Holy crap; Holidays are coming

I am one of the folks who puts so much pressure on themselves for the holidays that I truly go numb. I mean numb like my anxiety reaches such a height that I don't have room for one other thought. Here are my bullet points so I'll keep it short.

• I'm not working (still)
• Bills (what else is new)
• Christmas shopping on extremely limited funds
• Having my mother over for Thanksgiving (she barely eats anything & last year kept her coat on - SCREAM!!!)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• Cooking Thanksgiving dinner (when I'm panicked, I can't focus & cook my best)
• This causes me to drink more wine than usual
• What to get for James (son) for Christmas - especially w/very limited funds
• My sister's annual Ohio State v. Michigan game (great company, great food, but WAY too much alcohol consumed by all, especially the Sig.Other (sigh...........))
• This makes me not want to attend, but I will... which will cause me to drink more wine than usual. :-)

Then on the other hand, I long for the families and the commercials showing everyone gathering for the holidays, laughing, exchanging gifts & having a good time. All the way down to the perfect Christmas decorations by Pier One. Lol.

I would like to enjoy the holidays in these ways:

"Christmas by Pier 1"

"A calm, happy, normal Thanksgiving"; and

"A nice, elegant New Years"

I told mom that I wish our family had traditions we adhered to yearly. She told me to star my own traditions. What is she trying to do, give me a stroke? Lol. But.... if I want it, it has to start with me. And that would cause me to drink more wine that usual. :-)


Photographs via the Internet

Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thankful Thursday to all of you. It seems like this day comes about faster each week! Some random thanks are:

This absolutely adorable insulated lunch bag, tailored just for me ("Cuppa T" Photography) by my sis, Paulette. It doesn't get any cuter than this, does it? I am thankful & blessed for her surprise visit, which we don't do often enough. It felt good to sit and catch up. She's a beautiful, funny, strong, lady :-)

Now tell me - how could one NOT be thankful for this smile? I mean, really? This is my Jeremiah who came to visit the other night. Him sitting on my lap trying to teach me the "Angry Birds" game warmed my hearth through and through.

I am thankful that mom has the strength & dedication to always come to Son's basketball games & cheer him on.

I am thankful that I am so fascinated with the rising sun and the setting moon that I always pull over to capture and share. Who can focus on driving when you got this going on in the East and the moon (above) in the West?? :-)

I am thankful that there exists such a spot as this that just begs for you to take a seat and let your mind wander out over the water.

I am lastly (for now) thankful for "D" having gainful employment which has taken a huge amount of pressure off me. He is always so eager and anxious to help out with "his money." This Sunday, I'm going shopping for a new pair of good quality walking shoes - "D"'s treat. It ain't the Hope Diamond, but I am thankful as if it were.

Thanks for reading today, & always, stay thankful!


Pictures by: me :->

Merry Christmas!!!

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy, Safe, Prosperous New Year!! Let's all hold hands and go into New Year together, leaving all unhealthy, toxic, worry-some, nasty stuff behind, and let our lights shine bright!

As you can see, Son is all pleased with "Cenation" (WWE for those who don't know - like I didn't). Nothing keeps you grounded like having a 24 year young man who still believes in Santa and smiles accordingly. He'll smile like that all day, like he always does.

Loving my hand-made sun catcher from a co-worker's talented husband. It's pretty, rain or shine.

And don't you love the colors of this delicious, oh so soft, knitted scarf? My neck will be drenched in deliciousness :-)

"D" is working until 1:00 p.m., so I'd better get started on getting the ham on and trying my hand @ Chocolate Chip Cream Cheese Cookies from Just a Pinch. Such a great site for simple, down home recipes.

So many blessings & love today. I hope all of your homes are filled with the spirit & the reason for the season.

Peace, love & blessings. ~ me :-)

Thankful Thursday (Christmas Edition :-))

Happy Thankful Thursday to you all. Christmas is fast approaching so tomorrow will be all about working 1/2 a day, then shopping as far as my wallet allows :-)

Today's thanks are:

Truly feeling the Christmas Season; and since I'm not stressed about buying, I'm more focused on the reason for the Season which, in my life, means the birth of Jesus, our Savior, spending time with family, spreading love, being filled with love & caring/praying for those less fortunate & helping in any way I can. If I can't help physically or monetarily, I can certainly pray for you!


That I was wise enough to hold onto my 20-year old collection of Tamarlane ornaments from my first "law" boss who is now a retired Judge. Every year when I put them on the tree, I am reminded of his warm kindness & of giving me a chance when I didn't know law from a hole in the ground. Thanks, Judge Boggins.


For the beautiful, fresh trees we get year after year from the Fairgrounds, complete with trimmings for the fire place mantle. There's something to be said for being faithful to good, local vendors. They always throw in little extras.

That we all got together @ mom's for her 79th birthday last Sunday. We always end up stuffed into her kitchen in spite of all the other living space she has. There's something about gathering in the kitchen - all 12 of us! The warmth, love, hugs & laughter that I still feel long after we've all parted ways is truly a blessing.

That in the nearly three months that "D" as been back to work, we seem to have gotten closer. I'm sure it's because since he's back in the rat race, his self-esteem has returned, as well as his self-worth. And for me, I feel different because I have so much more sorely needed alone time without having to shut myself in my bedroom to get it. He works evenings, so we communicate through notes. We're getting the air we both needed. And it feels good. And that's something I haven't said in a very, very long time.

And lastly - I'm just thankful for everything; friends, family, employment, shelter, transportation, my full heart, those who read here; those I met through this space. If I don't write again before Holiday, (& I will try to), I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukkah.

Pictures by: me :-}