She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

When I think of home

 This time of year reminds of a time long ago. When were mere children that LOVED the sign of snow.

We hung around the radio, listening to WHBC; fingers crossed, wishing, that because of snow, no school there would be

 This was THEE time to gather with friends, for sledding, building forts & snowball to the face (Lol!)

 Now that I am an adult,  I think nothing will ever take that place.

Christmas was coming & Santa was near. Our house filled with presents, fruits, candies, & family so dear

I could go on & on, but don't wanna drone

But these are the things I think, when I think of home.
:o)


Lol! Carry on Tuesday: "when I think of home"
(PS: these pictures are from 3/2011; thank God we haven't seen anything like this - thus far.)

The "Good" Flood

The flood of love that always radiates around my sister, Paulette's house on her Annual Ohio State vs. Michigan parties is enough to last for days.

"Family love"

Yesterday was the 5th Annual (YEAH, WAY TO GO, BUCKS!). There is lots of good food, side-cracking laughs, hugs, jazz, having 3 conversations at once, and a true sense of family.

The tradition is; you must wear OH State gear; you must put on your beads @ the door, even though never asked, you NEVER show up empty-handed, and finally, every time OHSt. scores, you must take a shot of tequllia. Lol! I have learned to skip that part of the party.


And, I'm usually never IN the pictures.

I prefer to watch the flood from behind the lens. :-)

Sunday Scribbling word promt: "flood"

I want to turn the clock back to when people lived in small villages 

 and took care of each other. ~Pete Seeger

Some years ago, I noticed after I lived on this tiny street that it was odd that all the houses had huge trellised rose bushes. Now this was some 15 years ago and folks have done their own thing, like tearing the rose bushes out. By the time I arrived, there was no bush at my house, but I was bestowed with generates of extremely hearty Morning Glories.

But I thought what a time of friendship that must've been.

What is a friend? I'm picturing neighborly friends who: shared excesses of their veggie gardens; shared extra plant seeds; shared rose bush cuttings, shared morning glory seeds, shared fresh made bread; spent time on each others porches, cried together, laughed together, shared meals together, helped each other, loved each other as neighbors, and took care of each other.

What a time that must've been.

Picture: me (patio Hibiscus. My first. It thrives.)

Carry On Tuesday phrase prompt: 'what is a friend?'

I wish you fun....

When i see children today, it's very, very rare that I see anyone running around, giving play serious time, thought & energy like we used to. when I don't see children outside, i imagine they're inside, more than likely parked in front of something digital or electrical. in an age where it seems like all children want to do is be grown - now, "play" has become a lost art.

If i could grant the children of the computer age 10 things or experiences from my childhood, they would be:

1. hide & go seek
2. red light/green light
3. mother-may-I?
4. kick ball
5. four-cornered hand ball
6. good old fashioned tether ball
7. play grounds - with supervisors, art contests, bubble-gum blowing contests, etc.
   
8. long, bike rides w/your siblings
9. outdoor imagination (no supplies needed except for what you find in nature), and
10. long, cold drinks out of the garden hose

We were raised, thankfully, back in 'days of safety' where after we finished our chores - we were gone!! All day. Until dinner time. Our parents did not have to worry if we were being stalked, abducted or harmed in anyway. And if another parent saw you doing wrong, you could best believe by the time you got home, your parents knew. And you paid for it.

Ahhh.... the good old days. :-)

Pictures: Internet courtesy
Creativity Portal: list 10 things or experiences
from my childhood for children today

Almost

there was a kid who liked a boy
he was too old for her & a friend of her brother
after all, she was 13 and he was 18
the chasm of five years


yet she loved him cause he was kind, he was cute
he was a gentleman, he included her when
her brother said 'no!'
surely he heard her heart beat

but she sat on her porch many a time
and gazed longingly as he walked the neighborhood
with his favorite girl, hand in hand
she was pretty & a cheerleader
maybe he didn't hear her heart after all

then the boy nearly died at the hands of a prank
the kid prayed for him vigilantly, even prayed at church
but when he finally recovered, he was not the same boy
this boy was broken forever, hurt, and very angry
but suddenly, he heard her heart

his college dreams were gone, & in his eyes, so was his life
he took up with the wildest girl in town (not the cheerleader)
they played house together & even had a son
the kid watched in slow motion as her dream
faded

years passed & moved lives on
the kid (now a woman) ran into a brother of the boy
and asked how he was doing these days
'he died 10 years ago' the brother said
the injuries from the crazy prank followed him
all his life

the woman sadly reflected on the boy that she loved
back when she was a kid & dreamed
he was nearly hers



