The 'New Spring'

I napped thru the storm that brought on the fabulous rainbow. The last 2 pix are after the 'bow' passed. If you didn't see it, you'd never know it happened. 

This Spring is new for obvious reasons. It has a calm, quiet vibe to it that I've longed for but never thought would happen any time soon. We basically had no winter so everything is bursting out w/a vengeance, giving my sinuses royal hell. I'm still changing things; happy w/the bathroom going black/white & minimal. One room @ a time. I'm still trying to process .... life.

Amazing assembled while drinking wine

For the love of trees, the scheme became black/white

"Nesting"

Cute bench from a friend's mother's home. The arrangement has changed many times.

Blessed to get 'the kid's Thanksgiving table' from Mom's. Happy me/happy kitchen. 😊

Roasted Brussels Sprouts & Bacon. Life-giving.

Finally making a Terrarium dream come true. Assembled by yours truly. 💪💪

Bu-bye nasty glass shower doors; hello this. It was all so easy.

What my home has now become. A 2-story, 7 room 'She.' So thankful & blessed.

A total Temu fan. Cool stuff for so cheap. Double standard here? 😎

"Soothing Eucalyptus" by Tuscany. Fave.

Figuring out I have 'good light' all over the house. "Figgy" (Fiddle Leaf) in my bedroom

The "Prince(ess) of Orange"

What does it mean to be nesting?

noun: "the tendency to arrange one's immediate surroundings, such as a work station, to create a place where one feels secure, comfortable, or in control"

Just been nesting.

(photos courtesy of cuppa"T"Photography

My Story, Part II

 

I'm curious about this second half of my story now that I'm alone. Then I read this by Jennifer Camp from "Loop":

"... But there are pages being written now, My love, pages of story with you as the protagonist. You are the center of the story I am writing with you. And you get to decide, so much, of what happens. You get to work with Me in the shaping of your story, the rise and fall of the details of your life. 

No, you don’t have control over it all. No, you can’t change the setting sometimes, or the other characters with whom you interact. For sometimes I bring those people in and these events into your life, for you to see Me more, love Me and pour Me out a bit more. But you do choose how to enter into your story, or how to dismiss opportunities I bring, reject people you could love. You have a say in what you do within the story. You have a say in whom you love and whom you don’t love, in where you go and what you do with your time.

Oh, your story, My love . . . Do you see it written out? Do you see My fingerprints upon the page? I love looking at it, all the good that has happened, all the places in you where I want to bring hope, all the places in you that still need healing, still need freedom. There are places in you where you still need to see where I was, how I loved you in each place of heartache, disappointment, and pain.

So, let Me show you the story of your life through My eyes. I have some new things to show you, some rises and falls you have not yet seen. And it’s good. I will show you the places where I come, with My presence and My hope and My love, to make it good.

Does this sound good? Let’s look, together, at your story." ~ Love, God

Randoms

This morning, a customer who is a surgical nurse @ the hospital where James was, and a fellow believer in Jesus put something on my heart that was so right on time. I shared with her that when I try to remember good times w/my son, my mind automatically goes to when his illness/decline began. It was such a slow trauma. I told her about his autism, then realizing in Heaven he isn't autistic or not born Fragile X or dealing w/the fatal Scleroderma & I wondered what he was like holding conversations with informative thoughts & responses.  .

She reminded me:

• that son is with God 
• his new body is perfect
• God loaned him to me (I always said that myself 😏)
• God created the disabled & they sit 'high in Heaven'
• God is loving on him 10x more than I EVER DID/COULD
• my son is doing WONDERFUL things in the Kingdom
• we are all on borrowed time

That was enough to set my heart at rest. I'm sure I'll still have triggers but as she said, 

when you start to feel like that again, remember everything I just told you. She also told me God sends angels with messages to us whether we realize it or not.

I told her she was living proof of that. Her name is Michelle. 'Angel Michelle' from now on. 💓💓

Mood

I've taken to not turning on TV when I come home. I let this soak in for a couple of hours before letting in 'the noise.'  And more times that not, I end up canceling the noise.

Something I haven't done for a very long time. 

Lavender Rose (love!!!!)

