Hey! It's November Already!!

Hey folks. Yeah... I'm still here. I've been to this blank page more times than I care to count so let me try to catch up.

I can't begin to put into words how fast time is flying. It really messes w/my head some days. Working crazy shifts back and forth; I usually don't know what day it is, nor the date. Everything is a blur.  AARP Mag. says this:

As I get older, time seems to just fly by. Every year seems shorter. Am I normal? 

That's normal. Blame it on how your brain marks time — through novel experiences that create memories. Growing up, you’re learning and changing and making memories. Then, as an adult, you settle down into a routine, which makes the days, weeks, months and even years start to blur. “When those days don’t change, they meld together until something — such as seeing a friend’s grown child you haven’t seen since age 2 — shocks you back into memory mode,” says British psychologist Claudia Hammond, author of Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception. To keep time from flying by, you need to deliberately create new memories, Hammond explains. “Go somewhere different and do new things this weekend. On Monday, when you look back, the weekend will feel as if it were a longer period of time.” 

Got it? ✔

The summer for me truly flew by. I worked straight thru without vacation. I grew lovely flowers, herbs, tomatoes and sunflowers in pots. Things didn't quite work out like I wished, but I'll try again next year, God willing.

Then it seems the Fall came and went so quickly. We didn't even have Indian Summer!!!! This year we had beautiful color, but lots of wind/rain, so the beauty didn't last for long. I caught what I could.

Fall is my most favorite season to shoot for obvious reasons. 😉

Still working @ and loving the store. June made a year, I got raise. 👍 I have quite a few favorite customers, especially the elderly. I love giving them time and attention. #priceless

Mom entered memory care on August 1st. Still emotional about it even though it is for the very, very best. She has adjusted; it's a nice place for her. We've been going through the process of breaking down her home to put on the market. The sibs and I already have established homes, so we didn't have a need for much of mom's stuff. And I mean she had STUFF! An entire house full of her life to be dismantled. I give ALL props to Sisters #1 and 2 for their hard work on this. We would be lost without them.

This makes me think of my own house full of STUFF! If someone had to do the same for me, they would catch the same type of hell we're catching right now! I think my books and craft things would be enuff to make someone want to strike a match. Oy vey ....

... which brings me to this book I picked up the other day from the library. I'm afraid I "keep" too many things for various sentimental reasons. I really need to let go. In gathering things from mom's, I tried to keep it "down" - only taking what I could use around the house but I took a lot of her books, etc. Just because they once belonged to her.

Alzheimer's is a bitch of a disease. It totally robs folks of their lives & memories. I don't know what stage of life mom is trapped in right now, but she's NOT in the present or even the past few years. We don't know what to talk to her about. The most we can do is listen to her talk of times we know nothing of and agree. We "lost" her nearly four years ago. It's hard. But it's life.

"Better Days"

What else?? 🤔

OH! Remember the Arbor Day Tree Photo Contest I mentioned in my LAST POST OF APRIL? (Sheesh...), well... I WON FOURTH PLACE!!! I was on a natural high for sure! I left the gallery, went straight to bar down the street, bought myself a celebratory drink, sat outside on the patio & enjoyed my few moments of fame. I was SO happy! I looked like this: 😀

Otherwise, that about sums up the past few months. Nothing exciting on the horizon; I wish I could change that but... it is what it is. I've been practicing being ' present in the moment' for the past few days; not racing ahead in my thoughts - not looking back, but being right in the moment. It's a hard practice but it's where God said to meet him - right here/right now. It feels strange, yet peaceful.

We are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Peace.

*All photos by Cuppa"T" Photography (aka: me)

Trybe Strong

Photo by: me

My best friend has breast cancer.

We got together @ her lovely home yesterday, she gave me this lovely journal for a Christmas gift, we talked, laughed, chatted, then she told me.

I'm not ashamed to tell ya - I'm a 'weeper.':

weep·er

ˈwēpər/

noun

1. 1.

   a person who weeps.
2. 2.

   historical

   funeral garments, in particular.

