Hello December

Photo by: me

Well, hello last month of this year. Seems when we were kids time dragged on eternally. As an adult, you revolve around paychecks/bills so that can really eat up your time. Booo... I'm tired of adulting.

It's Friday night which used to mean a lot 'back in the day.' For school, it was the weekend; as an adult, it was hitting up the clubs or meeting with friends, etc. I work on weekends now (something I've never done in my life) and I'm pretty much solo on the social scene so it's basically another night.

No frets, however. I just made a batch of the coolest Turkey and Spinach Soup. (Note the recipe calls for Kale, but I don't care for Kale - too bitter). I followed the recipe almost to the "T", except I added chicken broth instead of water, added in a green pepper to the veggies and added in a can of Cream of Chicken Soup for thick broth. It's still on the simmer right now, but the house smells great.

I'm a soup lover and in my Midwest neck of the woods when the weather turns, I need something thick and rib-sticking. Canned soups don't do that for me; they're basically a ton of salt & water so I chose to make my own. Last month, I made Chicken Soup and froze them in one serving containers which is what I'll do this time, too. Genius.

Photo by: me

'Tis also the season to decide on my Christmas card. I usually pick a photo I've taken and have them made @ Walmart. I'm thinking this one might make the cut. Today I shopped for myself and my 2 sisters. Sadly a cute little shabby-chic place is closing its doors so I found truly good deals on 'scarf necklaces' for my sisters. Forget that price you see - I got these babies for $4/each!!! Yay, me!

And to make my bedroom look just a tad less trashy, I picked this up for myself. It's tough when your bedroom is your office, studio, meditation, reading and guitar practice room. It's not a pretty place, but I'm surrounded by all things I love so.... you know.. whatever.

Otherwise, life continues to ebb and flow. Most times I'm upbeat and other times I 'go under' and feel melancholy. At those times, I'm quiet, I read a lot and do things that don't involve seeing or talking to anyone. I keep social media at arm's length as well because when I'm down, I don't need to see that shit.

I'm still 'pickin' and a grinnin' (any "Hee-Haw" fans out there?) on my beautiful guitar. My fingertips hurt but it's a good hurt. A learning hurt. After I learned a playing pattern, I did chords that changed the sound and almost wept with accomplishment! 😀 Not ready to go on tour yet, but it's coming!

Photo by: me OF me 

So until next time dear friends (or you who read this). I believe it's time for soup.

Reading

As the upcoming Holiday season presses down on me, I can't tear myself away from this book.

I picked it up to get some insight with what's going on with mom and I'm getting insight out the ass!

I'm probably only into the fourth chapter and have more than 10 sticky-tabbed pages that I can relate to.

It's almost like we (sibs & I) wrote the book, yet I'm reading it for the first time.

Over the weekend, the promise I previously made to myself to celebrate this Season like a child is quickly diminishing. I don't know if my sadness or bewilderment is because of the book or not. Recognizing so many changes in mom makes me torn. I'm sad @ what's happening to her, pissed at her sometimes CRUEL words and heartbroken watching her try to hang on to what used to be her normalcy.

Yet, with each page I turn to, there 'our situation' is, staring me right in my face.

I'm glad to have found a book written so true, raw and real. I love the way the author is so honest with her feelings.

While preparing Christmas cards, I left mom out. This is something I NEVER would have done, but she doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in..... well.... nothing. Nothing more than having someone drive her all over the city with no intentional destination. Mom was never one to stay at home. When she was still lucid and able to drive, she would take long rides, daily.

She said it got her out of the house. We called it running away from herself. She's never been one to love herself, nor her own company. Hopping behind the wheel was the way she didn't have to deal with her own demons, whatever they may be.

But now, her outings are at our command and limited to friends who take her bowling and our trips to grocery/doctor appts. She's adamant about having a newspaper daily only for us to discover she doesn't read them. I don't think she still does her Bible study either, even though if you ask her, her first quick answer will be YES! I read everything I get my hands on.

Not true. So I knew she would have no appreciation for my photo card I created. Just like she wasn't interested in the "I'm Thankful For You Because...." Thanksgiving card. 😑 She glanced at it, put it down & left it next to her plate at my sister's Thanksgiving dinner.

So...it's either all of that. Or either I need more stamps to finish off mailing my cards; there's no place for the Christmas tree; I'm basically broke or...........

Holy crap; Holidays are coming

I am one of the folks who puts so much pressure on themselves for the holidays that I truly go numb. I mean numb like my anxiety reaches such a height that I don't have room for one other thought. Here are my bullet points so I'll keep it short.

• I'm not working (still)
• Bills (what else is new)
• Christmas shopping on extremely limited funds
• Having my mother over for Thanksgiving (she barely eats anything & last year kept her coat on - SCREAM!!!)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• Cooking Thanksgiving dinner (when I'm panicked, I can't focus & cook my best)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• What to get for James (son) for Christmas - especially w/very limited funds
• My sister's annual Ohio State v. Michigan game (great company, great food, but WAY too much alcohol consumed by all, especially the Sig.Other (sigh...........))
• This makes me not want to attend, but I will... which will cause me to drink more wine than usual. :-)

Then on the other hand, I long for the families and the commercials showing everyone gathering for the holidays, laughing, exchanging gifts & having a good time. All the way down to the perfect Christmas decorations by Pier One. Lol.

I would like to enjoy the holidays in these ways:

"Christmas by Pier 1"

"A calm, happy, normal Thanksgiving"; and

"A nice, elegant New Years"

I told mom that I wish our family had traditions we adhered to yearly. She told me to star my own traditions. What is she trying to do, give me a stroke? Lol. But.... if I want it, it has to start with me. And that would cause me to drink more wine that usual. :-)


Photographs via the Internet