Hello December

Photo by: me

Well, hello last month of this year. Seems when we were kids time dragged on eternally. As an adult, you revolve around paychecks/bills so that can really eat up your time. Booo... I'm tired of adulting.

It's Friday night which used to mean a lot 'back in the day.' For school, it was the weekend; as an adult, it was hitting up the clubs or meeting with friends, etc. I work on weekends now (something I've never done in my life) and I'm pretty much solo on the social scene so it's basically another night.

No frets, however. I just made a batch of the coolest Turkey and Spinach Soup. (Note the recipe calls for Kale, but I don't care for Kale - too bitter). I followed the recipe almost to the "T", except I added chicken broth instead of water, added in a green pepper to the veggies and added in a can of Cream of Chicken Soup for thick broth. It's still on the simmer right now, but the house smells great.

I'm a soup lover and in my Midwest neck of the woods when the weather turns, I need something thick and rib-sticking. Canned soups don't do that for me; they're basically a ton of salt & water so I chose to make my own. Last month, I made Chicken Soup and froze them in one serving containers which is what I'll do this time, too. Genius.

Photo by: me

'Tis also the season to decide on my Christmas card. I usually pick a photo I've taken and have them made @ Walmart. I'm thinking this one might make the cut. Today I shopped for myself and my 2 sisters. Sadly a cute little shabby-chic place is closing its doors so I found truly good deals on 'scarf necklaces' for my sisters. Forget that price you see - I got these babies for $4/each!!! Yay, me!

And to make my bedroom look just a tad less trashy, I picked this up for myself. It's tough when your bedroom is your office, studio, meditation, reading and guitar practice room. It's not a pretty place, but I'm surrounded by all things I love so.... you know.. whatever.

Otherwise, life continues to ebb and flow. Most times I'm upbeat and other times I 'go under' and feel melancholy. At those times, I'm quiet, I read a lot and do things that don't involve seeing or talking to anyone. I keep social media at arm's length as well because when I'm down, I don't need to see that shit.

I'm still 'pickin' and a grinnin' (any "Hee-Haw" fans out there?) on my beautiful guitar. My fingertips hurt but it's a good hurt. A learning hurt. After I learned a playing pattern, I did chords that changed the sound and almost wept with accomplishment! 😀 Not ready to go on tour yet, but it's coming!

Photo by: me OF me 

So until next time dear friends (or you who read this). I believe it's time for soup.

It's Raining Leaves

Here in my neck of the woods, we didn't get much brilliant fall color as I had hoped. Not enough rain, then hot temps, then cold temps, then rain; bottom line, the leaves didn't stand a chance.

I was able to grave some colorfuls on the last good day for a walk (last week or so).

So in ode to Fall and the season of Thanksgiving, I created these:

Tea light candles set them off. And don't be afraid of Mod Podge. It's our friend. 👏

Love & Leaf Light.

World Kindness Day

 “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” —Dalai Lama

My Gerbera Daisies

 Kindness is something that this world desperately needs in these times of sheer, total cray-cray-ness. The President is weird, unintelligent & downright scary 👀👀; everyone has 'touched' someone else in a wrong, not-good way and all other kinds of madness.

BUT!!! In light of all that, there is always time, always a way to be kind and perform random acts of kindness.  This article gave me the warm fuzzies all over. 💖

I believe we do random acts without even realizing it. If you do something as small as say 'hello' to someone or smile or say 'have a good day', you have no idea what those things may do for another person's day.

I'm all about the kindness because I wanted to be treated kindly. It's truly takes much more energy to be mean, just like it takes more facial muscles to frown than smile. Plus, being mean gives you wrinkles, so fix your attitude so you don't end up with R.B.F. (Resting Bitch Face) 😁

On voting day last week, I walked to the Art Academy up the street from my house. Inside, a woman was complaining about how cold she was. She had on many layers, but her hands were ice. Without even thinking twice, I say - "here - you can have my gloves - I have more."

No I don't. I mean I THOUGHT I did, but I can't find them. No worries - they were just the small, stretchy ones that are a dime a dozen. My hands would've appreciated them as I walked back home in the cold wind, but I couldn't get over the feeling of how good I felt and how good it felt for her to hug me in thanks.

