Friday, August 4, 2017

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book.

I'm talking about my mother.

For the past two years, I've tried to put down on "paper" what has been going on in me & the sibs lives since my mother has increasingly approached the stages of Alzheimers/Dementia, but nothing would come. Just a swirl of words that all wanted to be spoken at once. And drove me away from writing anything.

My mother started showing signs of 'strangeness' two years ago. It started with simple forgetting little things and escalated to full blown what the hell, if you will. Little things like she couldn't remember her way around town, even though she grew up here. At first, she would play things off as a joke, but as time went on, I knew something was up.

I've read that if one is already a 'candidate' for this disease, any type of trauma can bring it on ten fold.

I think this happened when my sister (who owns my mother's home) told her that due to my mother not living up to her end of the responsibilities they agreed upon, she wanted mom out of her home to put it up for sale. I TRULY believe that kicked mom in the sensitive part of the brain & the decline began.

And with reason: mom at that time was 82 years old, she just lost her cat and now her own daughter was asking her to vacate the home she's lived in for over 20 years with no replacement options in sight. It was quite a blow as it would be for anyone. I remember driving around town with mom looking for potential places she might want to live, not knowing any facts about her income or anything about her personal finances. It was a heartbreaking fiasco to say the least.

Mom was an extremely independent woman - ALWAYS!!! So I believe that she, too, realized something was different in herself, but she would never admit it. Even after the 'house situation' was 'straightened out' as much as it could be, she was never the same.

Her beloved driving became erratic to the point of us having to take her truck. She drove down the railroad tracks - with a train coming head on - and denied it (she thought it was a street); she began leaving in the night, swearing it broad daylight and ending up MILES away from her home with no answer to why or where she was trying to go. After the 3rd incident involving the County Sheriff, we couldn't let her continue to be behind the wheel. For her safety and for the safety of others.

To keep this post semi-brief, I'll bring you to present day. Me & the sibs feel like we're at a hand-tied stale mate. Mom won't let us do ANYTHING around her home other than my brother keeping the lawn cut, but everything else has gone straight to hell. Her home is dirty, her hygiene is deplorable (I've NEVER seen her anything other than pristine), her clothes are dirty (she can't remember how to do laundry, yet will fight my sisters and I to the death if we try to do it), she barely eats because she can't remember how to cook (and be DAMNED if we can cook for her), and everything is just a mess.

I can't put my finger on how I feel exactly besides extreme sadness at the 'loss' of my best friend, and also anger at her extreme stubbornness. Yet she's child like, yet not a child. With no filter to 'tame' her brain and thoughts, she's exposed secrets to us that we never dreamed of about our lives. This has put us all in such an awkward place of hurt and disbelief. We still take her to the grocery, for rides, doctor appts., but we don't hang around like we used to. No one wants to sit in her dirty, cat-hair covered home, she has no conversation to remember to speak of, so........

And this has affected the way we are individually. Since her place was always the gathering place, where do we gather now? And all of our conversations when we do get together are dominated about 'mom'.

Every day is new .... something. She alerted us all and told us her purse was stolen when it was actually right there in her house. When she discovered where she put it, she told us the police returned it to her.

It's the beginning of a very long, painful good bye. And it pierces my heart. To death.

I love you, mom, forever. Picture by me :-(




Thursday, July 6, 2017

Catching Up, Part I


Let's see if I can recall what's been going on in life.

In the previous post, I already talked about the new job (I Think I Work There), so let's check that off the list.

I've been getting rather irritated with all forms of social media, including the news on TV and right now, just about anything electronic except my iPod. The 'Pod' is my quiet friend that holds my music (everything from Journey to Joe Sample to Adele to The Crusaders to Heart to Maxwell, etc.) and my Podcasts. It's soothing, like a book.

While the computer is so very necessary, it's all too much some days. FaceBook is the same ole thing; Twitter is too much, too fast coming at me (minute by minute thoughts), I post my pix on F.Book, so why do I need Instagram?? (I refuse), I still don't know what Snapchat is (and don't want to), and I DON'T own a Smartphone. "BREAKING NEWS" alerts & on the TV every time someone farts; if you let it, it can burn you out and make you kinda sad. Well me, anyway.