Any of the following moments can open the floodgates for me:

• when I do Bible study/meditation because I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude and thankfulness to God for everything - good and/or bad; 
• when a movie touches my heart
• when folks get hurt, killed, or die (which in today's world would leave me a nasty mess at all times, but there are specifics to this one)
• @ natural disasters because my heart gets overcome by the loss & sadness for others
• when I've had too much drink and the conversation turns sad or deep
• when I think of my mom these days (dementia)
• when I open my heart and receive

But not this time!!! (Huh?) I felt so powerfully faithful for my friend - not one drop of sadness or fear. Why? Because I didn't feel any of those things and 24 hours later, I still don't.

I feel like God has got this like He has everything else under the sun. Not that blessings are based on any type of our merits (cause there's nothing we can do FOR God; he just wants our love and obedience), but this just feels different. I trust God so hard in this situation that I plainly don't have one shadow of a doubt that this will all come out in line with His will, which is that my friend will go over this "speed bump" (her words) on her journey and continue to live her beautiful life.

I have a friend through Facebook that I've never met in person. She's West Coast, I'm Midwest. We exchange snail mail, she knitted me a pair of fingerless gloves just because I mentioned I wanted a homemade pair (WEEP!!!) and she's going thru the valley of breast cancer. When she told me it had returned and metastasized, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe!

But me and THIS woman? No. The only feeling I have is being there for her & her family in the best way I can. She has a huge tribe of family & friends so I'm not real sure where and when I should step in, nor what I should do, but you can bet the farm I will be there. Starting yesterday.

I have a gazillion and two, no wait - three journals, but they all pale in comparison to this one. If not tonight, tomorrow I will start journaling (the goal is daily) in honor of my girl. She bought one for herself one so we can push each other to stay on top of it. She's never journaled so maybe she can learn from me. Because I've always been 'the writer.' If I don't get my words outta my head and heart, I'd be bat shit crazy.

So here's to being part of my girl's "trybe." I've never felt more protective of her or love for her.

I am love, I am light. I am peace. I am Trybe Strong.

Photo by: me ("Blue Skies on Canvas"

Who are You When You're Alone?

I liked this shorty from one my of faves @ "Medium", Dan Pedersen.

I marinated in this while I piddled around on this day off. I was home alone, silent and with my own thoughts. One of my most favorite places to be.

"That is the real you. Unshackled from the opinions of others or the need to dominate others for your security."

I came to the conclusion that I am the same 'me' alone that I am when I'm with others. I never feel a need to 'dominate', nor do I care of others' opinions. I don't think I 'am better' than anyone @ my job. Well all do things differently, but I would hope no one looks at me as having an ego.

I basically am who I am. 24/7.

The only thing I believe I'm guilty of when I'm alone is maybe being somewhat harsh on myself. Sometimes my thoughts lean to be critical of my flaws.

But since I'm alone, I've learned to ride the waves of whatever comes up in my head. Instead of trying to deny it, I let it be, then try to put it back where it came from or get rid of it altogether.

When I'm alone, I am:

• Quiet
• Thoughtful
• Mindful
• Meditative
• Angry
• Disappointed
• Lonely
• Thankful
• Artistic
• Creative
• Sad (sometimes)
• Heart Sick

And after I've had time to mull over those feelings, something will usually bring back to 'real life', being in the moment, then I move on.

It's only being human. And comfortable in my skin.

This is Who I Am When I Am Alone.

By: Me

Who Are You? 👀👀

Namaste.

Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

Feelin' Me

My Collage

So.... one day I realized when removing my head scarf from the night before, that I look rather 'regal' with this thing on. This very thing that I've worn since childhood (don't forget your HEAD RAG!!); this very thing that I see women sport on the regular thinking I would never dare try....

I took it a little further and added some sparkles from crafting down my forehead/third eye and added a touch of lip stick.

And Queen Makeda arrived. I'm not real fond of photos of myself, especially when I try taking a 'selfie' with a full scale DSLR (I don't own a smart phone), but here, I feel.... pretty.

Someone told me I looked like Maya Angelou.