"Soft"

"Being a soft place to land is simply to be reliably and safely there for the person in your life. You're the one they go to with their problems, fears, tears, struggles, anxieties & faith. A soft place to land is the place they can let down and break down without pretense, fear of judgment, or undue worry."

Finally. 💖

Do you really know who you 'love?'

 

I need to say this. A murder/suicide happened b/tween a man and woman I went to school with. Not close friends in any way, but this is a small town. 

Everyone commented on how 'in love' they seemed to be. Married five years, travel, she was a business owner, homeowner; looked liked they had it all going on. From the outside looking in.

Then que the ugly 'bad music' that comes with every TV show that covers this type of thing. When the narrator's voice takes on the sinister sound of bad news.

Who knows what went on in their home that caused this damn to break. Word said she wanted him gone for whatever reasons. She'd had enough and sounded like that was too much for him to handle.

I know this experience first hand. When 'your person' doesn't give you the respect, love, support & nurturing you need. That's a red flag. 🚩. When your accomplishments aren't recognized but are belittled w/jealousy, that's a 2nd red flag 🚩. When everything becomes a competition, that's a 3rd red flag 🚩.So many more 🚩's that everyone reading this can add to.

The first time this type of marital suicide happened was many years ago when I was younger. A man killed his wife, then shot himself to cover it up. Mind was blown. Then the 'Lacy Petersen' tragedy & countless others @ the hands of domestic violence. People can create total lives with children, supposed 'love', trust, etc., then a life can be snuffed out in a blink because of an emotion?

I researched this: "As a criminal psychologist, I have examined and reported upon many offenders who have killed their partners and it is clear that they possess a number of common, persistent personality traits.  Inevitably, despite their bravado, they are inadequate men, with fragile egos."

To that end, now that I am newly alone after a 30+ year relationship that had me guessing at times, I thank God I am free. I will N-E-V-E-R let another person live in my home causing me to put my peace on hold. Never again interrupt my sanctuary. Never again talk down or belittle me. Never again have to answer to anyone but God. Never again allow myself to be so bruised.

Be safe. Be aware. When the smallest of 🚩's appear. Act. Pray for guidance & protect your peace & space. And your life. No 'love' is worth it.

Here Comes The Sun

 Everyday is a gift & fresh start

The Power of ...

 

Silence

Silence can make us nervous thinking we need to fill the void, but there is immense strength in silence. All sounds, from a whisper to a classical symphony, arise out of silence and disappear into silence. But silence is always there beneath sound and is the space where sound can exist. We tend to think of silence as the absence of sound, but silence has its own weight and quality. When you listen to silence, you can perceive its intense depth and power. Taking the time to experience silence calms the mind and rejuvenates the body. Silence is the void where we can hear the many sounds that we often ignore — the voice of our intuition telling us the truth, the sound of the breeze blowing, the hum of the radiator, and the noises we make just because we are alive. One way to experience silence is to wake up before the rest of the world has come alive. Try not to move into activity, and leave off the lights, radio, and television. Sit still and simply listen. You may hear your heartbeat or your breath, but keep your attention tuned to the silence that surrounds you. Stay this way for as long as you can, and allow the sound of silence to penetrate your body until it moves into your core. Feel the gentle, pulsing waves of silence and allow it to cleanse you. Five minutes of communing with silence can leave you feeling vibrant and connected to the universe. At night, choose a moment after everyone around you has retired and tune in to silence. You can also experience silence throughout the day. Even in the midst of activity, moments of silence are always present. Usually we ignore or feel nervous around silence and try to fill these moments with sound. Yet silence is always there — vast, potent, and available for us to step into any time we choose. ~ Daily Om As I settle into adjustment of this new silence, I appreciate this article.

Much Needed

 Family time. Free to just hang out on my own time with no interruptions. Totally in the moment, surrounded by what truly matters.

"None"

 At the beginning of the ceramics class, introduce yourself/your level of experience. 

I am Tracey. None. And the other 8 had 'none' as well.

A block of clay sat before me, this is all I could come up with.

I consider it perfectly imperfect. Like me. Once glazed/fired (in three weeks), it will be fire engine red. I'll show it off again then.