I've clearly subscribed to too much into my e-mail so I end up deleting mounds of things that become overwhelming. Even at times, the art tutorials I watch on YouTube end up making my armpits itch because 1) there are so damn many of them, and 2) since I have the attn. span of a gnat, if my 'creations' don't resemble what the artist is doing - I'm done. Grrrrr....

I'm still crazy in love with my Cannon, Sony & Nikon cameras, but without 'fresh things' to see, I'm getting tired of my own photography. It's gotten to the point that when I post, folks say - 'hey - were you at the 'so-n-so' right there? (Sigh...... so much for mystery). I need to saddle the cammies up and leave town! New things; new sights.

This is what I'm having in mind to soothe my savage beast. Mmmm..... travel. Inexpensive travel.

Yes, my shots are lovely, but how many frickin' ways can you look at a flower?

Zinnia: by me
See what I mean?

{Laughing}

I've also been reading. Let's catch up on that tomorrow. I promise I'll return. God willin' and the creek don't rise.

Hmm... I think I Might Work There....


Yeah... the 7th month. Summertime here in the midwest. And I finally found a job.

The job thing happened in a strange way. I went into a grocery store chain to check on flowers and came out with a job. Turns out, the chain is/was building a bigger, 'better' grocery and was hiring for employees to man the deli (aka the Cold Cut Counter). I was in my dirty tennis shoes, holey jeans & tank top (my typical daily summer wear), and was interviewed on the spot.

Two days later, they offered me the position. But God..... 😲

I wasn't sure it was real and didn't accept that they truly 'hired' me, even after they gave me a name tag & I started orientation. Lol. That feeling carried on even as I trained for 2 weeks and waited on customers.

So now... the new store is opening on July 12th and I'm on the schedule.

I think I work there. πŸ‘€πŸ‘€

While ever place has it's round of "way too many chiefs and not enuff indians", what I like about this type of work is THE PEOPLE; THE CUSTOMERS; THE ART OF SERVING, and WORKING AS A TEAM. The art of the "Greet, Stay, Have A Nice Day" way of things. I don't know about others, but I can't have too much of a bad day when I'm smiling, telling OTHERS to have a good day when I can't seem to have one my DAMN self!!

This serves my soul better than sitting in an office where you day is dictated by the dick-head in charge's mood. Where no matter what you do, how you do it or how much of your all you give it - it's just never enuff. I won't say what I won't ever do again (because who knows?), but my pref. is being out in the open. Where I can shine.

So as I pull on my required khaki's, my red issued shirt, my name tag & slice fine meats and cheeses to the public's liking, I feel a little spark inside. Because I work there.

I think..... πŸ™Œ

July 4th; by me

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Catch Up

Self  Reflection

Actually, there isn't a whole lot to catch up on.

Spring is here and everything is in bloom; folks putting out flowers. Since my flower budget is 'nil', I did seeds again. They're actually popping up after only 2 weeks, so that makes me happy.

I decided flower/veggie seeds truly teach you patience. They grow on their own time and there's not a damn thing you can do about.

Still nothing' happening on the employment. I go thru phases of wondering if I'm not trying hard enough, to "eff it." I can only continue the search & be patient. Like flower seeds.....🌺🌻🌼

Aside from doing art, I've been reading everything in sight. Here are a few I can remember right now:

This one was a HUGE message about compassion/care/love of the homeless. I loved it.

Always loved reading about life in the Appalachians. Good statistics and how a young guy persevered. Good read.

Mothers, daughters, and dysfunction. Quick, easy read.

Lastly, having always been fascinated by slavery, this was the best I've read in a long time. Brutal and right in your face. I never fail to learn something new each time I approach this subject.

Otherwise, I'm just trying to be in a good place, mentally; physically & spiritually. Creating art & shooting pix brings me back to my happy place.

It takes focus off of self.

And provides patience.

Just like flower seeds.

"Combo Platter": Molding paste, stencils, acryllic paints, little extras 





Thursday, March 23, 2017

It's March 23rd Already???

(Blowing in the mic - "IS THIS THING ON??")

*crickets chirping* πŸ‘€

Well, apparently I've laxed the entire month of February and a good chunk of March. I can't tell you how many times I've come here, sat in front of a blank page, then left. Seems like it's so difficult to put my thoughts into words.

