Silence, Faith, Grief, etc.

 Here we are nearing the close of October, 2026. The summer was messy with humidity and rain, but this past week or so, Fall has been INCREDIBLY kind to us. The temps are comfortable and the leaves are doing a good job of putting on a great show of color.

I spend a lot of time here @ home in silence or usually having YouTube jazz (Jazz, Ink is one of my faves) soothe me in the background. I stopped watching the news this past February and haven't gone back. I only know about things that happen when they pop up when I'm scrolling my phone or on FaceBook. My usual routine was wake up & hit the TV first thing while I made coffee. Then one day, I just didn't. I'm not missing a damn thing.

In yet another life-changing event, my employer let me go after nine years. I was totally blindsided but it didn't destroy or break me. What DID make me panic was bills I had due w/no other income. First inclination was to find another job, STAT, but when that didn't work out, I applied for early retirement.

Yes, I'll take a 25% cut of full retirement since I'm only 63, but I was out of options. So I was approved and am now just hanging until it kicks in. I accepted a job at a donut shop, worked one day and didn't return. Just that one day of being there depressed me so badly, I knew it was over. The stress of the whole job market thing just wore me down, so the retirement decision became super easy.

Prince would be proud 😎

It's been over a month & some days since 'everything changed' so I had to get used to not having anyplace to be or care about the time or even what day it is. But one thing I notice as I ease into this new time is how relaxed I feel from head to toe. My job was quite stressful/physical (tho I loved it) but it's nice to not have my feet & muscles ache. I remember saying to a co-worker 'I don't know how much longer my body can do this.' That time was decided for me. "To everything, there is a season; turn, turn, turn."

On the patio after a storm. 🌈

... and suddenly all the things I wished I had the time and strength to do while working full time is here for the doing. Some stuff I do, some I don't. It'll still be there when I'm ready.

One thing I've been doing is doing Bible study/meditations as soon as I get up. God blesses me, watches out for me, provides my needs and is always near/with me, so how can I NOT give Him the biggest shout-out?? From waking me up to til the time I lay down at night, He guides my steps. You know 'The Lord is my Shepherd - I shall not want" from Psalms 23? That is very, very real for me. Amen.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” ― Jamie Anderson

I found this quote on Goodreads and have loved it ever since. It truly explains how I feel more times than not. My son has been gone since 2023 and some days it really feels like one hour ago. I miss him intensely and grief waves hit fast and hard out of no where. I discovered over the past week when I'm gone for a day and come home to an empty house is kinda the worst. But I remind myself that he's with Jesus who is loving on him 10x harder than I ever could, then I think of funny things he said or did and it calms me. I've turned his room into my 'giganto plant' room and his ashes sit among all the thriving greenery. It only seems right. I love you so much, honey and I miss you like no other. Love, Mom. 😢

Okay!!! On another note, with the lovely weather I mentioned before I've taken to walking. I love to walk, used to walk EVERYWHERE when growing up then Son and I walked a lot. I'm blessed to live near our city's monument (where I used to play as a child) and it's quite a lovely place. I vowed that every day the sun shines (which has been daily lately), I'm lacing-up and hitting the walking track. It's part of my routine during this 'new chapter' until the weather doesn't permit anymore. And even after, us Ohioans know how to bundle up & keep it moving. It feels so good to move the body, breathe fresh air & let the sun shine on my face. God is good. 

Until next time, my friends. Thanks for 'listening' to my rants. Be well.