Just a small random act. Of kindness.

I can't believe I gave her my gloves...... 😐

Namaste.

November??? Seriously???

I didn't realize I had not posted one damn thing since September here. Where have I been? Where was I the entire month of October?

I've been right here. I've come to this blank page many times but the words got jumbled in my head so I left. And left. And kept leaving.

1990

2017

• In two days, my son will be 30 years old! A co-worker told me he didn't think I was more than 35 years (I'll pay him off later) His growth into a beautiful, gentle, humble man who happens to have Autism is just a testament that time goes on; whether you know what you're doing or not. I still to this very moment am not sure in my parenting skills, but here we are.

• It's been six months since I've been @ the store and I still love it. Of course you run into folks who are miserable in their lives and want to spread the misery, but I repel that shit like roach spray. I recommend everyone do the same.

• The sibs and I are still keeping a close watch on mom. You never know what will go on from one day to the next w/her dementia. I discovered B-12 deficiency can be a major factor in easing/slowing the effect of "D". I vaguely remember mom's doctor telling us that and recommending shots to which she said 'to hell with THAT!' So .... here we are: nowhere.

• Summer is done and shut down. I have a few plants left that are fighting the good fight w/this 40degree weather. I'll let them go until the frost obliterates them because as long as they still have color & act like they want to live, I say let 'em live.I found that the ones that lasts are the ones I planted from seed. #natural #nature

Nasturtium

Zinnias

• The clocks fall back this Saturday/Sunday morning. Booo.... only because it will get dark @ "early o'thirty." That feeling that always makes you feel like you should have on your pajamas & refuse to go back outside, even though its only 5:27 p.m. Uggh...

Me.

• Otherwise, my life is still what it is. I haven't traveled anywhere, done anything exciting or written any novels worthy of Oprah's Book Club List. 😋😆 I still watch YouTube vids. for practicing the guitar (so relaxing), still 'dabble' in trying to stay creative & staying humble. I guess for now, this is my place in this life.

Namaste.

Face Stencils by me, titled "Mother & Daugher"

Speak It

This became a reality for me over the last couple of weeks. I'll try to keep it brief.

• Went into a downtown coffee shop, saw this drawing and fell deeply in love upon sight

• I shot a pic & mentioned on FaceBook that I wished someone could draw it for me.
• I get a response from a FB friend that I've never met personally (but have been FB friends for a few years) that he could do for me - no problem
• I'm OVERWHELMED with gratitude. I mean just out of nowhere someone says, 'yeah... I can do that....'
• We haggle over price; well, I haggled - he told me he would do it, send it & let me decide what to pay him
• Now... clearly he doesn't know that I am clueless with that much power. Hell, I don't even know how to charge my OWN photography, let alone put a price on someone else's
• He keeps me posted on his progress, saying he wanted to find or build a frame
• I'm FREAKING over this much generosity. I mean... DYING
• Today...... this arrived

Original by S. Blakely

SERIOUSLY?????? All it took was the 'speaking' of it? Or that he thinks I'm pretty cool & enjoys my photography? What? Who? How? Why?

I cannot even put into words how grateful I am. When I keep thanking him profusely, he just says, 'thanks - glad you like it.'

What price do I put on this? The time he took to sketch this out on canvas, the shipping...

Oy vey.

I am abundantly blessed.

Namaste

Me and Keith Urban

Earlier this week, I bought a guitar from a co-worker. 🎸

It wasn't an impulse buy. It's been on the bucket list forever and the chance fell into my lap.

I've always wanted to learn to play. I figure 40+ years was long enough of a wait.

It's an expensive guitar, but she sold it to me for a song. No pun intended. 😀

It's a "Keith Urban" and came with a set of teaching CD's, case and a buncha cool stuff.

Last nite I practiced for an hour. It's hard work getting your fingers just right on the frets. MAJOR finger practicing is in order.

After an hour, I was frustrated but I know it'll take time.

It's not like I'm going on tour next week.

It felt so liberating to buy it on the spot. One of the perks of employment.