Pictures by: me :-]

Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "nearly"
Memory of Robert ("Bobby") Ortiz

High on Arrival

Some years ago, my sister, treated me to Oprah's weekend workshop "Live Your Best Life."
In San Francisco.
It was a whirlwind of unbelievable. Flew out Friday & in on Sunday. I was so full of exhilaration & on such a high. It lasted for days on end. Overwhelming enough to go from being at work one day, then the next seeing the beauty of the City. Then the next day, spending the entire day in the presence of Oprah. Unreal.
While my sister & I were trying to sneak pictures that weren't allowed, security asked us if we wanted to greet Ms. Winfrey as she "exited the limo."
Then there she was. "This" close.
The afternoon spent w/2,500+ women (& some men) & Oprah was the amazing experience (besides child birth) ever. O is really the shit; a huge force to be reckoned with, but SUPER funny! And very down-home, like a cousin or something. She kicked off the stiletto's & wore her slippers 5 min. into coming out on stage. By the end of the workshop, it felt like I had 2,498 new friends. The feeling of self-love & sisterhood made me glow.

On the plane coming back home (it was clear flying out - you could see the ground below from Ohio to S.F.; same way coming home), I was SO giddy, I filled nearly 1/2 the journal Oprah passed out (PS: she did give away some cool stuff - I still use the duffle bag.) It was a blessed gift from my sister! For me, that is one great memory I'll not forget. It was the last time I got really excited about something!*



After a week or so, my hyper level mellowed & my life returned to it's routine.

"But that is the beginning of a new story..."**

Pictures: internet
*Daydreaming on Paper
**Carry On Tuesday

Love Thursday: Social Network

I don't know if I've mentioned this here or not, but I am the proud parent of a 23 year-old autistic young man. This is he and I when he was 13 months old; he had been diagnosed five months earlier. I would've never known to get him checked out, but thanks to my mom (mother of 9), she recognized the signs in him, or the lack of signs; not walking, not curious, not really interested in anything.

It took quite a few years before I finally shed my own selfishness and accepted reality. When I did, the world bloomed. I realized I had a child that God had made perfectly & especially for me, and had entrusted me with the knowledge that I would be able to take care of and raise this special boy. That fact always has gotten me thru the tough days - back then and still today.


My son is quite the handsome, polite, gentleman today. Very kind, laid back, trouble-free & extremely easy to please. He never asks for anything, which makes me want to do even more for him. With him being immersed in every sport (basketball, baseball, track), we are constantly on the go. After nearly 15 years of being the taxi & the responsible mom of an athlete, I have to say a lot of times, I get very tired. And at times, very irritated.

Being a parent of a special-needs person means to some degree, you will always be their social. Special needs vary on different degrees. My son has friends who live in group homes & are totally independent of their parents. Our case is not. My son very well could live elsewhere, but "we" choose to stay together. He's very, very shy, unable to make informed decisions & in no way could or would stand up for himself or speak up for himself, so quite often, I am also his voice.

So, in addition to trying to keep my own life on track, I keep my son's life on track, which takes a lot of balance. As he is a young adult, there are young adult issues to deal with. When your brain feels like it's gonna run outta your ears from exhaustion, you still need to keep your suit of armor on cause it's not just about you, but about another human being who is counting on you.


So, with God watching over us every day, all day, and continuously blessing us with more than we (well, I) deserve, we make a pretty good team. Even though I'm an old-school parent who keeps the boundaries between parent/friendship very clear, he truly is my best friend. He's my walking partner, my confidant, my teacher, my attitude-adjuster, my sun on a cloudy day & we mutually respect each other. With all those gifts, I hardly ever notice being tired! (sometimes... :-))

"Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful." -- Annette Funicello

Happy Love Thursday, all!


Pictures by: me :-}

Way Down the Road

the bad things i've said
the bad things i've thought
the bad things i've done
the bad habits I have
the rules i've broken
the moral lines i've crossed
the good deeds i've done
the people i've loved
the people who have wronged me
the people who have "righted" me
the words i've spoken
the words i've written
the feelings that have been hurt
the promises that have been broken
i've resolved to forgive myself, daily
and ask God for forgiveness as well
because in A Thousand Years from now
none of it will matter
and no one will remember

“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.” Albert Einstein

Picture by: me :-}
Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "a thousand years"

The story of my life, thus far is filled with many chapters.


