Running on Empty

I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.

This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.

When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.

Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

God's Pallette

Hey there! It's been a little while. I cannot believe we are on our 11th day of October!!! Time truly does fly. Such a cliché phrase, yet so apparent.

We're having color changes here in Ohio; some trees are brilliant, yet some still hold onto their summer greens. I am fascinated each year at God's Pallette.

Peaceful, bright Westlawn Cemetery. Bliss.

Amazing!!!

Things going on in my life right now:

• Been on a few job interviews to no avail :-(. Trusting in God and practicing patience
• Praying on doubting myself. After each failed interview, a little piece of my 'worth' feels stripped away
• Praying strongly that my mortgage company can work w/me on keeping my house
• Praying strongly that we can find a soft place for my mother to land. Her house is being sold,  she has to be uprooted. This is such a tender matter for me. I'm more worried about her well-being than I am for myself. She is 81 years old, after all. I never imagined dealing with this and seeing the truly 'elderly' in mom. Makes my heart ache
• I haven't been able to get to stylist in months!!! Trying not to look like 'Grandma Moses'; Lol!!

"Changes"

Mini 'Burning Bush'

And that is about all I have going on. I'm 'living the dream'. :-)

Let It Shine

Turquoise Swallow-Tailed Finches

I feel my very best when I take good photos. I feel appreciative & blessed when folks comment on them. When 'they' say, 'why aren't you selling these?', or 'why don't you have a website?', or 'you're a professional & you don't even know it.' ....

Then I feel nervous. Lol. I used to say 'oh, it's the camera; it does all the work - I just point the camera.' But I couldn't be further from the truth. Nearly everyone in my family owns a camera, yet not many of us even touch them. So no, they couldn't just pick up the camera & it would do all the work.

There is a reason why I retrace my steps when I shoot; there is a reason I get closer; step back; zoom in, then out; turn this way, then that; get on my knees or on a chair; chase the sun, along with the shade, run outside in my "pj's", hang out a window, stand in the middle of the street, steady myself, hold my breath, go out in the rain and/or the snow. Spend hours downloading, editing, printing, turning prints into hand-made photo cards.

The reason: Because I want everyone to see exactly what I saw at that moment.

Which then makes me a photographer (nervous giggle). The next time folks ask if I am that; I will say, yes, I am a photographer, with confidence.

How to market me? Major suggestions have been: create a portfolio, create a business card, get a website (or should I reactivate my "Flickr" account & use that?); get an email page separate from my personal email. I started (very barely) an Etsy page, but shy away from when it comes to the thought of handling folks credit cards (YIKES!!). I need to get away from thinking, 'but there are tons of pictures 'like these' out there - what makes mine different?"

I need to listen to my 'shine' trying to come through. What have I got to lose? Time will past at any rate, right? :-)

"picture taken on a morning drive to Sippo Lake. perfect!"

Doubt

"Doubt is a pain...

... too lonely to know

... that faith is his twin brother" ~ Khalil Gibran

Week two into unemployment. I am finding with so much time on my hands, I cannot relax & do all the things I thought I would do if I were "off." A door left cracked open is allowing bits of doubt to seep in. Self-doubt. I desperately hang onto my faith, yet I find when my mind is idle, I allow myself to pick me apart.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Hands folded.

In prayer.

Pictures: me

Listen to Me

Dear Teen-aged Me,

This is you in your 49th year, five months short of your 50th. I am sure that in itself freaks you out since you thought 30 years was "old." I am going to give you some life tips; keep this list close to you at all times. Do not stray from it and you should do okay:

• Accept what you look like & love yourself. Everybody is different for a reason
• Looks are fleeting so don't worry about being "cute" or "pretty". What will make you awesome is your attitude, your sense of humor, your kind heart, and your smile. Looks may get you into the room, but common sense keeps you in there.
• Besides, the girls that you think are 'all that' become 'not so pretty & slim' later in your life. You will smile about that inside :-)
• NEVER try to 'fit in.' If it's not for you the way you are then walk away
• Stay away from gossipers. If they gossip to & with you; they will surely gossip about you
• Don't ever EVEN think of getting the gap in your teeth closed w/braces. You will find out that it is truly part of what makes you you
• Take your schooling as far as you can. Continue to learn as much as you can forever. Always strive to learn something new, daily, even if it's only a new word. Learn!