The Sig.Other wasn't impressed at all. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't mention it to him first or what, but whatever ails him is not my problem.

In the meanwhile, I'm working on becoming the next Nancy to Ann Wilson's "Heart" and banging out "Crazy For You."

A 'girl' guitar player.

Hellz yeah. 😎😎😎

Running on Empty

I'm a "runner."

Nope, not a physical runner.

Not a 'carpet runner' on the floor.

I'm a feeling-runner.

When I touch the flame and it burns, I run.

This is nothing I'm truly proud of. It's a deeply instilled fight or flight response.

When I was a young wife and mother & things didn't work, I ran. Neither he or I was mature enough to make any adult type decisions on marriage/motherhood. I couldn't see any light @ the end of the tunnel. So I ran. Three thousand miles & aside from the living proof of my son, I acted like it never happened.

Recently, when a male friend whom I shared serious closeness/intimacy with chose 'not me', I ran. Not far, though, because he lives all of 5 mins. from my home. But chances are slim that we run into each other, so I unfriended him on social media as well. It was too painful for me to see pictures of him with his "Queen." And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

A couple years back; same thing. Different man, same flight response. No social media interaction, rarely run into each other in this small town, even though my heart drips with heartache for what could have been. And I'm pretending it was all nothing.

What causes this fear of intimacy? Until I can approach the subject without feeling like it's life or death, I'll never know.

Namaste

Pictures by: me (shot thru a chain-linked fence because the asses @ the fair wanted $8 just for parking and I wasn't feeling it.... ✊)

Who are You When You're Alone?

I liked this shorty from one my of faves @ "Medium", Dan Pedersen.

I marinated in this while I piddled around on this day off. I was home alone, silent and with my own thoughts. One of my most favorite places to be.

"That is the real you. Unshackled from the opinions of others or the need to dominate others for your security."

I came to the conclusion that I am the same 'me' alone that I am when I'm with others. I never feel a need to 'dominate', nor do I care of others' opinions. I don't think I 'am better' than anyone @ my job. Well all do things differently, but I would hope no one looks at me as having an ego.

I basically am who I am. 24/7.

The only thing I believe I'm guilty of when I'm alone is maybe being somewhat harsh on myself. Sometimes my thoughts lean to be critical of my flaws.

But since I'm alone, I've learned to ride the waves of whatever comes up in my head. Instead of trying to deny it, I let it be, then try to put it back where it came from or get rid of it altogether.

When I'm alone, I am:

• Quiet
• Thoughtful
• Mindful
• Meditative
• Angry
• Disappointed
• Lonely
• Thankful
• Artistic
• Creative
• Sad (sometimes)
• Heart Sick

And after I've had time to mull over those feelings, something will usually bring back to 'real life', being in the moment, then I move on.

It's only being human. And comfortable in my skin.

This is Who I Am When I Am Alone.

By: Me

Who Are You? 👀👀

Namaste.

Feeling Human

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." ~ Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

My spirit feels small today.

I'm blessed abundantly so I don't feel I have the right to grumble and/or complain, especially in the face of what's happening right now in Texas and many, many other places that don't get attention, but I am having a human experience.

I am allowed, right? I'm gonna set the timer & give myself not more than 5 mins. to mope, then time's up because I truly don't like feeling like this.

Some days I have a hard time balancing the good/evil in today's world. There's so MUCH ugliness out there, but then there is also MUCH beauty. When I'm having my H.E. (human experience), it's hard to see the beauty.

Photo by me, aka cuppa"T" Photography

To not sound like a whiney 5 year old, I going to attribute this feeling to the need to get away. I haven't been away from home in nearly 9 years. No vacation, no one-tank-trip around my state, nothing. I'm bored with my surroundings; as a photographer, I need my eyes to see new things.

Freeway anxiety completely sucks and sometimes I feel like it's trapped me in my small corner of the planet. I wish I had a partner, the kind that says 'get dressed, we're going somewhere.' I'm stuck in a routine of what feels like Ground Hog Day.

I'm usually upbeat and positive, even when I'm hiding feelings deep down, but I needed to get this post, these thoughts outta my head. If you're reading this & thinking 'get over yourself already', I'm with ya.