Chapter I: Little Sister/Big Sister/Tom Boy
Chapter II: Little Sister/Big Sister/Prima Donna Teenager
Chapter III: High School Graduate/Think She Knows it All
Chapter IV: Moved to L.A. @ 17; She Knows Nothing
Chapter V: Moved back to Midwest; Still Clueless

Chapter VI: Moved to L.A., again; Is it possible to still be Clueless?
Chapter VII: OMG! She's Getting Married/The Most Clueless Move Ever Made
Chapter VIII: OMG! She's Having a Baby!!
Chapter VIV: Moving Back to the Midwest w/the Baby
Chapter X: OMG! She's A Mother!!

Chapter XI: The Divorce
Chapter XII: The Diagnosis: Your Son is autistic
Chapter XIII: Get Over Yourself & Realize How Blessed You Are
Chapter XIV: OMG! She bought a house!!
Chapter XV: The Diagnosis, Part II: Your Son is Awesomely Made/God Gave Him To You, Specially
Chapter XVI: Special Olympic Families: The Best Group of Folks You'll Ever Meet
Chapter XVII: Becoming Best Friends with Me
Chapter XVIII: Figuring Out What I Like To Do
Chapter XIX: Doing What I Like To Do
Chapter XX: Blossoming, Blooming, Opening & Receiving




Outdoor pictures by: BFF, Lisa Doyle. She's awesome!
Story picture: Google courtesy
Sunday Scribbling Word Prompt: "story"

Invisible

who are you talking to

and why do you smile
when you go outside,
why do you stay awhile

what makes you laugh
gaze off into space
why do you act
as if you see a certain face

those questions make me wonder
for surely they can see
that those are your footprints
right behind me


Patrick is always present, yet invisible.




Pictures by: me :-)
Super-duper late Sunday Scribbling word prompt: invisible.
Memory of P. Martin

"Them"

Warm summer nights
He would brush his hair until just right
put on this tuxedo, making sure
that his bow tie & cumberbun
were secured and tight

She, on the otherhand, had much more to do
For when a lady gets ready,
it's nothing she can rush thru
She would fix her hair, in an upswept do
slide into her beautiful, handmade gown
with long, evening gloves, too

He would come down the stairs & we would
laugh, applaud while he basked in being seen
He would then turn, with his hand outstretched
to present his Queen

They would leave in a blur
A flash from her sparkling gem
Off into the warm summer night
..."and that is how I remember them..."


Carry On Tuesday word prompt: "... & that is how I remember them". in tribute to my parents who were one of the most elegant couples I know :-)

Clean Slate

Happy Belated New Year Everybody! :-) Prosperity, dreams, wishes, hope, peace & love to all! I feel very excited for what's to come.

I got my book, Still With Me, today in the mail from the give away @ the White Readers Meet Black Authors. Beyond excited - can't wait to start it! The authoress autographed it to me & sent along a separate note! I had almost forgotten I won, so it was a nice ending to the day. She also gave me her email address & invited me to FaceBook her. So cool!

I'm listening to the book Let's Take The Long Way Home on CD. I love reading my books, but I don't give myself time like I should. On CD, I can get through the book while driving to & from work. It's such a relaxing alternative to the usual radio crap & my CD's I've listened to thousands of times. When writers turn their books to CD, they should make sure the reader has what it take to keep the listener interested. One popular book I tried was read by the author, but it was very mundane. No voice inflection.

Both books deal with illness, friendship, loss, love, mothers/daughters. Hitting so close to home right now. 'Long Way' is such a touching memoir. Both the authoress & her deceased friend (subject of the book) have other books out there that I plan to add to my 'to-read' list. Between the books & my friend, Cassie, moving along in her journey, I am humbled, thankful & slapped in the face by perspective 24/7.

Lastly, on New Year's Day, it soared to a high of 55-60 degrees! Welcome to Ohio. I dropped everything on the spot, & took a walk.

Cleary, the willows were confused. they're now covered in 3" of snow...

The park's ice rink was definitely 'red-lighted' (thin ice)

A soft spot in the woods...

I used to climb all over & play on this wall when I was a kid. I love how worn it is...

Finally, I came upon the spot that kept me glued in tracks.

Reflections that reminded me of this excellent post about "adventure" from Own Your Own Beauty. Let's "go out and see what it is in life that might bring us joy."

Bring it on in 2011! :-)

Pictures by: ;-)

Love Thursday: The real reason

Having Christmas with my autistic son really forced me to realize the 'reason for the season.'