I replied: "AND STILL I RISE." :-)

Tell Yourself

Pinterest

Pinterest

Pinterest

Now, let's get busy BELIEVING Ourselves.

Sunday

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). When we think of this verse, we usually think about “good works” as ways we can help others, and that’s true. Remember though: In the beginning when God was getting creative and bringing everything into existence, He evaluated His creation and decided it was “good.” Creativity can minister to a person’s heart the same way a meal or a hug might. (Inspired by "Project Inspired")

I listened to this very Podcast on this subject on the iPod (Midday Connection) while I created at my desk. I call this set of photo collage, "The Blues" compiled of the color blue that inspired me. Creativity inspired by God, indeed! :-)

Cleansed.... for now. :-)

I shed tears for my friend, Cassie, today when she shared on FaceBook that her chemo was being discontinued; it's not working & the cancer has spread. The last 3 weeks of chemo has been "HORRIFIC" (her own words) with lots of pain, hair loss (again), and things I couldn't imagine feeling.

Yet her spirit SOARS! Her faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ & our Heavenly Father NEVER wavers. She is proud to let go of the chemo so "she can get back to being herself." While the rest of us read her words & cringe, she uses them as a bold testimony.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. -- Psalm 30:5

I took a break from work, went outside & let my tears cleanse my soul. I wept because of Cassie's fight to live with all her might while I live life so cautiously.

She is as we speak, planning on walking the Nike 2013 marathon (without her cane) and being victorious. My constant lesson to be learned from her illness is to get to living!! Here I am doing well, healthwise, and there she is struggling to live, yet SO vivacious!

I found this beautiful post on "Tears Cleansing the  Soul" @ the Joyful Shepherd blog. Please take a second & read it if you can. It brought me so much comfort. And if you feel 'teary' at times, hopefully it will comfort you, too.

Peace, light & love to you, Cassie, my sweet warrior!

Pictures: me

Heal

When Jesus is my portion , A constant friend is he
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me

Writing this with all of the victims of Hurricane Sandy in my heart and prayers. As I sit in my warm home, with clean water, electricity, heat, sipping hot coffee, preparing a hot Sunday dinner for later, my mind is stayed on those who need to heal. Their tears of dispair, hopelessness, and lost loved ones has not escaped God's eye. His eye is always on the sparrow.

With prayers of comfort and recovery for the East Coast. Amen.

Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "heal"

"Life Is..."

Life is a song - sing it.

Life is a game - play it.

Life is a challenge - meet it.

Life is a dream - realize it.

Life is a sacrifice - offer it.

Life is love - enjoy it.

Here's to 4-1/2 days of vacation :-)

Carry On Tuesday prompt: "Love Is..."
Pictures: me

Faith is what makes life bearable, with all its tragedies and ambiguities and sudden, startling joys.  ~Madeleine L'Engle

I am writing with thoughts of my dear Cassie. I've spoke of her here before - she's terminal with cancer, yet she is the strongest person I know. She has had so many setbacks with her health, yet she still shines through. Her faith in God is unwavering! She is now at another cross road  health wise and admits she battles huge bouts of fear, yet God keeps her steady. She is preparing to participate in another marathon for the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society. Please take a look at her donation page & hear a little of her story. And if you feel so inclined, please donate a little. It means so much to her, me and all the others battling and/or survived the nasty cancer. 

Peace, love & comfort to all of you. But especially to my Cassie. :-)

Picture by: me. I chose this picture to show no matter where you're planted, you can still always bloom. Just like Cass.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller

A person's world is only as big as their heart ~ Tanya A. Moore

He loves me not ~ Tracey :-)

Pictures by: me :o)

Honest

I have found that when folks say that they want honesty, that honesty is not what they're looking for at all.

I believe that sometimes they have versions of honesty that require hearing only what they want to hear.

I have found that when you hold honesty in for long, and it finally exposes itself, it strikes a nerve in those who doubt your honesty. Because you never exposed it.

So, speak only with honesty and truth at all times, so you'll never be doubted.

And that is the honest truth.

Pictures by: me

Sunday Scribbling word prompt: "honest"

Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))