Thursday, September 28, 2017

Speak It


This became a reality for me over the last couple of weeks. I'll try to keep it brief.



  • I shot a pic & mentioned on FaceBook that I wished someone could draw it for me.
  • I get a response from a FB friend that I've never met personally (but have been FB friends for a few years) that he could do for me - no problem
  • I'm OVERWHELMED with gratitude. I mean just out of nowhere someone says, 'yeah... I can do that....'
  • We haggle over price; well, I haggled - he told me he would do it, send it & let me decide what to pay him
  • Now... clearly he doesn't know that I am clueless with that much power. Hell, I don't even know how to charge my OWN photography, let alone put a price on someone else's
  • He keeps me posted on his progress, saying he wanted to find or build a frame
  • I'm FREAKING over this much generosity. I mean... DYING
  • Today...... this arrived
Original by S. Blakely
SERIOUSLY?????? All it took was the 'speaking' of it? Or that he thinks I'm pretty cool & enjoys my photography? What? Who? How? Why?

I cannot even put into words how grateful I am. When I keep thanking him profusely, he just says, 'thanks - glad you like it.'

What price do I put on this? The time he took to sketch this out on canvas, the shipping...

Oy vey.

I am abundantly blessed.

Namaste


Me and Keith Urban


Earlier this week, I bought a guitar from a co-worker. 🎸

It wasn't an impulse buy. It's been on the bucket list forever and the chance fell into my lap.

I've always wanted to learn to play. I figure 40+ years was long enough of a wait.

It's an expensive guitar, but she sold it to me for a song. No pun intended. πŸ˜€

It's a "Keith Urban" and came with a set of teaching CD's, case and a buncha cool stuff.

Last nite I practiced for an hour. It's hard work getting your fingers just right on the frets. MAJOR finger practicing is in order.

After an hour, I was frustrated but I know it'll take time.

It's not like I'm going on tour next week.

It felt so liberating to buy it on the spot. One of the perks of employment.

The Sig.Other wasn't impressed at all. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't mention it to him first or what, but whatever ails him is not my problem.

In the meanwhile, I'm working on becoming the next Nancy to Ann Wilson's "Heart" and banging out "Crazy For You."

A 'girl' guitar player.

Hellz yeah. 😎😎😎




Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Running on Empty


I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.


This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.


When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.



Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.


A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

Who are You When You're Alone?


I liked this shorty from one my of faves @ "Medium", Dan Pedersen.

I marinated in this while I piddled around on this day off. I was home alone, silent and with my own thoughts. One of my most favorite places to be.
"That is the real you. Unshackled from the opinions of others or the need to dominate others for your security."
I came to the conclusion that I am the same 'me' alone that I am when I'm with others. I never feel a need to 'dominate', nor do I care of others' opinions. I don't think I 'am better' than anyone @ my job. Well all do things differently, but I would hope no one looks at me as having an ego.

I basically am who I am. 24/7.

The only thing I believe I'm guilty of when I'm alone is maybe being somewhat harsh on myself. Sometimes my thoughts lean to be critical of my flaws.

But since I'm alone, I've learned to ride the waves of whatever comes up in my head. Instead of trying to deny it, I let it be, then try to put it back where it came from or get rid of it altogether.

When I'm alone, I am:

  • Quiet
  • Thoughtful
  • Mindful
  • Meditative
  • Angry
  • Disappointed
  • Lonely
  • Thankful
  • Artistic
  • Creative
  • Sad (sometimes)
  • Heart Sick
And after I've had time to mull over those feelings, something will usually bring back to 'real life', being in the moment, then I move on.

It's only being human. And comfortable in my skin.

This is Who I Am When I Am Alone.

By: Me


Who Are You? πŸ‘€πŸ‘€

Namaste.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Feeling Human


"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.


Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. πŸ˜‘

Namaste

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Plant Sanity

Hey folks,

If you know me at all, you know I have a heavy flower love.

I often wish I lived in a warmer client so my flower season would last year round (I see  you, Cali)

But I adore the season change of the Midwest.

By: Me πŸ“·
In the meanwhile, these "Zone 5" babies have been giving me life. 







The 1st 3 were grown from seed packs, The others, saved from the dead clearance rack. Much needed water and a new pot and they came alive. So many are wasted! Boooooo......😠

Friday, August 25, 2017

Dapper & Happy

Hey folks,

"Today was a good day!" ~ Ice Cube

Nothing big happened.

I just chose to find the happy in every single possible moment.

Even when I went down to social services to ask why they threatened to cut my Medicare.
It turned out to be in error so... that was a happy thing. πŸ‘πŸ‘

Then I went to my job to get my schedule.
I love my job, so.... that was a happy thing. πŸ‘

I sat in meditation.  I sat in God's silent presence and read his Words & felt gratitude & love.
So.... that is ALWAYS a happy thing.πŸ’—

Then, a good, sweet friend treated me to lunch. She's a former boss; we love each other like sisters.  New resty; lots of laughs & good food.
So... that's always a good, happy thing.🍲

Then I stopped @ the art supply store & picked up more canvas boards; pack of 5 for $3.00
So... that was a REALLY happy thing! πŸ˜‰

Then between a few friends, I received a lot of bountiful harvest. And A LOT of Morton's Sea Salt Rubs.
So.... that made me VERY thankful, grateful and loved.

