September Song

 

The "Harvest"

Well, here we are in the last week of September. I can't even express about time flying. It's an old cliche that holds endless truth. In this neck of my woods, we had a drought that seemed endless. I loved the blue skies/sunshine/tolerable temps, but I sure missed the rain and a good overcast day. My newly planted grass (again) went straight to hell. Also, hand-watering 'the jungle' of about 30 potted plants, the 'garden on wheels', the flower bed, keeping the bird baths full became ... 😧. But it's all good. I'll miss it when winter comes.

So, the picture of the Harvest produced more than I thought. It was just something to try since I don't have any place to do an inground garden. SURPRISE!!! It gave just enough for me. I even got a few green peppers. It was fun eating the sun-kissed 'matoes' straight off the vine with the salt shaker in hand. Lol. Childhood revisited.

Beautiful table by Dollar Tree

Break bread together

"Ladies Luncheon", 09/2025

My two sisters & my niece are keeping monthly lunches @ each other's homes going strong. OMG, how did we not know how much we all needed this in our lives!! It started w/Sister #2 saying (last December), 'why don't you have lunch @ your house for us?' (It was one year since my guys passed away) And from there it's gone full circle with my turn being in December again. Living in the mid-west, we have to make adjustments for what the weather will do since Sis#2 lives an hour away. So this is how the dates usually end; we're full of good food, drinks, music, medicinals, conversation and so much love. (I'm on the far right looking ...... questionable at best. LOL!)

And now I have three

So.... I added two more guitars to my one and I couldn't be happier. The total price of these two came to a whopping EIGHTY-SEVEN DOLLARS!!! The Mandolin was from a Resale shop going out of business, the second from the lady working there that casually mentioned she'd sell me her daughter's brand new guitar (the daughter moved to England & started a band!! Very cool). I was BEYOND excited. The Mandolin is missing two strings, reconstruction would be $$ out the ass, so it's just lovely decoration. It's VERY old. #score 

A Fall Walk

One Sunday morning, I walked the park near my house. There's always something very beautiful there to see. It's Dahlia season here and they did not disappoint. I was also happy to see the 'nature frame' that lives in the gardens year round is still being decorated according the season. God was everywhere! 😇

Otherwise, everything is going okay. I'm abundantly blessed, peaceful and thankful beyond words. In December, it'll be 2 years since my son and partner left earth. The grief for my son will never go away and I still have uncontrollable sobs and sadness at him not being with me, but I know where he is and know that I'll see him again. I remember after he died, then the partner, I went on a weekly binge of totally clearing out the house. I put so much out with the trash that the garbage guy asked if I was moving. Lol. I wanted no trace of the partner ever having been here (which is pure denial since it was over 30+ years), but we were SO unhappy and I put my life so on hold.

I remodeled the bathroom myself and made everything the way I needed to make MYSELF happy. The 'gung-ho-ness' of turning son's room into my craft room fell by the wayside. You can't call it a craft room if you haven't crafted in a few years. The lovely paint is still in the unopened cans, etc. I did manage to patch/spackle two holes but that's it. I haven't even sanded them down. Sometimes I wonder 'where am I mentally/creatively?' Seems the only thing I can accomplish is working everyday.

Lastly, I'm still 'seeing' my guy, if you can call it 'seeing.' We met four years ago when he was a customer @ the store. I was completely stricken with his kindness, looks (yes), he grew up on a farm, drove truck for 50 years and us sharing the same faith. He's a caretaker to his much older wife (which I totally respect) and he's 11 years older than me. I think when we met, my son's health was spiraling and I had NO support from the partner. Not that he (partner) didn't completely love my son (since the age of 2 or 3), but he had no clue on how to support me in my sadness, anxiousness and fear. In fact, he was downright harsh & mean which led me to have to verbally attack him. It drove the already truck-sized wedge between us deeper. In hindsight, he was sick and afraid as well which led to his death by massive heart attack while I was at work 17 days after my son's passing. I just wish we could have shared the kindness I was trying to give. Oh well ...