I've come to the conclusion that time truly flies when it revolves around bills and pay days. How unfair is that?

Unemployed - still, but not sweating it.

My sister and I have been getting into different art mediums. She's doing free hand painting on canvas; I turned her onto You Tube videos and there she went. Now - like me - when she can't sleep, she goes to her craft room and creates in the night. She changed her master bedroom into her work room so the amount of space she has is cray-cray. I hate her.......😝

I've been trying molding paste (aka Joint Compound I found in my basement) on canvas. This woman is my new true love. She makes everything look SO easy.

And here's my first attempt pre-sanding/painting.

First attempt
I love the texture and cannot wait to get started on another. One thing I have to learn to do is stop acting like I HAVE to be just like online artists. It's all experimental; playing around to see how things come out. I need to trust my inner-play and just let go of rules.

Here is another piece I started with bleeding tissue paper on canvas. I ADORE the texture it gives and the colors POP! I got the dried 'things' from outside off my Black-Eyed Susan bush that lives like this thru the winter until it re-blooms. It's sitting aside until I can figure out what's next with it.


They stay put thanks to the almighty Mod Podge & Elmers Spray Glue.

The plan is to have a garden this year. I have abundant sunshine now (since 'the tree' incident) and plenty of space so why not? Our local library has a free seed give away to encourage folks to grow their own food - I am SO all in. I grew up with a garden and have always loved planting, nurturing, growing then eating food grown right outside the door.

I used to have a blog page several years ago called "If I Plant It, It Will Grow." I documented my tiny garden from beginning to end. It was lots of fun. I think I will do that again, but I'll keep it to just this page - trying to keep 2 blogs going was quite a bit to chew.

Other than that - everything is still everything. I have more to say, but my eyes are growing tired.

Until next time!!! πŸ‘…


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Checking In

Come to my Window ~ Melissa Ethridge
(Photo by me)
I'm still being faithful to the 31 days of yoga with Adrienne. I find that when I feel out of sorts, etc., dropping down to the mat really does wonders. I look forward to it; the breathing & stretching into Asanas. Yoga is so not an easy thing. Using your body against your body is better than any weight at any gym. Also, the Yoga Journal Magazine has taken on a whole new meaning. Besides reading about it, I'm BEING about it.

As part of Grandbaby's Cakes Soul Food Movement, (I love her), I'm working on a vision board/ boards. I've been a collage maker for a long time, but never one with any 'direction'. I'm working on one for travel, dreams, and positivity. Manifesting my dreams, speaking them into existence. It took me about a week to figure out what my dreams are.

Picked up a few books at the library:

Pat Conroy's Lowcountry stories always capture me. I've dreamed forever of going there (vision board)

A friend recommended this to me years ago; just now getting around to it.

I'm a nature lover as well!!!

Who doesn't love a good 'rags to riches' story? Especially for a young African American girl.

And finally, who doesn't love a good, sad memoir?

Otherwise, I'm hanging in there. I have an offer to return to First Christian's Day Program for work, but I'm SO not feeling it. My brother says go where my spirit calls. My spirit obviously isn't calling me to it.

Namaste

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Getting to know 'Mat"

After reading way too much about it & not doing anything about it, I finally decided to get to know "Mat."

She's nice. Comfortable. Long & squishy.

While she's beautiful to look at, she supports my efforts and encourages me to keep going.

I love being with her in the morning and evening.

Moving into beginner positions, trying to not breathe like a wild dog in heat. 😬

I want this to become of my daily routine. Pushing muscles that I haven't used in years.

I'm much more motivated to do this at home as opposed to signing up for a class. Plus, I can't afford a class right.

And, I really like Adrienne as an instructor. She's pretty cool.

My Photo

My Photo

Namaste.

Monday, January 9, 2017

In the Fog of things

My Photo

I'm in a really weird 'holding' pattern. That time after the Holidays, the beginning of the New Year. And I don't know what the hell to do with myself.

I am not comfortable.

Nor motivated.

It is what it is.

She's Come Undone....

No.... I'm not talking about Wally Lamb's book . I'm talking about my mother. For the past two years, I've tried to put ...