Then I came home and re-potted my gorgeous Gerbera Daisy and my Flowering Kale plants.
Plants ARE my happy, so...... you know 🌺🌻🌼



Then I cut all of my grass. I say ALL because I not only have my yard/garden, I also acquired an empty lot from the City. I like the feeling of having everything look so nice and being outside in the fresh air, sweating like a slave and being productive.
So.... that made me feel happy and accomplished. 😁

And FINALLY, a saw a gentlemen today, dressed very 'dapper', i.e., suit, hat, cane. And I told him I thought he looked so.
He replied: "AND YOU LOOK HAPPY!!! IT'S THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I LOOKED AT YOU." πŸ‘ΈπŸ‘Έ

So ................... this was the theme song of my day.

It was a good day.



Find your happy in every little thing. It's truly there if you have eyes that see & ears that hear.

Friday, August 4, 2017

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(




Thursday, July 6, 2017

Catching Up, Part I


Let's see if I can recall what's been going on in life.

In the previous post, I already talked about the new job (I Think I Work There), so let's check that off the list.

I've been getting rather irritated with all forms of social media, including the news on TV and right now, just about anything electronic except my iPod. The 'Pod' is my quiet friend that holds my music (everything from Journey to Joe Sample to Adele to The Crusaders to Heart to Maxwell, etc.) and my Podcasts. It's soothing, like a book.

While the computer is so very necessary, it's all too much some days. FaceBook is the same ole thing; Twitter is too much, too fast coming at me (minute by minute thoughts), I post my pix on F.Book, so why do I need Instagram?? (I refuse), I still don't know what Snapchat is (and don't want to), and I DON'T own a Smartphone. "BREAKING NEWS" alerts & on the TV every time someone farts; if you let it, it can burn you out and make you kinda sad. Well me, anyway.



I've clearly subscribed to too much into my e-mail so I end up deleting mounds of things that become overwhelming. Even at times, the art tutorials I watch on YouTube end up making my armpits itch because 1) there are so damn many of them, and 2) since I have the attn. span of a gnat, if my 'creations' don't resemble what the artist is doing - I'm done. Grrrrr....

I'm still crazy in love with my Cannon, Sony & Nikon cameras, but without 'fresh things' to see, I'm getting tired of my own photography. It's gotten to the point that when I post, folks say - 'hey - were you at the 'so-n-so' right there? (Sigh...... so much for mystery). I need to saddle the cammies up and leave town! New things; new sights.

This is what I'm having in mind to soothe my savage beast. Mmmm..... travel. Inexpensive travel.

Yes, my shots are lovely, but how many frickin' ways can you look at a flower?

Zinnia: by me
See what I mean?

{Laughing}

I've also been reading. Let's catch up on that tomorrow. I promise I'll return. God willin' and the creek don't rise.

Hmm... I think I Might Work There....


Yeah... the 7th month. Summertime here in the midwest. And I finally found a job.

The job thing happened in a strange way. I went into a grocery store chain to check on flowers and came out with a job. Turns out, the chain is/was building a bigger, 'better' grocery and was hiring for employees to man the deli (aka the Cold Cut Counter). I was in my dirty tennis shoes, holey jeans & tank top (my typical daily summer wear), and was interviewed on the spot.

Two days later, they offered me the position. But God..... 😲

I wasn't sure it was real and didn't accept that they truly 'hired' me, even after they gave me a name tag & I started orientation. Lol. That feeling carried on even as I trained for 2 weeks and waited on customers.

So now... the new store is opening on July 12th and I'm on the schedule.

I think I work there. πŸ‘€πŸ‘€

While ever place has it's round of "way too many chiefs and not enuff indians", what I like about this type of work is THE PEOPLE; THE CUSTOMERS; THE ART OF SERVING, and WORKING AS A TEAM. The art of the "Greet, Stay, Have A Nice Day" way of things. I don't know about others, but I can't have too much of a bad day when I'm smiling, telling OTHERS to have a good day when I can't seem to have one my DAMN self!!

This serves my soul better than sitting in an office where you day is dictated by the dick-head in charge's mood. Where no matter what you do, how you do it or how much of your all you give it - it's just never enuff. I won't say what I won't ever do again (because who knows?), but my pref. is being out in the open. Where I can shine.

So as I pull on my required khaki's, my red issued shirt, my name tag & slice fine meats and cheeses to the public's liking, I feel a little spark inside. Because I work there.

I think..... πŸ™Œ

July 4th; by me

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 





Speak It

This became a reality for me over the last couple of weeks. I'll try to keep it brief. Went into a  downtown coffee shop , saw thi...