Surfaced

Happy Days, all. It feels good to sit down here again. I've been having the panic attack issue again after two years, which takes the wind out of my sails. Dr. upped the meds a little & I'm making myself rest more. It feels funny, yet good to go to bed @ 10:00p.m. "D" is strictly on it with making me go to bed & asking me if I took my meds, like he would need to remind me. But I appreciate his concern.

I'm thinking over what probably brought on inner stresses that made me "re-flip" out. I've been running myself ragged. Between working, being Son's basketball taxi, being concerned about 2 ill friends, the office itself isn't stable, staying up late, getting up early, squeezing in too much into too little time & not giving myself any time = flip out.

The doctor asked had I had any recent trauma that would kick things off & I couldn't think of anything more than what I just said above. I think I'm letting Cassie's illness bother more than I let on. She is really the definition of 'live you life to the fullest.' It's not good of me to nearly 'mourn her' and grieve while she's living it up. (lol!) I think it's because she wrote @ her blog that she read some healing books and realized that she's "mourning herself." Mourning the life that she's afraid she won't get to live. But then she bounces back with a funny, crazy story & I feel relieved. Hell, she just got picked to be the game show, "Deal or No Deal!!!"

I need to follow her lead and LIVE, TRUST & LET GO. :-)

I am trying each day to make goals to be more kind to myself. I take on so much guilt. I don't know where that comes from. I was also given the name of a counselor that Doc wants me to see so I'm pretty anxious for that. I've always wanted to talk to someone like this, so I'll keep you posted. I also am contacting the mentor for Son so he can take over driving him to all his events. Track season is approaching & it makes me tired to think of another round of traveling. It's part of Son's "Waiver Rights" - the state pays for services like these so it's time to take part in it.

Otherwise, I am trying to find my "happy space" & carry on. I checked out three really good books from the library that I didn't get to finish. WHY on earth did I think I could focus long enough to read one book right now, let alone three. They were "Sandrine's Letter to Tomorrow" (really good - I was nearly done), "The Girl Who Fell From the Sky" (damn.. really wanted to get into that one), and "The Color of Rain", which was such an inspirational story. It's about 2 couples each experiencing cancer. The peace the ill characters made with their lives gave me comfort about Cass.

BUT... in all my hurry/scurry/stress, I only got to get so far before the library police almost came (Lol!) You can only renew so much, you know. I mean, are you gonna read the damn thing or what? So, I'll pay my big fine. I never mind paying fines @ the library; it's my contribution to keeping them open. Besides, how DARE I check out another book when next to my bed, I have: The Help, Wench, The Darkest Child & several others that I own that haven't been touched. Bad, bad, Tracey :-\

And lastly, I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful 2-weekold niece, Tuesday Imani. She's growing by leaps & bounds & has made it to 5 lbs, bless her heart. I hear she has quite the appetite. I cannot wait to meet her - possibly this summer? The Coastal Georgia Islands call for me & my camera, but I think Tuesday is calling as well. :-)

Blessings & peace, calm & stillness.

Pictures by: me ('cept 'the red tree" - that's courtesy of Pinterest, & Baby Tuesday; she's courtesy of her parents. Oh, and the Primroses are gifts from my boss :-))

Panic.

Inhale love.

Exhale fear.

Give myself plenty of self love & forgiveness. And know that God has me in the palm of his hand. Trust that.

"She"

There is one friend in the life of each of us who seems not a separate person, however dear and beloved, but an expansion, an interpretation, of one's self, the very meaning of one's soul. ~Edith Wharton

I have been trying to write here for several days, but kept not being able to stay motivated. For all of the thoughts running through my head, when I got here, I would draw blank.

Palms clasped in prayer for a dear friend who is preparing for a life-changing journey.

We are miles apart, yet standing right next to each other. We are holding hands, laughing and touching the water. She reads my thoughts before I even know what they are. I make her laugh, deep belly laughs. We share our secrets, our fears, our loves, our dreams. She has taught me how to live, laugh and love, and shown me the light when all I could see was dark.

She taught me how to open my heart and soul and look at myself with kindness. She taught me to step out into the open and share my words when I didn't think it was possible. She taught me that I truly am an artist, and while I still think that sounds crazy, I believe it's true.

She's shown me that reaching out to others' needs are really all that JAH asks of us, and that there is truly only One Love.

So, I take and hold of the hands of my beautiful friend, of whom my eyes has never seen in the physical, yet whose souls meet each day. And on the day that our eyes do meet, we will step right in beat with each other, because we've known each other all along.

She is love, and so very loved. :-)

Randoms

First off, I want to introduce to you Miss Tuesday Imani Wilson! She's my youngest brother, Alfonzo, and his beautiful wife, Karen's new baby girl born on THURSDAY, Feb. 2nd. Tuesday is totally loved, welcomed, blessed and has a HOARD of family just itching to get their hands on her! Unfortunately for us, they live in L.A., so hands on isn't possible right this second. But I'm thankfully basking in the glow of her arrival and thank God for the joy she's bringing to her parents. They've been waiting so long for her. Snuggle in & enjoy her, guys. She's beautiful.


I want to give the highest of shout-outs to my sweet friend, Cassie. Even with all the trials she's going through health wise, she's still going on with her life. She had her first day of training to be a sitting Judge. She wore fire engine red heels which were a huge hit. I'm so thankful that she has the strength and drive to get on with every day life in spite of how she feels. She's such a shining example for all of us on how to keep on truckin'. She puts me to shame!

Prayers of comfort the the family of "Yoli", a dear friend of Cassie's that I, too, prayed for constantly, especially in her final days of transitioning. You are free now, Yoli - free from all pain and tears. Rest in God's arms, sweet angel. Yoli had written a book of her trials during her illness with all proceeds to go to her 10-month old grandson, Puda. It's a beautiful book; once I can find the link, I will share.


Still basking in the glow of love I felt when spending time with Mom this past Tuesday. While she was putting the tabs on the books of my bible for me, I was like a little girl. Mom was patiently doing that while I was all over the kitchen, bouncing around, asking questions, just like when I was a little girl. That feeling never goes away, thank God.

Prayers to God to watch out over me job-wise. I'm not getting a good vibe about the security & stability of my employer, so I've been slowly putting the resume out. Been getting good feedback, but nothing to make me leave where I am right now. While the walls of Jericho might be trembling & shaking, I hold tight to my faith & trust that God will put me right where I need to be,when He knows it's time. Amen.

I'm super glad that we're having such a mild winter so far. Temps have been hanging in the 40's, so even if snow comes, it melts quickly, thank God. It snowed today - these pictures are from yesterday. Go figure.

In the meanwhile, it's taking a toll on my sinuses.

Can I really spend $300+ for a zoom lens? Contemplating...

Palms clasped in thanks for the compliments I get on my pictures. I am so grateful that people appreciate what I see and I love sharing.

My goal for 2012 is to take my eyeballs and camera about the country and see new places and things. I am so deserving! :-)

But in the meanwhile, I'll continue to just 'be' where I am now.

And appreciate each moment :-)

Pictures by: me & Baby Tuesday's parents