For He is the greatest giver of them all
He wants you to shop there, because He will NEVER
...let you fall.

:-)

Sunday Scribblings word prompt: "poem"

Summer Update, Part III

After a few YEARS of talking about it, my mom FINALLY found her perfect company-keeper. She let me name him, so I chose "Max Roach", aka "Max." She had no idea who I was talking about. Lol.

He's a cutie & very much a wild thing. He loves her unconditionally. I hope he provides the company she's been looking for....

Sunday

He was delivered up for our trespasses and raised for our justification.  Romans 4:25

While visiting w/mom, my bro & sis-n-law, my mom asked would we have had the strength to stay on the cross. Especially when we would've had any chance to free ourselves at any moment. Jesus knew what his purpose was when he was born. What a mighty sacrifice of a Father to ask of his Son out of love for wretches like me.

Amazing Grace. :-)

The Sunday Community

Quiet Sign Friday

"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son."
- John 3:16

Quiet Sign Friday

Amen

Dear Lord of Mercy and Father of Comfort,

You are the One I turn to for help in moments of weakness and times of need. I ask you to be with your servant, Cassie, in this illness. Psalm 107:20 says that you send out your Word and heal. So then, please send your healing Word to her. In the name of Jesus, drive out all infirmity and sickness from her body. 

While I walked in the silent cold & snow this morning, my mind was stayed on this prayer.

Namaste.

Pictures: tracey

Meeting Again

Photo courtesy from "Yeah Write" blog

Why was traffic so heavy?
Everyone moving so slow
She squirmed in the driver's seat
She had someplace to go

An old friend from the past he is
An old love from school
Why did she agree to this?
Nervously grinning like a fool

He has a "Mrs."; she has an "other"
But the quickening in her heart
Could not be hidden under cover

They spoke and embraced
Time faded away
They couldn't believe after 20+ years
They were holding each other today

The story continues
Feelings can't be contained
For there is nothing to the joy
Of meeting again....


Carry On Tuesday phrase: the pain of parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again

Sunday

"When you saw only one set of  footprints, it was then that I carried you." ~ God

Wishing everyone wellness and peace in the upcoming new year. May your goals, dreams and wishes comes to fruition.

I read this today in "Jesus Calling" while doing my Bible study in my room. It surprises me how many things try to distract me during this time. From son busting in to ask goofy questions, to "D" doing the same. It truly irritates me when everyone knows what I'm doing. Anyway, this struck me and called me out! I don't usually like to write in my books, but I found this highlighter-worthy:

When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of My Love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from Me and attributing the distance between us to My displeasure. Instead of returning to Me and receiving My Love, you attempt to earn My approval by trying harder.  All the while, I am aching to hold you in My everlasting arms, to enfold you in My Love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come to Me.  Then ask for receptivity to My unfailing Love. 1 John 4:15-18, Deuteronomy 33:27; and Psalm 13:5.

This is me. When I know I've done things that I know don't please God, I hide. Just like Adam and Eve. my prayers are choppy and stunted, like a child admitting to his parents that he did, indeed, break the window, or any other repentance. Now any other time, I'm glad to know He's right by my side, but when I know He's giving me the side-eye, things just aren't right with my soul. But the most awesome thing is knowing He loves me, regardless. Such a comfort.

Here's to walking a much more true-er path in 2013.

The "Good" Flood

The flood of love that always radiates around my sister, Paulette's house on her Annual Ohio State vs. Michigan parties is enough to last for days.

"Family love"

Yesterday was the 5th Annual (YEAH, WAY TO GO, BUCKS!). There is lots of good food, side-cracking laughs, hugs, jazz, having 3 conversations at once, and a true sense of family.

The tradition is; you must wear OH State gear; you must put on your beads @ the door, even though never asked, you NEVER show up empty-handed, and finally, every time OHSt. scores, you must take a shot of tequllia. Lol! I have learned to skip that part of the party.


And, I'm usually never IN the pictures.

I prefer to watch the flood from behind the lens. :-)

Sunday Scribbling word promt: "flood"

Tuesday Girl

It just also occurred to me that I haven't shared our Tuesday Angel Boo Girl lately. She's a beautiful six (soon to seven) months now. She's sitting well, and from the looks of it, trying to crawl. This is my favorite video cause it shows how beautifully smart she is. Watch her & you'll see why.

