I Am A Badass...

This.

This book right here.

Gives me life.

In reading, I felt like "Jen" was speaking directly to me. I have so many pages tagged that I go back to.

Just to read & re-read. For assurance.

That I am definitely a Badass.

And proud of it.

💋

Your "Word" for 2017

I'm proud of myself for completing thus far 29 photo prompts of December Reflections. The only 2 I missed were days 24 and 25 and I don't believe in going back in this case. I enjoy these because it makes my brain connect a picture to the prompts. It wasn't difficult since I shoot about a gazillion pictures making it easy to go back & connect one with the other.

I will not participate in the last day. I mean I will, but it won't be "MY" word. I've decided not to have a word for the upcoming year. There are already plenty of words out there; I don't need to put another pain in my ass for feeling like failure when I don't 'live up' to the word.' I have enough on my mind.

For instance, the word below was my 2016 word. Yes, I came out strong creating a bold, kick-ass banner that screamed as much. However, I realized in the last few hours of the old year that I haven't done one damn thing that equates 'brave.'

My "2016 unused word" (Photo by Me)

If you want to call walking out on a stressful new job after a 3 year dry period 'brave', then you can count that. I didn't feel brave at all. I felt like I was leaving before the door hit me in the ass, so to speak. It's less painful when you 'fire' yourself than to hear it coming from your boss. Lol!!

My ever-wise friend, Se'lah, gave me this bit of knowledge tonight:

"If something doesn't personally make a difference in your life, there is no need to embrace it." 

My Photo

What? I don't?? Her saying that was SO freeing!!! Why the hell couldn't I have figured that out myself? I need to surround myself more folks spitting wisdom. Now I need to dig into myself to see what other shit is holding me hostage and why I feel married to shit that doesn't make me feel good.

Peace, light and DUH!!!! 😡

Everyone Has A Story

An elder lady let me go ahead of her in the grocery line today. Since she was so kind & friendly, I inquired as to what she was going to prepare with quite a bit of pork. In the time it took for me to check out, I learned/loved of her:

• Friendly
• Kind
• 83 years old
• She still drives herself everywhere
• She wore makeup (brows, powder & lipstick)
• Her outfit was pulled together
• She loves cooking
• FROM SCRATCH
• She cooked daily for her husband and six (6) children; FROM SCRATCH
• TV dinners, if ever, were a "treat" or a "snack"
• Her adult children now cook for their families FROM SCRATCH
• She makes her own Chow-Mein
• She makes her own HANDMADE NOODLES for said Chow-Mein
• She's a pork lover; no chicken and/or beef
• She used be well-known for her pork chop dishes
• She uses bone-less pork chops & Kraut in the crock pot every year for New Year's (one of her son's favorites)
• Her mother died when she was 2 years old
• She grew up in foster homes, the longest being on a farm
• By the time she was 10 years old, she could prepare a full course meal - alone
• Folks aren't kind like they used to be
• She wished my mom a Happy Birthday!! :-)
• Her biggest fear is Alzheimer's/Dementia
• Her Aunt had Alzheimer's and it was/is a horrible condition
• She tries to stay sharp by doing what she loves
• She wished me a Happy New Year
• She hugged me

When I got to my car, hot tears streamed down my face. I felt super-blessed to have had that brief peek into her life, to have met her. But on the other hand, I felt truly bad for mom. My mother was NEVER a bubbly, conversation-starter, friendly person, but when I looked at this lady one year younger than mom, and still so full of life.....

Today, I was definitely in the right place at the exact right time. And I thank God for that.

Peace.

Beautiful, vibrant stranger (Google Image)

Reading

As the upcoming Holiday season presses down on me, I can't tear myself away from this book.

I picked it up to get some insight with what's going on with mom and I'm getting insight out the ass!

I'm probably only into the fourth chapter and have more than 10 sticky-tabbed pages that I can relate to.

It's almost like we (sibs & I) wrote the book, yet I'm reading it for the first time.

Over the weekend, the promise I previously made to myself to celebrate this Season like a child is quickly diminishing. I don't know if my sadness or bewilderment is because of the book or not. Recognizing so many changes in mom makes me torn. I'm sad @ what's happening to her, pissed at her sometimes CRUEL words and heartbroken watching her try to hang on to what used to be her normalcy.

Yet, with each page I turn to, there 'our situation' is, staring me right in my face.

I'm glad to have found a book written so true, raw and real. I love the way the author is so honest with her feelings.

While preparing Christmas cards, I left mom out. This is something I NEVER would have done, but she doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in..... well.... nothing. Nothing more than having someone drive her all over the city with no intentional destination. Mom was never one to stay at home. When she was still lucid and able to drive, she would take long rides, daily.

She said it got her out of the house. We called it running away from herself. She's never been one to love herself, nor her own company. Hopping behind the wheel was the way she didn't have to deal with her own demons, whatever they may be.

But now, her outings are at our command and limited to friends who take her bowling and our trips to grocery/doctor appts. She's adamant about having a newspaper daily only for us to discover she doesn't read them. I don't think she still does her Bible study either, even though if you ask her, her first quick answer will be YES! I read everything I get my hands on.

Not true. So I knew she would have no appreciation for my photo card I created. Just like she wasn't interested in the "I'm Thankful For You Because...." Thanksgiving card. 😑 She glanced at it, put it down & left it next to her plate at my sister's Thanksgiving dinner.

So...it's either all of that. Or either I need more stamps to finish off mailing my cards; there's no place for the Christmas tree; I'm basically broke or...........