• Try to keep the self-esteem your family instilled in you. Without it, you will miss out, misuse, mistake, & make bad judgments
• DO. NOT fall into the "guy trap" of being with every guy just because he wants to be with you. Choose for yourself & be very selective & careful. You are much more precious than that
• If you feel pressured to have sex. Don't. You'll thank yourself later.
• DO. NOT confuse sex with love. They are the polar opposites of each other. You may feel extremely special at that time, but you may get your heart broken beyond repair
• No matter what type of employment you have, do it like you love it, and be the best at it. You will be working for God, not man
• Always be able to take care of yourself financially.
• Always have a goal and work toward it, constantly
• Always have a hobby and enjoy it, constantly
• Always believe the best is yet to come
• If you're not happy about something, change it, especially in your relationship(s)
• Don't EVER stay with a guy who hits you, even once. EVER!
• If you're going to have children, marry their father FIRST
• If you're going to marry, talk to your pastor to make sure you guys are on the same page



• Keep God first and foremost @ the helm of your life. Remember how you loved Sunday school? Keep loving it
• Always think and speak positive thoughts & words
• Always remember how beautiful & perfectly made you are
• Stay close to your family; they're really all you have
• That gut feeling in your belly & that little voice in your head? Listen to them. It will make all the difference in the "whats/who's & where's in your life
• Take chances & risks for good things no matter how nervous it might make you; ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships were made for
• Lastly, listen to your mother with the fierceness. She really DOES know everything. She wasn't born your mother; she was a teenager just like you.

Namaste.

What's my flair?

I wonder what is my flair?

Am I bold enough to go with very little hair?


Or wear the reddest of lipsticks

Or the twistiest of twists?

The mic is open on the stage

Waiting for who would dare

Am I courageous enough to get up there?

 And even though its not for me, how big would the butterfly on my back be?



 And the tiny diamonds wore in the nose
When worn so subtly can strike such a pose

The women who rock these things seem sure, confident, kick ass, moving, pushing, going

While I wonder, what is my flair?

Pictures: Internet

Me first

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.  ~Richard Carlson

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  ~ Anais Nin

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.  ~Lily Tomlin

Happy Friday friends. Wishes for good weekends to all. Here in the midwest, we're having temps in the 40's, but they oddly feel slightly warm. Blue skies and sunshine abound.

Today I had to put myself first. I'm holding down the fort at work until next Wednesday when the other assistant returns, so I was loaded down with doing work for 4 attorneys;

Basketball practice for Son is immediately after work. This gives me about 15 mins. to let the dogs out; give son his basketball gear to pack up, give him something REALLY quick for dinner, and head back out the door for 2 hours;

I realized that I had forgotten to refill my 'happy pill' and I could feel the anxiety quickly taking over me. I am not real happy about counting on 'the happies', but it is what it is. As it got darker, the lights of cars racing around &; past me started to put in a bit of a tailspin. I needed to go directly to the pharmacy;

Mom wanted to follow us to practice as she wasn't sure where it was. I got consumed with her driving in the dark. In other words, I was putting too much on my plate.

My remedy: after I got my prescription &; quickly downed a pill, I told mom we weren't going to practice because I clearly needed a little time to collect myself; I told Son we would catch the next practice (he wasn't happy), I came home and relaxed instead. Guilt free.

If there is one thing my medicine has taught me is that it is okay to say no, okay to slow down, okay to not attend, and okay to let my body dictate what it needs. The world won't end if I don't run myself into the ground. I am allowed to put me first.

~ Namaste.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

A person's world is only as big as their heart ~ Tanya A. Moore

He loves me not ~ Tracey :-)

Pictures by: me :o)

Removal

In this new year of living 49 years, I vow to myself to slip off my costume of masks, open my heart to receive and give all things love, keep joy in my heart, a smile on face & be fully, totally and unforgiveably myself. My boobs may not be where they used to be and my tummy not as flat, but I am powerfully and beautifully made. There is not one other person on earth like me.

I'm finally grown up enough to embrace that. :-)

Love yourself. It's the greatest love of all.

Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "costume"

Picture courtesy: Internet

Something good

Sunset 5/29/12

Sunset 5/29/12

"something good :-)"

Hey friends! Just a few shots of my something good everyday. The sunsets were taken from a friend's deck. Now I know where to go to catch sunsets as opposed to hanging out of my bedroom window. :-)

I was just listening to Joyce Meyers on the iPod. The lesson was 'choose happiness.' In the mornings when you wake, and if you think you're depressed - you'll have a depressing day.

But, if choose to have a great day & tell yourself that, you WILL have a great day. The mind is such a powerful thing & negativity is always waiting to pounce. If you let the negs. get a foot in the door, it's over. But if you kick the negative door in the butt & claim your great day - it will be.

Ms. Meyers also spoke about being victims of our past. Just because you were raised or treated a certain way that wasn't healthy does NOT mean you need to continue to carry that damn bag with you.

Trust yourself & love yourself, and you will find something good in every day! And that's not Joyce talking right there - that was all me! Lol.

Thanks for stopping in!

 

 

 

"Night Lily" taken @ 9:00p.m.

Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))

the 10 best

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." ~Harvey Fierstein

The 10 best things about being me are:

1. there is no one else like me
2. there is no one else who looks like me
3. there is no one else who thinks like me, we can have like thoughts, but my thoughts are my own
4. i have an uncanny ability to make myself & others laugh till they (we) cry
5. i never encounter a stranger. never.
6. i have a huge smile that i easily share - always
   
7. i am blessed to have an autistic son. others may have this, but i feel especially 'appointed' by God
   
8. i am generous to a fault (if someone admires something i have, i will give it to 'em, even though i want it for myself)
9. i have a laid-back, 'everything will be okay' attitude - always
10. i never hesitate to let out my inner-child and let myself play, no matter who is watching

Pictures by: me :0}

Daydreaming on Paper word prompt: "10 best things about being you"

The story of my life, thus far is filled with many chapters.


Chapter I: Little Sister/Big Sister/Tom Boy
Chapter II: Little Sister/Big Sister/Prima Donna Teenager
Chapter III: High School Graduate/Think She Knows it All
Chapter IV: Moved to L.A. @ 17; She Knows Nothing
Chapter V: Moved back to Midwest; Still Clueless

Chapter VI: Moved to L.A., again; Is it possible to still be Clueless?
Chapter VII: OMG! She's Getting Married/The Most Clueless Move Ever Made
Chapter VIII: OMG! She's Having a Baby!!
Chapter VIV: Moving Back to the Midwest w/the Baby
Chapter X: OMG! She's A Mother!!

Chapter XI: The Divorce
Chapter XII: The Diagnosis: Your Son is autistic
Chapter XIII: Get Over Yourself & Realize How Blessed You Are
Chapter XIV: OMG! She bought a house!!
Chapter XV: The Diagnosis, Part II: Your Son is Awesomely Made/God Gave Him To You, Specially
Chapter XVI: Special Olympic Families: The Best Group of Folks You'll Ever Meet
Chapter XVII: Becoming Best Friends with Me
Chapter XVIII: Figuring Out What I Like To Do
Chapter XIX: Doing What I Like To Do
Chapter XX: Blossoming, Blooming, Opening & Receiving




Outdoor pictures by: BFF, Lisa Doyle. She's awesome!
Story picture: Google courtesy
Sunday Scribbling Word Prompt: "story"

Hope Floats

When you are In Need, and wonder what the Chances Are to make someone Stop In the Name of Love, you move slowly & tenderly, thinking I'll Wither, I'm A Flower.



You want to open up, but when you move forward, you think All I Get is Paper Wings.


But then you wonder what will it take To Get Me To You? To Make You Feel My Love? But When You Love Someone, and you wonder What Makes You Stay?, your heart will tell you 'Honest I Do,' and you will Smile.






The highlighted words are from the soundtrack of the movie, 'Hope Floats', one of my most favorite love stories. I give this post in congratulatory tribute to my sister, Sharon and her 'superman,' Dave, who just got engaged!! They're living proof that we are each the love of someone's life, and if you open your heart for receiving, your blessing will be put inside :-)
Love and Blessings to both of you :-)





roses & heart pictures by: me :-) /heart 'n hands by: random.
Carry On Tuesday archive prompt: "we are each the love of someone's life.

Sometimes

... you have to be still...

and be present....



and let whatever was meant to be....


simply...

... be

Pictures by: me ;-). Reward after a snowstorm.