On spontaneous thing down, 1,000 more to go. 👍

Day By Day

"Day by Day

Day by Day

Oh, Dear Lord

Three things I pray

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

Day by day" ~ Robin Lamont

I'm still adjusting to this 'new normal' of being by myself. I'm actually loving the HELL out of it, even tho, of course, I miss my son with such intensity. I sometimes (i.e., a lot) sit in silence, in awe, of his/our journey of his illness. And how I knew his would end if I lived to see it, and I did. He'll always be so close. At times I can accept the peace, other times I cry so hard, I get sleepy & need to nap. Riding the wave of grief is letting it toss me around as it does while I hang on. Day. By. Day.

Love & light.

Sign Me Up

 

Ceramics Incense Burners Workshop I'm signed up for; Local Historical Theater showing for $7.00/per ticket. I'm trying out whatever pops up. Good to be spontaneous w/no feedback. #bliss 

The New Normal

Friday, 01/12/2024 was Dwayne's military burial.

Saturday, 01/13/2024 was his memorial.

His obituary said his death was 01/07/2024. I say it was 12/23/2023.

Yet, on Friday, out of the corner of my eye, I 'saw' his spirit leave the house. Out the front door.

I was in the kitchen & saw something move quickly but it looked like him. Black/gray thermal shirt. Seems he glanced & went out the door. I don't even know if that short amount of time has a name. Nano-second, maybe?

It didn't scare me at all. And as I thought about it later, I remembered the doctor said they found him here. At home. It's all still so surreal. 

Otherwise, I'm adjusting to all this space, quiet & alone time. I'm truly diggin' it (like an Old School Record) ~ Meshell Ndegéocello. Been slowly adding little things that make me smile and have meaning, yet keeping things asthetic. 

I didn't attend any services for Dwayne. I'm glad his family laid him to rest. He was so sad, depressed  & sick a lot. Yet 'mean & surly.' I know I immediately seemed detached but it felt necessary once I knew he was gone. And the world keeps turning.

Still Sealed

Today is one month to the day that God took my baby on home and ended his pain/suffering.

I still have yet to read the death certificate. It's still in the envelope the funeral home gave me in a folder with the rest of his 'end stages' of his short life.

Maybe one day ....

This New Year

 Happy New Year!!!!! It sounds funny to say "2024", but we'll get used to it just like the years prior to this one. There has been no truer statement than "time flies." I wish everyone peace, good health and good .... everything.

But on the other hand, should you have adversity in life (and you WILL), I wish you the strength and faith to stay patient and let God work it out beside you/with you/for you. In HIS time. Not yours (ours).

Photo Credit: Alicia Rose Temple

Going into the new year of living alone is interesting at best. I love my peace but I must keep productive. It's easy to fall into TV/social media land, but I like to keep moving. I've made changes to things I've been wanting to do - things that I don't have to hear any feedback about. Things that have needed to 'go' for years but stayed because of resistance from the Sig. Other. So liberating. 👍

Today is the first day the doctors actually said the words "BRAIN. DEAD" re: the Sig. Other. If I haven't said this before, I believe he was gone on the 23rd when his heart failed him but 'protocols' needed to be followed. I feel sad that he is being kept in this 'limbo' state as his children fumble their ways thru what to do. He would be LIVID if he knew he was being kept alive. It was something he said over the years on the regular. Hopefully, he will be peacefully released soon. It's been WAY too long, in my opinion. 😔

I knew my son was leaving earth, but I never dreamed I would lose both him & the Sig. Other in the same month, 20 days apart. It's still extremely surreal. But still I rise. (Maya Angelou)

So ... on those notes, I'm still stumbling around in a semi-very functional fog. Work keeps me on my toes, which I love. It's a challenge daily, even after 7 years. But good. I meet A. LOT. of nice folks. Yep - they're still out there 😊 My mornings and evenings are very quiet. I talk and/or read out loud to myself a lot. My routine so far consists of: leaving work, getting home, ginger tea, Bible study, nap (easily for at least FOUR hours), piddle around w/chores til' I need to get to bed for the next early day. It's what I need for right now.

Until next time.