The timer has 'dinged.' Inhale/exhale. Bad stuff out, good stuff in.

Let's focus on the beauty and brief lives of the butterfly. They don't live long, but they make the most of each of their days. I found these lovelies on 2 different occasions in & near my car. I had to handle them with the lightest of touch.

Because they represent the beauty in death.

Striving to return to my spiritual being status. 😑

Namaste

Plant Sanity

Hey folks,

If you know me at all, you know I have a heavy flower love.

I often wish I lived in a warmer client so my flower season would last year round (I see  you, Cali)

But I adore the season change of the Midwest.

By: Me 📷

In the meanwhile, these "Zone 5" babies have been giving me life. 

The 1st 3 were grown from seed packs, The others, saved from the dead clearance rack. Much needed water and a new pot and they came alive. So many are wasted! Boooooo......😠

Dapper & Happy

Hey folks,

"Today was a good day!" ~ Ice Cube

Nothing big happened.

I just chose to find the happy in every single possible moment.

Even when I went down to social services to ask why they threatened to cut my Medicare.
It turned out to be in error so... that was a happy thing. 👏👏

Then I went to my job to get my schedule.
I love my job, so.... that was a happy thing. 👍

I sat in meditation.  I sat in God's silent presence and read his Words & felt gratitude & love.
So.... that is ALWAYS a happy thing.💗

Then, a good, sweet friend treated me to lunch. She's a former boss; we love each other like sisters.  New resty; lots of laughs & good food.
So... that's always a good, happy thing.🍲

Then I stopped @ the art supply store & picked up more canvas boards; pack of 5 for $3.00
So... that was a REALLY happy thing! 😉

Then between a few friends, I received a lot of bountiful harvest. And A LOT of Morton's Sea Salt Rubs.
So.... that made me VERY thankful, grateful and loved.

Then I came home and re-potted my gorgeous Gerbera Daisy and my Flowering Kale plants.
Plants ARE my happy, so...... you know 🌺🌻🌼

Then I cut all of my grass. I say ALL because I not only have my yard/garden, I also acquired an empty lot from the City. I like the feeling of having everything look so nice and being outside in the fresh air, sweating like a slave and being productive.
So.... that made me feel happy and accomplished. 😁

And FINALLY, a saw a gentlemen today, dressed very 'dapper', i.e., suit, hat, cane. And I told him I thought he looked so.
He replied: "AND YOU LOOK HAPPY!!! IT'S THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT WHEN I LOOKED AT YOU." 👸👸

So ................... this was the theme song of my day.

It was a good day.

Find your happy in every little thing. It's truly there if you have eyes that see & ears that hear.

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(

Catching Up, Part I

Let's see if I can recall what's been going on in life.

In the previous post, I already talked about the new job (I Think I Work There), so let's check that off the list.

I've been getting rather irritated with all forms of social media, including the news on TV and right now, just about anything electronic except my iPod. The 'Pod' is my quiet friend that holds my music (everything from Journey to Joe Sample to Adele to The Crusaders to Heart to Maxwell, etc.) and my Podcasts. It's soothing, like a book.

While the computer is so very necessary, it's all too much some days. FaceBook is the same ole thing; Twitter is too much, too fast coming at me (minute by minute thoughts), I post my pix on F.Book, so why do I need Instagram?? (I refuse), I still don't know what Snapchat is (and don't want to), and I DON'T own a Smartphone. "BREAKING NEWS" alerts & on the TV every time someone farts; if you let it, it can burn you out and make you kinda sad. Well me, anyway.

I've clearly subscribed to too much into my e-mail so I end up deleting mounds of things that become overwhelming. Even at times, the art tutorials I watch on YouTube end up making my armpits itch because 1) there are so damn many of them, and 2) since I have the attn. span of a gnat, if my 'creations' don't resemble what the artist is doing - I'm done. Grrrrr....

I'm still crazy in love with my Cannon, Sony & Nikon cameras, but without 'fresh things' to see, I'm getting tired of my own photography. It's gotten to the point that when I post, folks say - 'hey - were you at the 'so-n-so' right there? (Sigh...... so much for mystery). I need to saddle the cammies up and leave town! New things; new sights.

