Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 

Your "Word" for 2017

I'm proud of myself for completing thus far 29 photo prompts of December Reflections. The only 2 I missed were days 24 and 25 and I don't believe in going back in this case. I enjoy these because it makes my brain connect a picture to the prompts. It wasn't difficult since I shoot about a gazillion pictures making it easy to go back & connect one with the other.

I will not participate in the last day. I mean I will, but it won't be "MY" word. I've decided not to have a word for the upcoming year. There are already plenty of words out there; I don't need to put another pain in my ass for feeling like failure when I don't 'live up' to the word.' I have enough on my mind.

For instance, the word below was my 2016 word. Yes, I came out strong creating a bold, kick-ass banner that screamed as much. However, I realized in the last few hours of the old year that I haven't done one damn thing that equates 'brave.'

My "2016 unused word" (Photo by Me)

If you want to call walking out on a stressful new job after a 3 year dry period 'brave', then you can count that. I didn't feel brave at all. I felt like I was leaving before the door hit me in the ass, so to speak. It's less painful when you 'fire' yourself than to hear it coming from your boss. Lol!!

My ever-wise friend, Se'lah, gave me this bit of knowledge tonight:

"If something doesn't personally make a difference in your life, there is no need to embrace it." 

My Photo

What? I don't?? Her saying that was SO freeing!!! Why the hell couldn't I have figured that out myself? I need to surround myself more folks spitting wisdom. Now I need to dig into myself to see what other shit is holding me hostage and why I feel married to shit that doesn't make me feel good.

Peace, light and DUH!!!! 😡

High Anxieties

Having a bit (well, actually a shit load) of anxiety at everything going on right now. I'm finding it very hard to keep my mind still. I had all these things I was going to list, but thought that would be a buzz-kill, so I'll just hold it in (not good).

I will give thanks for another day and all that comes with because as we were taught, 'someone is having a rougher go at it than I am.'

I'm thankful that my resume was noticed @ CareerBuilder.com, even though the job turned out to be in another City. (Scream). At least it's "out there", huh?

I'm thankful for the load of golden leaves about 2 feet deep on my patio. I know everyone rushes to rake, but I like 'walking through the golden."

Otherwise, I'll keep trying to hang in there.

Seagulls @ the park

Wants vs. Needs

With time, Life becomes more about your needs instead of your wants...

I took it upon myself to buy son a small flat screen for his room this Christmas. As I have mentioned before, son is autistic and his view of the world is very, very, different from ours. We should be so fortunate.

First off, he didn't know what it was! Yes, in the world of the fastest, best, easiest electronics, son is completely unaware. He was never interested in video games, nor cell phones or anything but the basics. When it came time to check out the new TV, he said 'but I already HAVE a TV.' I thought with him being a 26 year old guy, he would want to update his room just a wee bit, but again, I was wrong.

I tried pointing out how the TV has a built-in DVD player, etc., etc., etc., only to have him ask me, 'does it have a remote?' As I made over all the features, I could see his face lose interest. Bottom line: he's happy with what he has & doesn't see the need for anything newer, flatter, 'better.'

Is this another lesson? I found that it is. How much of our wants do we mistake for need? He doesn't NEED a new TV, yet he also doesn't WANT a new TV. Prior to Christmas, I've been aching for an iPad. Why? I have a full scale PC that I'm using right now. Suddenly, my want for the newest, thinnest, fastest contraption, waned. Do I NEED that? Certainly not; do I WANT that? No so much anymore.

This lesson from son has been on my mind since Christmas day. The new TV still sits under the tree, totally untouched; the receipt on my dresser. I'm not sure where it belongs now.

"Happily ever ... "

 My nephew's wedding went off without a hitch! I was so proud to be asked and so proud to be trusted with such precious memories. Between double shooting with Sony & Canon, I came up with 500 pix. I would say 250+ that I'll use because I like to take burst of three of each shot. This was/is my gift to the young, military couple.

It felt funny to be called "the photographer." Lol. "Oh! the 'photographer' is here, they'd say. I'm glad at the last minute, I decided to use my 20+ year old photo bag to carry all my crap. I felt professional.

 I was shaking with nerves all morning the day of the wedding. Probably because I was the 'main' photographer; no one else. Once I got started, I fell into my zone.