I look forward to these lil' mini-videos of her. I watch them over & over again. I hope to meet her soon in person. Love her :-)

Love Thursday

I had fallen away from Love Thursday. I was doing it in simpatico with another blogger that I don't visit much anymore. I still stop by her place every now & then, but she's gotten "BIG" (i.e., TV, magazine interviews, etc.) That kinda stuff scares me off because I'm just a small dot on the planet. She gets so many comments that by the time I read, if I commented, I'd be #354 (Lol!). You cannot tell me someone reads THREE HUNDRED FIFTY-FOUR+ comments daily.

But I still loved the idea of sending out love one day a week, & will try to remember to do so every Thursday, so here goes.

If you have a second, PLEASE look at this "Love Story In 22 Pictures."

You may want to have a tissue, or if you're like me, you'll just let 'em flow down your face into your lap.

To me, it represents the strongest of love between 2 human beings.

Does anybody out there have a love that could withstand this?

Hoping, wishing & praying that you do :-)

Happy Love Thursday.

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.  ~Madeleine L'Engle

I am writing with thoughts of my dear Cassie. I've spoke of her here before - she's terminal with cancer, yet she is the strongest person I know. She has had so many setbacks with her health, yet she still shines through. Her faith in God is unwavering! She is now at another cross road  health wise and admits she battles huge bouts of fear, yet God keeps her steady. She is preparing to participate in another marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Please take a look at her donation page & hear a little of her story. And if you feel so inclined, please donate a little. It means so much to her, me and all the others battling and/or survived the nasty cancer. 

Peace, love & comfort to all of you. But especially to my Cassie. :-)

Picture by: me. I chose this picture to show no matter where you're planted, you can still always bloom. Just like Cass.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

A person's world is only as big as their heart ~ Tanya A. Moore

He loves me not ~ Tracey :-)

Pictures by: me :o)

Happy Friday, all!! Today, I give you a peek of our Ms. Tuesday Boo-Girl Angel watching her favorite show, "The Back Yardigins." Her intense focus steals my heart. But when she does a little jig & smiles when the music moves her. I pass out from love. Honestly. :-) Take a second to watch & give you day a little happiness, courtesy of Tuesday!

Video: Tuesday's parents

It just occurred to me that another year anniversary of Kickin' has come and gone... I think. I can't remember when I started, but I know it was around now. Three years ago? It will always amaze me that folks actually read this stuff, but I think it's more my pictures, which I love the most. I'm just a simple girl w/simple thoughts. So I give myself this stellar award for the effort of posting when I remember & have a thought, and to show my appreciation for anyone who stops by. Thanks, folks.

The self-appointed blog award. Isn't it nice?

Yummy, yummy Tuesday-girl :-)

And for this happy celebration, I give you Miss Tuesday @ 5 mos. loving home made baby food - this being spinach. Sweet potatoes are also all that. Isn't she growing by leaps & bounds? She's sitting @ the table in her new big girl chair. There is video of her eating in action; it's so sweet to watch her eat like a trucker. Lol. Major swoon-age. Such a hunk of chunky love.

Pictures: internet & personal

My joy

Tall, handsome & beautifully autistic

This is my son, James. He is my joy because:

• he sees the goodness in everything
• he sees the bright side of everything
• he is honest (painfully - LOL)
• he only wants to please
• he only wants to be part of the team
• he brings happiness to whoever is around him
• he has a child-like vision of the world
• Matthew 18:3: And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
• he is so going to heaven
• he is most polite
• he is most kind
• he is most gentle
• he is always forgiving
• he is always willing to help
• he is always most happy, and when he's not, you have to really dig to find out why
• he made me really grow up immediately at the age of 24 when he was born
• he changed my world view
• he changed my behavior
• he made me let go of any poor thoughts I had of his father, my ex-husband, even though he has no memory of who his father is
• he keeps me even keeled
• he's accepting, even though he may be dissappointed
• he encourages me to buy him things, only because he never asks for anything. But Skittles
•  he thinks every day is a beautiful day & says so every morning
• when I slip a curse word or 2 (or 12), he tells me "it's inappropriate"
• don't let this serious face fool you - he has a smile as big as the sun
• he is unconditional love

Thanks, God. :-)

Picture by: me

Tuesday on a Tuesday!!!

Monday's child is fair of face.
Tuesday's child is full of grace....

Here's my "dumplin' boo angel' again!!! LOL! She's four months now (time is flying).  As you can see, she's becoming quite the 'chunker' which makes her all the more sweet. Love me some fat babies!!! :-) Nothing brightens my day more than Ms. Tuesday Imani. She's such an angel. So full of grace... :-)