This is what I'm having in mind to soothe my savage beast. Mmmm..... travel. Inexpensive travel.

Yes, my shots are lovely, but how many frickin' ways can you look at a flower?

Zinnia: by me

See what I mean?

{Laughing}

I've also been reading. Let's catch up on that tomorrow. I promise I'll return. God willin' and the creek don't rise.

Hmm... I think I Might Work There....

Yeah... the 7th month. Summertime here in the midwest. And I finally found a job.

The job thing happened in a strange way. I went into a grocery store chain to check on flowers and came out with a job. Turns out, the chain is/was building a bigger, 'better' grocery and was hiring for employees to man the deli (aka the Cold Cut Counter). I was in my dirty tennis shoes, holey jeans & tank top (my typical daily summer wear), and was interviewed on the spot.

Two days later, they offered me the position. But God..... 😲

I wasn't sure it was real and didn't accept that they truly 'hired' me, even after they gave me a name tag & I started orientation. Lol. That feeling carried on even as I trained for 2 weeks and waited on customers.

So now... the new store is opening on July 12th and I'm on the schedule.

I think I work there. 👀👀

While ever place has it's round of "way too many chiefs and not enuff indians", what I like about this type of work is THE PEOPLE; THE CUSTOMERS; THE ART OF SERVING, and WORKING AS A TEAM. The art of the "Greet, Stay, Have A Nice Day" way of things. I don't know about others, but I can't have too much of a bad day when I'm smiling, telling OTHERS to have a good day when I can't seem to have one my DAMN self!!

This serves my soul better than sitting in an office where you day is dictated by the dick-head in charge's mood. Where no matter what you do, how you do it or how much of your all you give it - it's just never enuff. I won't say what I won't ever do again (because who knows?), but my pref. is being out in the open. Where I can shine.

So as I pull on my required khaki's, my red issued shirt, my name tag & slice fine meats and cheeses to the public's liking, I feel a little spark inside. Because I work there.

I think..... 🙌

July 4th; by me

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 

It's March 23rd Already???

(Blowing in the mic - "IS THIS THING ON??")

*crickets chirping* 👀

Well, apparently I've laxed the entire month of February and a good chunk of March. I can't tell you how many times I've come here, sat in front of a blank page, then left. Seems like it's so difficult to put my thoughts into words.

I've come to the conclusion that time truly flies when it revolves around bills and pay days. How unfair is that?

Unemployed - still, but not sweating it.

My sister and I have been getting into different art mediums. She's doing free hand painting on canvas; I turned her onto You Tube videos and there she went. Now - like me - when she can't sleep, she goes to her craft room and creates in the night. She changed her master bedroom into her work room so the amount of space she has is cray-cray. I hate her.......😝

I've been trying molding paste (aka Joint Compound I found in my basement) on canvas. This woman is my new true love. She makes everything look SO easy.

And here's my first attempt pre-sanding/painting.

First attempt

I love the texture and cannot wait to get started on another. One thing I have to learn to do is stop acting like I HAVE to be just like online artists. It's all experimental; playing around to see how things come out. I need to trust my inner-play and just let go of rules.

Here is another piece I started with bleeding tissue paper on canvas. I ADORE the texture it gives and the colors POP! I got the dried 'things' from outside off my Black-Eyed Susan bush that lives like this thru the winter until it re-blooms. It's sitting aside until I can figure out what's next with it.

They stay put thanks to the almighty Mod Podge & Elmers Spray Glue.

The plan is to have a garden this year. I have abundant sunshine now (since 'the tree' incident) and plenty of space so why not? Our local library has a free seed give away to encourage folks to grow their own food - I am SO all in. I grew up with a garden and have always loved planting, nurturing, growing then eating food grown right outside the door.

I used to have a blog page several years ago called "If I Plant It, It Will Grow." I documented my tiny garden from beginning to end. It was lots of fun. I think I will do that again, but I'll keep it to just this page - trying to keep 2 blogs going was quite a bit to chew.

Other than that - everything is still everything. I have more to say, but my eyes are growing tired.

Until next time!!! 👅