Love this instead of the boring traditional, corney, man/woman cake topper

Sweet details

I'm now in the process of processing & getting the photos ready to send off to the couple. I HATE being this late, but what can I say; I want to make sure each photo is great. I sending off in a couple of wedding albums (hoping not to offend w/my own choice), w/lots of special touches. Who knows where it could lead? Presentation is everything :-)

Testing, testing...

James 1:2-3 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

Well, friends, time to share. Last Friday 3/22/13 @ 3:25 p.m., I was let go from my job of 11 years. If you've read here before, you know I've mentioned that my workplace was going down, so I somewhat wasn't surprised. Even when I was told "this isn't working out," I wasn't surprised.

Over the weekend, it felt very surreal, especially on Sunday night when I had nothing to prepare for. I filed an unemployment claim online (wow - times have changed since my last firing, Lol). I am prayerful, but I know if any decision is left to my ex-employer, he will deny any attempts. They barely wanted to give employees money (no raises in 7 years), let alone someone who no longer works there.

Prayers, inhaling, then exhaling.

So in these few days, I've done nothing. And I mean nothing. My feelings at first were: failure, what am I really meant to do, etc. Everyone says take time, rest, create, be productive, however, I still feel a heavy weight. My aura is dull. Thinking of finances overwhelms me right now.

I'm still getting  up each morning as 6:00 a.m. to make sure son is out the door & to take my dogs out, so there's no sleeping in. Once I hit the coffee pot & get online, I'm awake. There are plenty of things I could do around the house, but cleaning just isn't in me right now. I feel very tired. Last night, I shut off all things electronic, laid 'cross my bed in total silence & read 3 magazines, cover to cover.

I look at my mess of a desk with all it's inks, stamps, cards, etc., & can't find the groove to create anything right now. A friend suggested that it being springtime, that I hit up all the local nurseries as my love for people & all things flowers would be good for me. At first I got super-excited at the thought, then my mind wandered back to finances.

I truly do not want to go back to the office setting; especially law firms. I've been the office worker for 20+ years. So much attitude, arrogance, pettiness, gossip, mean-ness, blaming; I just want out of all that. Being a Walmart greeter or a cashier @ a grocery story sounds pretty good about now.

I don't know where this new road will take me, but for right now, I feel like I could sleep for a week. I haven't done anything more than wash my face, brush my teeth, shower & that's it. My hair is wondering what the heck am I gonna do with it. (Lol) I haven't touch it in days aside from running my fingers through it. I just have no energy. I think perhaps still a little numb.

Peace, be still.

Still Kickin'

"Growth"

Seems I feel off the planet, eh? Lol. I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. My mind has been a jumbled mess of rush, rush, rush w/my son's basketball, and then I haven't been very inspired. We're in the "gray" period of weather where drear overrules some days. Not a lot of snow, yet very cold, even when the sun does grace us with its presence.

As you can see, I've changed the looks of this place. My "words" for 2013 are "change" and "grow", so I thought I'd start with the easiest thing to do. I like how it looks less cluttered. I have enough clutter in my life, so at least this spot will look nice, clean & organized.

Nothing exciting or new has occurred so far in these 2 weeks into the New Year. It seems my employer is still sinking toward bottom, so I've been doing the resume thing. A good friend offered to "tweak" it a bit - to bring me into the current century. Lol. Or, in her words: "Tracey - NOBODY says "typing" anymore. Nor do they say "wpm" (words per minute); that is so Stone Age. Uggghh... I feel like a relic.

But I'm still kickin'. Peace & light ;-)

Picture: tracey

Grounded

How can I be me when you constantly say
You don't understand how I operate this way

I am the dreamer, with the wonderment of a child. You are the cynic, easily riled

For many years we have been bounded. When neither of us truly well rounded.

The time passes & years have abounded.

But, oh, how my heart longs to be grounded

Pictures: me
Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "grounded"

Gobble, gobble

 Here are some scenes from last year's Thanksgiving @ my house. I only had 2 guests - my mom & her gentleman caller. Even though it was small, my nerves were all over the place. I wanted everything to be just nice.