Ever since he was small, the more minimal the gift, the happier he was.

I remember the years when I would go all out, focused only on the latest gadget or superhero.

When I purchased the entire set of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" giant stuffed dolls, he played with "My Buddy" - only;

When I purchased entire bedspread, pillowcases, curtains, & rugs of the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", he curled up w/with a soft, old, worn blanket my mother gave him - only;

When I purchased the expensive Radio Flyer Wagon - 'original classic' (yeah, right...), he wanted me to pull him around in the box it came in - only;

When I purchased Dr. Seuss' collector "Cat in the Hat" series, he wanted "Where the Wild Things Are" read to him - only. Again, & again & again...... [infinity]

With his disability, he never turned an interest to the 'video game', so I never had to experience that madness.

Finally, I let go, even though it just 'didn't seem right' that it only took me a short amount of time to shop for him & not get caught up in the hustle/bustle/commercialization that Christmas has become.

Now at age 23, his requests are for clothes only. Not a special brand-name of clothing, but anything as long as it involves his latest sport (basketball) &/or it involves a hood (hoodies) & is made of some type of 'sweat' material. Can it get any easier? Still not being to let go completely (surely he must need something else), I throw little things on the side that I know he likes; Skittles, his favorite funny movies, etc.

Still, giving it one last go, I tried to get him the latest NFL hoodie. Yet, he chooses to wear an old, soft, worn hoodie that simply says, "Go Team."

So... with all the other crap out of the way, it gives me time to remember that there was baby born in a manger on Christmas Day & that the day is truly about gathering with friends & family and spreading love and joy. Thank you, God, for sending me such a perfectly made son who just by existing, teaches me a lesson - every season.




Happy Love Thursday &Merry Christmas to all readers & non-readers. May your holidays be only about those things that really matter!! :-)


Pictures: randomly borrowed, but oh, so perfect. :-)

Forever young

I allow myself to;

• sweep & mop the kitchen floor so I can endlessly play with my dollar store jacks
• write in my "Hello Kitty" dollar store journal - complete w/a lock & key
• indulge in a big bowl of Captain Crunch
• while watching marathons of The Flintstones, Munsters & Addams Family
• stop & complete any random hopscotch a child has drawn w/side walk chalk
• never step on a crack - don't wanna break my mama's back (LOL!)
  
• challenge my son to a game of HORSE @ the basketball courts
• belt out the verses to the hand-game "Miss Mary Mack-Mack-Mack...."
  
• stand behind the fence @ home plate & itch to get out on the soft ball field
• get down really close to watch ants, spiders & catepillers go about their lives
  
• make funny shapes out of the billions of bubbles while taking a bubble bath
• laugh, deeply & heartily, a lot
• try my hand with PlayDough. It's come a long way...
• discover new things & places w/the wonderment of a child
• spend time throwing rocks into the pond
• racing my son to the car because...
• .... whoever's last is a rotten egg
• watch old episodes of "the Mummy" , "Dracula & "the Werewolf" w/ the covers bunched up around my eyes
• ride my bike, then let go of the handle bars while screaming...
• ..."LOOK MA - NO HANDS!! (to the embarrassment of my son... :-))
• sitting on the floor "Indian Style" to watch a movie, or read a book or ... just sit
• swing high, free & long @ any park I pass w/swings
• ditto for the monkey bars, while wishing I was still nimble enuff to 'skin-the-cat'
• sit in the back yard & blow bubbles for hours
• sing along w/songs I remember from Sesame Street ("come & play; everything's A-okay...."
• belt out the words to any "School House Rock" ("I'm Just A Bill...")
• laugh hysterically @ the same episodes of "The Three Stooges" that I laughed at 40 years ago
  
• Lay on my bed to read snuggled amongst my 2 giant teddy bears, "Morris Day" & "Cher"
• look at listen & to my mother w/the same admiration I had when I was a little girl
• cause i still see her as the same glamorous elegant beauty queen
• still browse thru my copies of old Nancy Drew, Charlotte's Web, Where the Red Fern Grows & Little Women

and I do these things because it's never too late to have a happy childhood.**




**Carry On Tuesday Archives.

Pictures by: me;

the picture of the swings was submitted to our local newspaper & printed. So proud of seeing the caption, "Tracey D. Kenard captures her idea of springtime." :-)

The gorgeous baby girl is my great-niece, Amelia. She filled our visit with a boatload of love... & joy (as you can see...)