Tuesday, January 30, 2024

The Power of ...

 

Silence

Silence can make us nervous thinking we need to fill the void, but there is immense strength in silence.

All sounds, from a whisper to a classical symphony, arise out of silence and disappear into silence. But silence is always there beneath sound and is the space where sound can exist. We tend to think of silence as the absence of sound, but silence has its own weight and quality. When you listen to silence, you can perceive its intense depth and power. Taking the time to experience silence calms the mind and rejuvenates the body. Silence is the void where we can hear the many sounds that we often ignore — the voice of our intuition telling us the truth, the sound of the breeze blowing, the hum of the radiator, and the noises we make just because we are alive.

One way to experience silence is to wake up before the rest of the world has come alive. Try not to move into activity, and leave off the lights, radio, and television. Sit still and simply listen. You may hear your heartbeat or your breath, but keep your attention tuned to the silence that surrounds you. Stay this way for as long as you can, and allow the sound of silence to penetrate your body until it moves into your core. Feel the gentle, pulsing waves of silence and allow it to cleanse you. Five minutes of communing with silence can leave you feeling vibrant and connected to the universe.

At night, choose a moment after everyone around you has retired and tune in to silence. You can also experience silence throughout the day. Even in the midst of activity, moments of silence are always present. Usually we ignore or feel nervous around silence and try to fill these moments with sound. Yet silence is always there — vast, potent, and available for us to step into any time we choose. ~ Daily Om

As I settle into adjustment of this new silence, I appreciate this article. 



Monday, January 29, 2024

Much Needed

 Family time. Free to just hang out on my own time with no interruptions. Totally in the moment, surrounded by what truly matters.



Saturday, January 20, 2024

"None"

 At the beginning of the ceramics class, introduce yourself/your level of experience. 

I am Tracey. None. And the other 8 had 'none' as well.

A block of clay sat before me, this is all I could come up with.



I consider it perfectly imperfect. Like me. Once glazed/fired (in three weeks), it will be fire engine red. I'll show it off again then.

On spontaneous thing down, 1,000 more to go. 👍

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Day By Day

"Day by Day

Day by Day
Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I pray
To see thee more clearly
Love thee more dearly
Follow thee more nearly
Day by day" ~ Robin Lamont

I'm still adjusting to this 'new normal' of being by myself. I'm actually loving the HELL out of it, even tho, of course, I miss my son with such intensity. I sometimes (i.e., a lot) sit in silence, in awe, of his/our journey of his illness. And how I knew his would end if I lived to see it, and I did. He'll always be so close. At times I can accept the peace, other times I cry so hard, I get sleepy & need to nap. Riding the wave of grief is letting it toss me around as it does while I hang on. Day. By. Day.


Love & light.

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Sign Me Up


 




Ceramics Incense Burners Workshop I'm signed up for; Local Historical Theater showing for $7.00/per ticket. I'm trying out whatever pops up. Good to be spontaneous w/no feedback. #bliss 

The New Normal

Friday, 01/12/2024 was Dwayne's military burial.

Saturday, 01/13/2024 was his memorial.

His obituary said his death was 01/07/2024. I say it was 12/23/2023.

Yet, on Friday, out of the corner of my eye, I 'saw' his spirit leave the house. Out the front door.

I was in the kitchen & saw something move quickly but it looked like him. Black/gray thermal shirt. Seems he glanced & went out the door. I don't even know if that short amount of time has a name. Nano-second, maybe?

It didn't scare me at all. And as I thought about it later, I remembered the doctor said they found him here. At home. It's all still so surreal. 




Otherwise, I'm adjusting to all this space, quiet & alone time. I'm truly diggin' it (like an Old School Record) ~ Meshell Ndegéocello. Been slowly adding little things that make me smile and have meaning, yet keeping things asthetic. 

I didn't attend any services for Dwayne. I'm glad his family laid him to rest. He was so sad, depressed  & sick a lot. Yet 'mean & surly.' I know I immediately seemed detached but it felt necessary once I knew he was gone. And the world keeps turning.


Thursday, January 4, 2024

Still Sealed

Today is one month to the day that God took my baby on home and ended his pain/suffering.

I still have yet to read the death certificate. It's still in the envelope the funeral home gave me in a folder with the rest of his 'end stages' of his short life.

Maybe one day ....



Monday, January 1, 2024

This New Year

 Happy New Year!!!!! It sounds funny to say "2024", but we'll get used to it just like the years prior to this one. There has been no truer statement than "time flies." I wish everyone peace, good health and good .... everything.

But on the other hand, should you have adversity in life (and you WILL), I wish you the strength and faith to stay patient and let God work it out beside you/with you/for you. In HIS time. Not yours (ours).

Photo Credit: Alicia Rose Temple

Going into the new year of living alone is interesting at best. I love my peace but I must keep productive. It's easy to fall into TV/social media land, but I like to keep moving. I've made changes to things I've been wanting to do - things that I don't have to hear any feedback about. Things that have needed to 'go' for years but stayed because of resistance from the Sig. Other. So liberating. 👍

Today is the first day the doctors actually said the words "BRAIN. DEAD" re: the Sig. Other. If I haven't said this before, I believe he was gone on the 23rd when his heart failed him but 'protocols' needed to be followed. I feel sad that he is being kept in this 'limbo' state as his children fumble their ways thru what to do. He would be LIVID if he knew he was being kept alive. It was something he said over the years on the regular. Hopefully, he will be peacefully released soon. It's been WAY too long, in my opinion. 😔

I knew my son was leaving earth, but I never dreamed I would lose both him & the Sig. Other in the same month, 20 days apart. It's still extremely surreal. But still I rise. (Maya Angelou)


So ... on those notes, I'm still stumbling around in a semi-very functional fog. Work keeps me on my toes, which I love. It's a challenge daily, even after 7 years. But good. I meet A. LOT. of nice folks. Yep - they're still out there 😊 My mornings and evenings are very quiet. I talk and/or read out loud to myself a lot. My routine so far consists of: leaving work, getting home, ginger tea, Bible study, nap (easily for at least FOUR hours), piddle around w/chores til' I need to get to bed for the next early day. It's what I need for right now.

Until next time.

Three Hundred Sixty-Three Days

  "Did you ever know that you're my hero?" As surreal as it still seems, my son has been gone from Earth for 2 days short of a...