About an hour into it, I was ready for it to be over. My mother wasn't in the best of moods, she ate enough food to MAYBE fill a mouse, then pushed it around her plate.

 She kept her coat on (she said it was cold in the house) and... let's just say.... well, no let's not say. Lol.

I have come to the conclusion that this year, I will celebrate alone. I'm dropping out of the rat race & won't feel an ounce of guilt about it. "D" has to work from 9-4, Son will eat about 3 or so, and I... well I never actually sit down to eat anyway so it doesn't matter.

And that will be the same for anything else that comes up that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Guilt free.

"Stress is not something that gets to us because of what happens to us, it is what happens to us because we let something get to us."

Pictures: me

Randoms & Sunrises

"Backyard sunrise"

"Being a passenger"

Sunrise in motion

I was a passenger this morning so I had a chance to shoot a couple of sunrise shots out the window. It was magnificent.

Son will be 25 on the 5th of next month. We have been having 'adult' issues with him re: s-e-x. I often have to remind myself, even though he is autistic, he IS a grown young man, so it's been a rather delicate thing to handle. I knew the day would come & I hope I'm guiding him in the right direction. This is usually a father/son
issue, but as I am both, I did my best. Lol. Sigh...

I have 4-1/2 days of vacation I need to take before my 11th year anniversary on the 29th, so next week, I will work 1/2 a day, then be off the rest of the week. I am looking forward to it. I am hoping to organize myself photo-wise, craft-wise, reading wise, slowly break down the yard/patio/porch for the winter & spend some time with mom.

But mostly I'm hoping to relax, slow down & bask in the glow of not having any place to be. :-)

"It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply be."
--Eileen Caddy

Pictures: me 

Retreat

re·treat

noun \ri-ˈtrēt\
a place of privacy or safety : refuge

I find that one way I can break the stress factor is to grab the camera and retreat to an unknown path. 

~ Namaste

Pix: me
Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "retreat" 

"Morning is the best of all times in the garden. The sun is not yet hot. Sweet vapors rise from the earth. Night dew clings to the soil and makes plants glisten. Birds call to one another. Bees are already at work." ~ William Longgood
 

I love coming out onto the porch or patio in the early morning (before 6 a.m.) and soaking in the quiet. It's when I quiet my mind, listen, then take each moment at a time.

It truly does give my day a peaceful start.

~Namaste :-)

Pictures from my yard by me: royal blue bell, & Gabriel's trumpet, or "moon plant." When the trumpet opened, Mr. Bee was already inside. I believe he just may have spent the night in there. :-)

Honored!!

I am honored to accept this award @ nomination from Sharon @ Chaos Ranch!!!! I truly appreciate the shout-out and am grateful to everyone that happens by here.

Here are 10 things about me that wouldn't be commonly known:

1. I am the 7th youngest of nine children
2. I am ambidextrous, but can only write with my left hand
3. I'm a pretty good basketball player
4. I'm a good cook
5. I always wanted to be a kindergarten teacher
6. I used to have a good singing voice & always wanted to be a back-up singer
7. I've always typed no less than 70wpm
8. I used to be a serious tom-boy
9. My mother sent me to charm school (scream!)
10. I used to be a clarinet band nerd & still have my original horn in my closet. Yeah... since high school. Freaky.

And now, here are six blogs I like to read; I adore so many :-)

1. http://momentarysolace.blogspot.com/
2. http://soulaperture.blogspot.com/
3. http://sophistishe.com/
4. http://thesweetlight.com/
5. http://www.etsy.com/shop/RedBarnStudios?ref=top_trail (blog under construction)
6. http://bferry.wordpress.com/

Thanks again!! :-)

The Rest of the Story

My skin feels tight
I feel boxed in
I'm a bloom digging her way through the earth
Growing toward the sunlight and fresh air
and new growth in a new season

My breath feels short
Tight inside my chest
It is fighting to get out
To inhale, then exhale
All the fresh air it's been missing

My thoughts feel trapped
They feel restricted
From conforming to what others
think they should be

But my resolve is strong
It is tired, pissed & it is determined,
To regain that patch of sunshine
Where I will sit & enjoy the company
of myself

And I will live The Rest of the Story...

Pictures by: me ;-}
Sunday Scribblings word prompt: "the rest of the story"