Then came my guy who was, if nothing else, cognizant of what I was going thru. If for nothing else to let me cry, sob, laugh, listen, console, pray and keep him updated on my son. From the hospital, to the nursing home, back to the hospital and finally to the passing.

We don't see each other often but we talk/text everyday, and this is good enough for me. I love my new space and my own company. He came into my life in the middle of quite a storm. Sometimes I wonder do we really love each other like we say or was I desperate for someone gentle and/or was he curious about a Black woman. We are TOTALLY NOT the same politically and there's things he never knew about my culture that makes me wonder. We never talk politics (I'm not politically correct in any way and avoid talking it like the plague), but we do share our faith. It wasn't coincidence that he walked up to my counter one Sunday, four years ago, after leaving church.

He's a great guy though, but I hope his wife lives forever. 😁

Thanks for reading whoever you are. Happy Autumn!!

Three Hundred Sixty-Three Days

 

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

As surreal as it still seems, my son has been gone from Earth for 2 days short of a year today. 

Time has soften the blow but the wind can still be knocked from my sails at any moment, at any time. I let myself roll w/the tide when it comes, letting myself cry until I'm short of breath w/a blinding headache. 

Then once it passes, I always thank God for his Master Plan, for taking away all suffering and for blessing me by letting me 'borrow' this sweet soul for 36 years. He changed my life in ways that are too numerous to count. I always like to say he raised me instead of me raising him. So much truth to that.

My usual day off is Thursday, but this week it (ironically) falls on Wednesday, the 4th, which is the day James took Jesus' hand and off to Heaven they went. It's been hard to kick memories of him leaving me and how bad it was, but my heart has learned to 'be still' & know that God orchestrates all things for the good. I know James is in a wonderful place, doing wonderful things and is filled w/happiness & joy & that pretty much gets me thru each day.

So, on that note, I don't know how I will honor my love 2 days from now. But whatever it is, it will be done with love.

Thanks for reading.

Day By Day

"Day by Day

Day by Day

Oh, Dear Lord

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day" ~ Robin Lamont

I'm still adjusting to this 'new normal' of being by myself. I'm actually loving the HELL out of it, even tho, of course, I miss my son with such intensity. I sometimes (i.e., a lot) sit in silence, in awe, of his/our journey of his illness. And how I knew his would end if I lived to see it, and I did. He'll always be so close. At times I can accept the peace, other times I cry so hard, I get sleepy & need to nap. Riding the wave of grief is letting it toss me around as it does while I hang on. Day. By. Day.

Love & light.

Still Sealed

Today is one month to the day that God took my baby on home and ended his pain/suffering.

I still have yet to read the death certificate. It's still in the envelope the funeral home gave me in a folder with the rest of his 'end stages' of his short life.

Maybe one day ....

2023 On It's Way Out

 Before 2023 leaves, it left this in it's wake: 

• The nasty disease of Scleroderma/Covid/Pneumonia claimed my baby. My only child at the age of 36. It was the hardest thing ever to watch him suffer and waste away to nothing. My only solace is my faith, asking God for strength DAILY and knowing my boy is no longer suffering. That, alone, brings me peace. It's been a 6 month struggle of nursing home & hospital. Rest in peace, my love.

• One the 23rd of this month, my Significant Other suffered a debilitating heart attack and to this day remains on a ventilator with no brain activity. It happened while I was at work. The doctors say they're glad he had the where with all to dial 911 before becoming unresponsive. No heart beat; no breathing. His 'life' will probably end in the next 48 hours, even though I truly believe his spirit left his body on the 23rd

Now, this is the first time I've been alone in my own home in 36 years. It feels very odd but I'm getting used to it slowly. I'm slowly getting used to the fact that I can finally do what I want, when I want w/out any negative or questionable input.

I'm making small changes to things I've always wanted to.

I don't have to worry about groceries; I eat what and when and if I want.

The silence allows me to hear God's voice.

I feel peace.